Spin
by wolfielover
Summary: AU Sakura thinks she hates Syaoran, what happens when your mind starts to spin out of control and you're not sure of what you're feeling? And what's the deal with Syaoran? He's supposed to like Kaho... right?
1. 1

Ok this is my first attempt of a fanfic so i hope you like it, it's completely AU so make sure to read the stuff you should know before going any further please

Spin

**Summary: **Extremely AU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

**Disclaimer:** Ok this belongs to it's respective authors, i'm just adjustingit to my favorite anime, i hope i did it right ok???

**Author's Note: Stuff you should know:**

People with magic: Syaoran, Meiling and Eriol

People without magic: Sakura, Kaho, Touya, Tomoyo, Yukito

They are almost the same age

Touya is not Sakura's brother

The cards are Syaoran's

Kaho and Rika are not Sakura's friends

Sakura lives above a restaurant called Magic Blast

Syaoran doesn't like Sakura… yet ;)

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--  
Where is My Mind  
With your feet in the air  
and your head on the ground  
try this trick and spin it  
your head will collapse  
but there's nothing in it  
so you'll ask yourself  
where is my mind  
-The Pixies

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Spin.

Lots of things spin. Wheels spin on a car. Lives spin out of control.

Right now, what happens to be spinning is a bottle.

A group of my peers sit on the floor in front of me, in a circle. Some of them are smoking cigarettes, some of them are smoking weed. All of them are looking at the bottle in anticipation.

I'm not.

I already know what's going to happen. Eriol spun the bottle so there is not doubt it's going to land on Tomoyo. They'll kiss. Meiling will go next, it will land on Yukito. They'll kiss and so on and so forth.

They control the bottle with their magic powers. I know this. Tomoyo and Yukito don't believe me. They don't believe me because it doesn't really matter to them. They could care less, as long as they get to kiss the people they're not willing to admit they're in love with.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Every single kid in this town has at some point been accused of being a magician. So it doesn't really surprise Yukito and Tomoyo that I should accuse Syaoran, Eriol and Meiling.

It's Meiling's turn now. It landed on Yukito.

What a surprise.

Syaoran is acting weird tonight. I don't even know why he's playing. Kaho isn't here.

He never plays when Kaho isn't here.

The bottle spins. It's brown, and empty, and clanking annoyingly on the linoleum floor. The group holds their breath. Who is Syaoran going to kiss tonight? They want to know.

And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I could care less, or if I need to know to survive.

Obsession is weird like that.

One thing is for sure, It's not going to be me. I'm not playing. I never play. Maybe it's going to be Rika.

The group lets out their breath as the bottle comes to a halt between Yukito and Eriol.

Strange. Why would Syaoran want to kiss Yukito or Eriol?

They look down at the bottle, then their eyes follow the invisible line where the bottle is pointing, between them, on the couch behind them.

Guess who is sitting on the couch behind them?

I am.

"I'm not playing." I defend myself as everyone looks at me suggestively.

Then Syaoran looks at me. He looks straight at me. The way that makes your insides quiver and shudder and die.

Syaoran only makes eye contact with people when it's convenient for him. He's never looked me in the eye before. I think I'm getting sick, I think I'm panicking. He's not supposed to like me. This is not how things are supposed to go.

Need I make myself more clear? I look at him right back. "I'm not playing." I say it a little more forcefully this time. I mean it in the most literal way possible.

He shakes his head slightly, "Neither am I."

There are a few things that fly through my mind.

1.) What the hell is Syaoran talking about.

2.) I'm too old for this.

3.) How the hell did I get here?

umm......

I think I'm going to need to start a little earlier.

But where? The obvious choice would be the infamous 'beginning'.

I don't even know where that is. Maybe it's the day I was partnered up in Science with Syaoran. Maybe it's the day Syaoran ran over Kaho with his car. Maybe it's the day a green light caused a blackout. Maybe it's the day I was born, the day he was born, the day the universe was created.

How about I just pick a spot and go with it?

How about the day my mind started spinning out of control.

We need to stop and rewind. Watch the reels of the movie spin backwards....

Stop.

Rewind.

Play....

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

In a couple weeks a bottle will be pointing at me. Only, I don't know that yet.

I'm working right now. So is Kaho, Rika, and Tomoyo. It's dark outside. Friday night so only the regulars are here.

The regulars are the people that have nothing better to do on a Friday night than keep the working class from going home. Specifically, the regulars are the old woman who sits in the corner (whom we so graciously refer to as 'the woman who sits in the corner'), and Syaoran and his posse (which consists of Eriol and Meiling).

Of course, Syaoran is here because he knows that Kaho is working.

Me and Tomoyo don't mind working Friday nights. We like it quiet. However, Kaho and Rika hate working Fridays, they have better things to do. They actually could leave if they wanted to, we don't need them, but they're trying to save up enough money to get an apartment together.

This is how it goes: Rika is Tomoyo's older sister. One year older, to be exact. Kaho is Rika's best friend. They should be in a grade above us, they should have graduated last year, but they failed. And now we're all seniors together.

What fun.

They failed because they don't want to leave Tomoeda.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why.

Me and Tomoyo and Yukito, we can't wait to get the hell out of this place. I'll explain later. Now, I must pretend to work.

Me, Kaho, and Rika lean our backs against the counter, watching the boring scene play out before us. Every once in a while I wipe the little droplets of sweat off my forehead and take a swig from my glass of Cream soda. Rika makes loud, bored groans every once in a while and Kaho bobs her head side to side to a song playing in her mind.

Syaoran, Eriol, and Meiling mostly sit in silence. Every once in a while Eriol attempts to leave and you can hear their silent arguments if you listen hard enough. Syaoran doesn't want to leave until Kaho's shift is over.

The guy amazes me. He's really good at this secret obsession thing. He does a great job making everyone think he's not really obsessed with Kaho. You can tell though if you sit around and watch him every night like me and Rika and Tomoyo.

I sort of feel sorry for him. And I'm not even gonna try to understand what exactly he sees in her. Oh well, I don't really care a whole lot anyway.

I can hear Tomoyo as she stacks tubs of ketchup in the back room.

Rika chuckles to herself and we all direct our attention to her. On a boring night like this, your willing to hear anything that anybody has to laugh about. She nudges Kaho on the arm, "Syaoran Li is staring at you again."

Kaho and I groan. We were expecting something funny, or at least something new. She replies in the non-chalont way that she usually does, like nothing is important enough. "Remind me again why I should care?"

Tomoyo walks into the front, having heard most of our conversation, "Who is staring at who?" She joins us in our positions against the counter. I have to admit, we look sort of intimidating when we sit like this, in a perfect line. This is how we drive out customers.

I hand my Soda to Tomoyo, "I'll give you two guesses."

"Oh." She already knows. She throws back the Soda and downs the rest.

Rika leans forward. You can tell when Rika is thinking evil thoughts. You can practically see her eyebrows form into a sinister V shape. "I don't know," she says, "I'd fuck 'im." Rika can be really crude like that.

I smile. I smile because I know exactly what Tomoyo is going to say next.

Tomoyo smiles back at me, " That's a surprise," she says.

Kaho raises her eyebrows and glances at Rika, "Well...why don't you then?"

Rika opens her mouth to respond but is interrupted by Kaho shoving the order pad in her hands, "Go take their order." She scuffles into the back and you can practically feel Syaoran's eyes following her.

Rika shakes her head and thrusts the order pad at me, "Kinomoto, be a doll and take their order, will you?" She follows Kaho.

Tomoyo shakes her head at me sadly, "Do you think I could get a sister divorce?"

I shrug. "I'll be back." I get to go take their order now.

Yay. me.

My voice is monotonous as I go through the usual spiel without a pause. I want them to know exactly how much I don't want to be here. "Welcome to the Magic Blast cafe my name is Sakura I will be your friendly waitress our soup of the day is clam chowder can I get you something to drink or are you ready to order."

Syaoran doesn't even attempt to look at me, "This isn't your section." How rude is that?

Whatever. "Welcome to the Magic Blast cafe," I repeat, "my name is SAKURA I will be your friendly..."

His face hardens even more, if that's possible. "Where is Kaho... this is Kaho's section." He says this like he's talking to the menu in front of him. Eriol leans over and softly bangs his head repeatedly against the counter.

I'm angry now. I'm really angry now. "Kaho is probably doing lines in the bathroom, now do you want something or not?"

He clenches his jaw. He still doesn't look at me of course. He looks at the ground. "No." He leaves. Eriol and Meiling follow.

Rika peers around the corner of the back room, "Well halla-fucking-luia, now we can go home." She says this too loud.

The lady that sits in the corner starts barking like a dog. Did i mention she's insane? Well she is.

Something is bugging me. Something about Syaoran is bugging me, I need to go upstairs.

My mind is beginning to spin.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--  
Everyone goes home after the police drag the barking lady out the door.

It's Friday, so were used to it.

I pass by the empty booths on my way to the stairs. One of them is not so empty.

A jacket.

Syaoran left his jacket here.

So what do I do now? Do I put it in the back?

I don't really want to touch it. I don't know why.

I could just leave it there, say I never saw it.

Yea.

I make my way up the stairs and into my room. Privacy at last. Time to get lost in my thoughts.

If Tomoeda were to take on a human form, grow arms and legs and start walking around, the first thing it would do is blow it's own head off.

Yes, it's that sad.

Do you want to know the ingredients for a ticking time bomb?

Take a shitty town, add a magician conspiracy, throw in a little gossip and fear. There you have it, now go blow something up.

It wasn't always this way.

It all started with a couple of kids screwing around in Penguin Park. Exactly who saw the green light is a detail people still argue about in the halls at school.

Regardless, somebody saw it. That somebody showed it to someone else, and so on. The number of people that knew about this grew at an exponential rate. Pretty soon everyone wants to know, what three people among us are magicians?

Funny thing is, lots of people in our school hang out in threes. Me and Tomoyo and Yukito, Syaoran and Eriol and Meiling, Kaho and Rika and Naoko, Touya and Yamazaki and Ian. The list goes on.

That's when everyone started to hate each other.

It was seventh grade I believe.

We never told any adults.

The hate has grown since then, it's just grown a little quieter. It lives in the silence, in the quiet. You can feel it, everyday. When your talking to someone, you can hear it lingering between the words.

That's why the people here try to be as loud as they can. To fill up the silence. They snort speed and drop acid so the silence is easier to take.

I don't know if this magician ordeal is the only thing wrong with Tomoeda. People don't really care who the magicians are anymore. Because this whole thing has taught us one thing: It doesn't matter. We're all the magicians. Each one of us is as alienated as the next.

Technically though?....I have my theories.

I think it's Syaoran and Eriol and Meiling. Correction, I'm pretty sure I know it's them. I don't have proof. I wouldn't do anything if I had proof anyway. Tomoeda doesn't need to know.

I need to get out of this town, but it's like a snake pit sometimes. People say it's cursed, whoever leaves will probably just come back in a year or so and take on some underpaying job.

Not me.

I'll get out.

I look at the clock. I've been laying here for hours now.

I hear something outside. A voice. I walk to my window and open it.

The voice is singing. It echoes eerily off the brick walls of the alley. "Little cherrrrrrrrrrrrrry bloooooooooooossom."

Little cherry blossom. Kaho used to call me that, a long time ago.

I climb out my window and hear the voice hiccup and begin again, "I know your up there little cherry blossom."

I peer over the edge. Kaho stumbles around in the stream of light below, flailing around a bottle. She must be drunk.

" There you are."

"Kaho?" Her hair is messed up. She must be really drunk because you never see her hair messed up. "What are you doing here?"

"I just came..." She backs up onto the street so that she can see me a little better, "came to ask you a favor."

I'm starting to worry. Kaho never lets down her guard. I've known her for a long time. Don't get me wrong. We're not friends, we just know each other.

"See little cherry blossom, I'm gonna kill somebody… And I'm gonna need your help."

Ok. Maybe she's a little drunker than I thought.

"Kaho, maybe you should come up here."

"Don't worry little cherry blossom, I've got it all figured out."

She reaches behind her back and pulls out exactly what I expect her to, a gun.

I think she's starting to cry.

I think she's serious.

She clenches her eyes shut tightly, "If you don't help me, I can always get little Syaoran Li to help me, he'll do anything for me, won't he? Anyone will do anything for me."

I see a light in the distance down the street. A car. "Kaho, get up here."

She's just drunk.

That's all.

She shakes her head and stumbles back more into the street. "Nobody wants to help me little cherry blossom."

I wish she would stop calling me that.

The car is getting closer. It's going too fast.

"Kaho, get out of the fucking street."

She drops the bottle on the ground and waves at me, "Goodbye."

No. No no no.

The car will see her.

It's not slowing down.

Shit.

Ok.

I don't wanna see someone die.

I can't look at her. I can't watch someone die.

I'll watch the wheel, just focus on the wheel. The wheel spins faster. Around and around.

Clunk

It stops.

I hear someone screaming, "What the fuck was that?"

I hear doors slamming, I hear someone have a breakdown. I hear... crying... then silence.

I peer over the ledge, I can't look at the body. No looking at the body.

It's Syaoran. He probably came to get his jacket. Meiling and Eriol are with him. They are all panicking. He's leaning over Kaho.

No.

No looking at the body.

They knocked her up onto the sidewalk.

There's blood on the street.

I can't do this.

I hear Meiling's panicky whisper, "Is it working?"

No one responds.

Syaoran stands up.

"It's done," Eriol says. "You got her, lets go."

Syaoran shakes his head. This is the most emotion I've ever seen him show. "We can't just leave her here."

"The hell we can't." Eriol grabs Syaoran's arm and shoves him into the car.

They leave.

I wait.

She's going to wake up. Because they're magicians.

Please wake up.

I'll be here for her when she wakes up.

Ten minutes go by.

Please wake up.

I didn't sign up for this.

Twenty minutes go by.

Please.

She's moving.

Oh fuck, she's moving.

She's crying.

She's standing up and crawling up the ladder.

"Sakura?"

I can't look at her, she still looks dead. She's covered in blood.

"What happened to me?"

I shake my head, "I don't know."

Her hair. There's blood in her hair. I wonder if it will come out.

She sits on my lawn chair. She sits for a long time.

She stands up, "You can't tell anyone... you can't tell anyone what happened tonight."

"I won't."

She's talking about the gun.

"I was drunk."

"I know."

It's ok now. Everything is ok. She's alive, she's a bloody fucking mess, but alive.

And the spinning? It's getting faster.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--  
I would like to know who Kaho wants to kill.

Kaho wants to know why she's covered in blood.

I don't blame her.

I have to tell her something. I examine her face carefully, there are still cuts and scrapes. He didn't heal her all the way, that could account for the blood perhaps.

The boy is a thinker.

"You got hit by a car." I wipe some of the blood off her arms with a warm washcloth.

"Did you see who it was?"

I shake my head. "They just drove off, it was dark."

I help her wash her hair. We have to wash it twice to get all the red stains out. Seeing Kaho all bloody like this, you just know your seeing something your not supposed to. Kaho is usually the picture of perfection, not a hair out of place. I feel like I'm violating her.

Anyway...

So Syaoran Li is a magician.

Notice my complete lack of surprise.

Told you.

I'm not telling Kaho. Like I said, Tomoeda doesn't need to know. I could care less what happens to this place when I leave, but not while I'm here.

Not while I'm here.

I take a shirt out of my dresser for Kaho to wear and she takes off her own. I notice a couple things.

1.) Her ridiculously elaborate purple bra. I swear the girl has 50 bras, one to match each of her outfits. I have about five, all white, I bought them in bulk at Target, I bet that would make Syaoran Li cringe.

2.) A little green shining thing. Maybe that's how they mark their territory. Instead of pissing they leave telltale green shining things.

She rubs at her stomach. "...the fuck is this?"

We need to cover all of our bases here. I'm trying to hide two things at once. I don't want people to know who the magicians are and I don't want Kaho to get in trouble for not killing anyone. "Where is the gun?"

She clutches at her back in panic. "Shit."

We find it in the shadows. It had been knocked halfway up the alley. I ask her where she got it and she tells me she stole it from Touya's dad.

Wonderful.

While we're down there we put some water over the bloodstains on the street.

And finally, we put all her bloody clothes in a plastic bag. She holds up the bag to me, "So what do we do with this?"

I nod. "I think we should burn them."

I don't really know where that came from. I want to know exactly when I became a character off of 'Goodfellas'.

She understands though. Blood means panic, and if people know she's been hit by a car there going to want to know what she was doing outside of the Magic Blast. Flailing a gun around and threatening peoples lives?.. Probably not acceptable.

There is one freeway that goes through Tomoeda. We drive to where the freeway overpasses a desolate road. We bring a can of gasoline and a book of matches, and we sit by the brightly burning fire as the flames lick the sky.

She says thanks to me when I drop her off at home.

I think me and Kaho just bonded.

I just hope she doesn't go off and kill anyone.

In about an hour, my mom will come into my room and wake me up, but before that there is something I want to do. I go through the front door of the Magic Blast and look at the jacket just sitting there in the booth.

I wonder what magician's jackets smell like. I'm still not going to touch it. That would be even more of a violation than seeing Kaho all bloody. How can I touch the jacket of someone that doesn't even attempt to know my name.

I wonder what Syaoran thinks about when he thinks about Kaho. I wonder if behind that stoic demeanor is just a flurry of dirty thoughts.

I've only been alone with Kaho a few times. When your alone with her, she's not really that bad. But Syaoran doesn't know this. Maybe he's just a horny teenager, maybe he just wants her body like everyone else in school.

I set my knee on the booth and lean over. It's a black jacket, polyester. I'm glad it's not leather. Tomoyo told me how they make leather and now leather makes me want to hurl. I sniff at it. It smells good.

It smells like a boy.

It's official, Syaoran Li smells like a boy. I'm glad I wasted my time on this.

I'm going to bed now. I can still sleep for about forty five minutes.

You might want to fast forward to Monday, nothing happens over the weekend.

Stop.

FF.

Play...

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Me and Kaho meet in front of school like we agreed upon. We just want to check in with each other, make sure nobody found anything out. She tells me the green thing is gone.

When were done talking, Kaho looks towards the school door expectantly, "Shall we?"

"You go ahead."

I don't want to walk into school with Kaho. If I walk into school with Kaho then people will start talking to me and pretending like they care about what I have to say.

I'm not up for that.

Kaho nods in understanding. She probably doesn't want to have to explain to people why she walked into school with her coworker.

Fine with me.

After she's gone I walk through the double doors and lean against my locker, waiting for Tomoyo.

Syaoran Li walks by, he deserves a fucking Oscar the way he's playing off like nothing happened.

Jesus Christ, I need to go to the bathroom.

I'm in the stall and I hear some girls come in and start to chat. I'll bet their freshmen 'cause they have these high pitched voices you don't grow out of until the middle of junior year.

"Oh my god," One of the girls says, "Did you see Syaoran Li today?"

Oh lord, here it comes.

"Oh my god he is like, soooooo hot, did you see that shirt he's wearing?"

For the love of god, somebody please put me out of my misery.

I open the stall and the girls jaws drop to the floor. All they know is that I'm a senior, and therefore, there is a possibility that I know Syaoran Li.

One of the girls is smoking, and her cigarette falls to the ground, "We didn't know you were..."

"I hear he's gay." I say.

"What?? no way."

I fake smile. "Totally."

Why am I doing this? Cause it's fun. You see, Syaoran Li, he's not a normal looking high school boy. He looks like he just stepped out of a Calvin Klein advertisement. With his huge arms and perfect stomach. And it makes me sick that a whole class of girls would spread their legs in a heartbeat if they thought they had a chance. I can't really blame them though, I was probably like that too. But really now, it's time to get over it. Time to grow up.

And me? Well, Syaoran is just not my type. I don't want a model, I want a real guy. Maybe someone good looking, like Yukito without the built in brotherly instinct.

Oh.... and one more thing. If I ever fall in love, it's not going to be in this town. I'm willing to bet money on that.

Anyway, this isn't about me.

At lunch time I meet Yukito and Tomoyo in the gym. We stay in the gym at lunch because it's hot outside and the gym is air conditioned. I use Yukito's lap as a pillow.

The crumbs from his bag of chips are getting in my hair.

"Johnny Soccer Hero," Yukito says, "Ten 'o clock."

Oh yay. Johnny Soccer Hero.

Johnny Soccer Hero (AKA Touya) is what happens when you put 2 parts jock, 1 part malicious glares in a blender and serve it over ice. Johnny Soccer Hero got a little freaked out after the green light was seen and became a lovely member of the world of persons that really can glare at you. Johnny Soccer Hero is not my friend, he is my acquaintance. Johnny Soccer Hero is Kaho's boyfriend.

And Johnny Soccer Hero is headed this way.

"Sakura, can I talk to you for a second?"

Sure you can, Johnny Soccer Hero.

He pulls me to the corner of the room, "I think Kaho should stay with you."

"What are you talking about?"

"She's been acting weird lately, I think she's having problems at home."

Gee, you think?

"So... she can stay with Rika."

Touya frowns, "I hate Rika."

"Why are you asking me?"

"I don't know who else to ask!"

We turn our heads as the door of the gym opens and Syaoran and his posse walk in. You can practically feel Touya shudder. He just hates that another man is obsessed with Queen Kaho. He's insanely jealous.

For absolutely no reason. They both adore each other so much it's enough to make a girl lose her lunch.

I would like to get out of here now.

"You like him, don't you." Touya says.

EXCUSE ME?

"Ok, That would be a big fat no."

"You guys should go out."

"You should mind your own fucking business." And I used to be such a nice girl.

"Jesus," Touya shakes his head, "Why are you like that?"

"I'm leaving now."

"You have problems."

HAH. Understatement of the year, Johnny Soccer Hero. Have you looked at your girlfriend lately?

I nod my head, "I have problems, that's really insightful, are we done?"

"Yea," he sighs and looks around the gym, "Were done."

I don't know what had gotten into me today, I'm not usually queen bitch. Maybe it's because I just covered up an attempted murder and an magician conspiracy.

Really puts things into perspective.

Did I mention how tired I am?

Fast forward time.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Science, last period. And wouldn't you know, absolutely everyone is in this class. Everyone: Me, Tomoyo, Yukito, Syaoran, Eriol, Meiling, Kaho, Rika, Johnny Soccer Hero.

Terada Sensei blabs in the front of class about assigning lab partners.

"Tomoyo Daidouji and Meiling Li."

Ohh boy... poor Tomoyo.

"Yukito Tsukisiro and Eriol Hiragizawa."

Yea Terada Sensei, that's gonna turn out good.

"Rika Sasaki and Touya Yoshiyuki."

Oh lord. I bet she's gonna put Syaoran and Kaho together. I don't know if that's amusing or really bad.

"Kaho Mizuki and Ayanami Rei."

Who the fuck is Ayanami Rei?

I look around the room and try to send Terada Sensei brain waves. There is not a lot of students left. Naoko Yanagisawa will have to do.

Put me with Naoko Terada Sensei. You know you want to put me with Naoko.

"Syaoran Li and Sakura Kinomoto."

huh?

lkdjfalksdj

Wait just a damn second.

The class lets out a collective groan and moves to their new places. I don't move.

Syaoran reluctantly picks up his bags and sits next to me.

I'm not happy about this either, Syaoran Li.

"Your Kaho's friend."

I groan. Yea, I'm Kaho's friend. That's how I define myself, that's how I introduce myself. I go around saying, HI, I'm Sakura, I'm Kaho's friend.

I wonder if he has some sort of Kaho radar. If that's how he sees people. He probably differentiates people as "Kaho" and "Not Kaho."

"Your Meiling's brother." Take that.

I stare at the books in front of me.

"Syaoran." He says.

"Sakura" I say.

He nods nonchalantly at Kaho, "What happened to her?"

HA.

HAHA.

I keep my face perfectly still. "She was in the stock room and a box full of glasses fell on her."

He furrows his brow, "She told you that?"

Way to let your guard down, Syaoran.

"She didn't need to tell me, I saw it with my own eyes."

Don't ask me why I'm saying this. Either I majorly want to fuck with his head, or I want to let him know his secret is safe.

"Ok," he says, like he doesn't believe a word I'm saying, "So is she ok?"

"Why don't you ask her?"

And that is the end of our lovely conversation. As Terada Sensei babbles on I find myself wondering about Syaoran and Kaho more and more. I think I actually like to see Syaoran cringe whenever Johnny Soccer Hero and Kaho hold hands and pass notes. It's sort of... disgusting and amusing at the same time. I wonder if he thinks about her like... all the time. I wonder if he's thinking about sex right now.

God, when did I become such a sick person.

One thing is for sure, this is going to be an interesting assignment.

Ok this was the first chapter, If you liked it or if you didn't then send me a review with your comment please, I'll post the next chapter tomorrow night ok??? Thanx for stopping by!!!!


	2. 2

Ok here's the second chapter i hope you like it, and Thanx to watercircle for her review and thanx for your observations, i tried to pay more attention in the errors this time, thanx for all the things you said and i hope you like this chapter

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

You want to know what gets me the most?

Maybe if I grew up in a different time, in a different place, I would have turned out differently.

If I was just born a few months later, my parents would have had time to move. But no, they couldn't move, it would be too much stress on the baby. "We'll just move later," they lied to themselves. "Maybe after the baby is born."

You guessed it.

They never did.

It turns out babies can be really expensive. So what better than to open a themed restaurant in the magician capital of the world?

"What about California?" Tomoyo wants to know.

"Too many palm trees." Says Yukito.

Tomoyo and Yukito. The two redeeming qualities of Tomoeda. If I had been born a few months later, I never would have known them.

We're picking out colleges. Most people pick out colleges by what they want to major in.

Not us.

First we have to decide on a state, on a city.

When we leave, we're leaving together.

"What about Oregon, or what about... what about Seattle."

Yukito nods, "Lets go somewhere cold."

"Yea." That's me adding my two cents.

Tomoyo is wearing her orange shirt. It must be Tuesday. She only wears her orange shirt when she's in a good mood and she's only in a good mood on Tuesday. She calls it color therapy.

Speaking of therapy......"I have to go."

"Me too," says Tomoyo, "I have to go meet Meiling."

I don't think Tomoyo minds working with Meiling. Meiling isn't as bad as she used to be. See, when all this magician stuff came about and Tomoeda went the way of the damned, everyone was looking for the three most suspicious people.

Not me. I was looking for the three guiltiest people. And Meiling, she's got guilt written all over her face.

I think they feel guilty because of all the people accused of being magicians. It ruined a lot of people. Meiling got quieter, lost all her friends.

And since Tomoyo is on her own personal mission to save the students of Tomoeda high, she'll probably try to save Meiling.

I wonder if Tomoyo is going to Syaoran's house.

Who cares, it's therapy time.

I go to therapy because a lot of the kids in Tomoeda go to therapy. And since my mom is always jumping on the parenting bandwagon, she signed me up.

Therapy is fun, because I get to lie a lot. See, my therapist, Dr. Reed, he was always looking for something wrong with me.

Do I do drugs?

Nope.

Do I have any memories of child sexual abuse?

Nope.

He got frustrated because he couldn't find a single underlying problem. Not that I cause trouble a lot, but he thinks that at least one traumatic event has happened to every person.

So I started making up stuff.

I told him I saw my best friend get hit by a train.

'Oh Really?' He said.

Yep, and when I was six my mom left me in a pool and I almost drowned.

'Interesting' he said.

And did I mention I was adopted?

My official diagnosis?... Pathological Liar.

It's perfect, it's freaking perfect. A week later I leaned forward secretively and said, 'Did you know that there are magicians among us?'

'Are there?' he asked.

Yep, and I know exactly who they are.

I like Dr. Reed. He goes with the flow. He lets me talk about all my 'lies' in detail because he thinks my lies are a clue into my 'unconscious mind'.

'Unconscious mind' is a psychological, hoity-toity term for 'truths your not willing to admit to yourself'.

Denial. Repression. You learn a lot of these words in therapy.

I think Dr. Reed really gets off on this kind of stuff.

So here I am in his big fluffy armchair.

"My friend Kaho wants to kill somebody."

"Who does she want to kill?"

"I'm not telling you."

I'm so slick. See, I don't know who Kaho wants to kill. I'm making him think I know to get him frustrated. Psychologists have this confidentiality contract, If you don't mention a specific person that is targeted for murder, then they can't report it to the police. It's fucked up, but that's the way it goes.

I can tell him that Kaho has a gun, has a motive, knows exactly who she's going to kill. I can even tell him they day she plans to do it. But if I don't tell him the name of the victim, then he can't do a damn thing about it.

Sucks to be you, Dr. Reed.

Of course, this is all for my sick pleasure, I doubt he would do anything anyway, me being a pathological liar and all.

"Kaho is your friend now?" he asks.

"Did I say that?"

"Yes."

"Well, I did help her after she got hit by that car, she was really grateful."

"She got hit by a car?"

"Yea," I nod, "One of the magicians hit her with his car."

He leans back in frustration. He gets frustrated about the magicians because he can't figure out what magicians are a metaphor for in my life: My sense of isolation? My dislike of the state of the world?

Close, Dr. Reed, but no banana.

"She's fine though," I reassure him, "The magician healed her, he's in love with her, you know."

"Is he?"

"Yes, she's all he thinks about, he can't even remember my name because his head is so full of Kaho Kaho Kaho."

Dr. Reed leans forward and taps the tips of his fingers together, "This bothers you?"

"Wouldn't it bother you?"

"Are we talking about me now?"

Beating around the bush is what psychologists do best.

I'm gonna try to change the subject now, "I can read his mind."

"The magician?"

"Yes."

"What does he think about?"

"Kaho."

"Do you need to read his mind to know he's thinking about Kaho?"

"No, you can tell anyway."

"So why do you read his mind?"

"Because it's interesting"

"You find Kaho interesting?"

"I find his version of Kaho interesting."

"You find him interesting?"

Dr. Reed is starting to piss me off. "No, he's slow you know, I think he's mentally retarded, and did I mention he's gay?"

Dr. Reed furrows his brow, "I thought he was in love with Kaho."

Woops.

I look Dr. Reed straight in the eye. I can't let him get the upper hand. "Kaho is really a boy."

It wasn't a good idea to say that because now Dr. Reed is going to either think I'm gay or that I have gender identity disorder.

I know exactly how he thinks. Maybe he should be the one in the hot seat.

It's ok. If things start getting weird I can always discontinue the therapy. I'm 18 now, so I can do that. It's a good thing too because he can't tell my parents anything that I say.

"So Dr. Reed, do you think I should help Kaho kill somebody?"

Dr. Reed frowns, he knows I'm joking but he hates joking about death, "No."

I nod, "You're the expert, Doc."

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

It's Tuesday night. Kaho called in sick so I have to work for her.

The regulars are here. And if Syaoran asks me why I'm not Kaho, I think I'll strangle him.

"Hi welcome to the Magic Blast Cafe my name is Sakura I will be your friendly waitress our soup of the day is vegetable can I get you something to drink or are you ready to order."

Syaoran opens his mouth to speak at his menu. I'm not sure if he's going to order or ask about Kaho. How about I just stop this before it starts? "Kaho called in sick, if you have a problem with me serving you I can get Rika to take your order."

The group looks taken aback. I'm feeling a little embarrassed. "I was going to say," Syaoran says looking down, "That we should maybe meet and work on Science tomorrow."

Oh.

"Sure... where at?"

I wonder what his house looks like. I wonder what his room looks like. Maybe if I see his room he'll seem like a real person.

"Can we just meet here after school?"

He has a weird voice, it's really like, breathy.

"I guess."

"Kinomoto," I turn my head to see Kaho walking towards me. I bet Syaoran is having a heart attack. I wonder what she's doing here. She walks up to me and grabs my hand, "We're going to a party this weekend."

She's got a fresh bruise on her cheek. Guess what: it's not from the car accident.

"We are?"

I hate parties.

She squeezes my hand a little, "Yep." She looks down at Syaoran and smiles her little fake smile. Syaoran looks like he's about to get run over by a truck. "You should come too Syaoran," she says, "It'll be fun."

Yea, sure it will Kaho.

It's really subtle when Syaoran freaks out. His body gets all rigid. His eyes widen slightly. If you weren't looking at him close enough you wouldn't be able to tell.

I wonder what Kaho is up to.

I wonder if Syaoran will show up. I'm sure he will, he'd probably do anything for her.

I wonder.... I wonder if Syaoran would kill for her.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Iron 2 Sulfide. Plus Hydrochloric acid. Two.

Two Hydrochloric Acid.

"Are you ok?"

"Hold on, I'm thinking."

Two Two Two. Iron 2 Chloride.

Hydrogen sulf.....

I wonder why Kaho came to me.

"More coffee?" Kaho asks, smiling sweetly at Syaoran.

I push my mug to the edge of the table and she fills it up before swaggering away.

"That's your third cup." Says Syaoran.

"Fourth."

When I get nervous I drink coffee. When I drink coffee I get nervous.

Fifteen minutes ago I met Syaoran in the Magic Blast as planned. He wants me to look over his homework before we get started on our project. It doesn't surprise me that he knows I'm good at Science.

I have a couple claims to fame: I'm president of the science club, I work with Kaho.

You'd think he'd have to look me in the eye at least once, sitting across from me like this.

Nope.

He does this thing where he looks at your forehead, at the tip of your nose. Never the eyes.

It's ok, I don't look at his either.

Too weird.

Ammonium Phosphate plus Barium Hydroxide.

"Sakura?"

Six. Six Barium Hydroxide.

Did he just say Sakura?

"Huh?"

"Is it too loud in here?"

I think he just said my name.

I shove some more coffee down my throat.

I hate watching Syaoran try to act normal. I hate watching him act like he doesn't care Kaho is strutting around in front of us.

I hate watching Kaho try to act normal. I hate watching her act like she doesn't care she wants to kill somebody or that she has a bruise on her cheek. I know she cares. I'd care.

She's on the phone now. I think she's yelling at it.

I push Syaoran his homework back, "It looks fine to me."

He's not paying too much attention to me now. He's trying to hear her conversation.

I wonder if he worries about her.

I wonder if he wants to be her knight in shining armor, carry her away to another place, live happily ever after.

He's got these arms, these perfect arms. When he leans against the table, his arms push more out of his shirt.

His hair is always itching to his forehead.

Who cares?

This is the thing about coffee. You can never keep your mind on one topic. You notice stupid details that you never noticed before.

He's been walking around without a jacket. He probably doesn't want to admit he left it here because the last time he tried to get it, he hit his love interest with his car.

"You left your jacket here."

"I did?"

When he talks to you, you just know he's thinking about something else.

"Yea."

"Cool, I was looking for it."

Bet you were, Syaoran.

Kaho slams down the phone and starts walking around with the pot of coffee like a zombie.

I want to help Kaho. I don't want to help her kill somebody, I just want to help her.

She came to me. I have no idea why she came to me. She knows she can't use her influence on me. It must be something else. Maybe she just thinks I can help.

I gesture to her and she walks over and slumps down next to me. Syaoran's eyes narrow when she leans her head in my shoulder. I like that Syaoran thinks me and Kaho are good friends. He'll probably pay more attention to me.

Not that I want him to pay more attention to me, I just want him to remember my name.

I wonder if me and Kaho are good friends.

"You wanna spend the night at my house?" I ask her.

Truth is, I was gonna ask if she wanted to stay with me before Johnny Soccer Hero said anything. I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"No." she says.

I can tell when no means yes.

"The Breakfast Club is on TV tonight."

I know what she's going to do now. She's going to pretend that she really likes The Breakfast Club, so much that she has no other choice than to spend the night at my house.

If we were alone, she would probably just say yes. But Syaoran is here, so she has to play it cool.

"I love that movie."

"I know."

"I don't know if my parents will let me."

"So don't ask."

She smiles. She likes when I appeal to her rebellious side.

'Cause little cherry blossom doesn't usually have a rebellious side. Not one that she knows of, at least. Not one that she knew of until I covered up those bloodstains like a pro.

"I'll come by later," She says as she gets up and walks away.

"You guys are pretty good friends, aren't you?" Syaoran asks.

"Apparently so."

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Syaoran and I decided to work some more on our project tomorrow. He says that we should go somewhere else, that we should go to his house. It doesn't surprise me because Kaho isn't working tomorrow.

He probably has her schedule written down somewhere.

Why does that make me sick.

It's a rhetorical question.

I can just imagine those two. Living the American Dream. A white picket fence and two kids. Syaoran, with his trophy wife and magician powers that are oh so handy around the house.

I bet their drains would never get clogged.

I bet their grass would never turn yellow.

I wish I could just go to sleep and quit thinking about this.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Sometimes, when things spin really fast, you can't even tell if their moving anymore. You can't tell if it's still spinning or if everything has come to a dead halt.

Touya brings Kaho over late Wednesday night, and I can tell by their faces that something happened. I don't see any new injuries on Kaho but Touya looks devastated.

Kaho has got this vacant look in her eye and you can tell she's getting lost in her head.

I invite them in.

"I think it's her dad," Touya says sadly, "But I don't know, she won't talk to me."

"So what do we do now?" He asks.

Kaho breaks out of her trance for a few seconds to say, "Nothing, I've got it all figured out."

I've heard her say that before.

Don't worry little cherry blossom. Kaho has got it all figured out.

I resist the urge to call Dr. Reed. We need more information, I'll call him tomorrow. Before Touya leaves he kisses her head softly and whispers "I love you." I think he's about to cry.

Kaho's voice becomes shaky when she says it back, you can tell she's struggling for control.

I feel a twinge of sadness that Syaoran wants to break this up.

I give Kaho some pajamas and tell her that she is going to stay with me for a while. I don't even bother asking her now. My mother will understand.

There is something different about me and Kaho now. She clings to my arm when we watch television. I never thought I had any motherly instincts but their surfacing now. I taped The Breakfast Club so that we could watch it. After a while she actually starts smiling and laughing. "I'm the Molly Ringwald character," she says, "And Touya is the Jock."

"Which one am I?" I ask.

"Your the crazy one," she smiles and looks up at me like she knows something that I don't. "Aren't you?"

"I don't know."

I don't know, maybe I am the crazy one.

That night I have a dream. Syaoran is in it. I'm on a roller coaster that I can't get off of. It just keeps on going around and around. At the end of the ride is a tunnel with a huge drop. Before I go into the tunnel, Syaoran waves at me from the sidelines.

This is what Dr. Reed would say my dream was about: sex.

This is what Dr. Reed says that all dreams are about: sex.

I think Dr. Reed sleeps with old volumes of Freud in his bed.

The bullet shaped roller coaster, he would say, is the phallic symbol. And the tunnel? Use your imagination and you'll figure it out.

And the drop? Climax.

Dr. Reed would say that I want to have sex with Syaoran.

Think again, Dr. Reed.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

I'm in Syaoran's room.

The boy has parents.

He actually has parents.

And he reads books.

And I wonder when he finds enough time to stop thinking about Kaho and read a book.

Good books: Vonnegut, Bradbury, Orwell, Ballard, Palahnuik.

Pre-apocalyptic fantasies, I call them. The world ending, one person at a time. One life at a time. Some of these books have hopeful endings. I usually ignore that part.

"What are you doing?" Syaoran asks as he walks into his room. He just came from the bathroom.

I'm invading your privacy, that's what I'm doing.

"You read books." I state like an idiot.

"Don't we all?"

"You'd be surprised."

He shrugs and begins to open his backpack, but hesitates. There is something he wants to say.

"Did you tell Hikari Horaki that I was gay?"

Uh oh.... this is bad.

Of course, I could always use this opportunity to teach you the fine art of lying. First, you have to pretend that you didn't even hear the question.

I sit down across from him on the floor, "Huh?"

"Hikari Horaki.... she said you told her I was gay."

I can tell this makes him really uncomfortable. He's got this kind of scowl/frown on his face.

Next, you have to pretend that he's not even speaking English, like you don't even know what he's talking about, "Gay?"

He nods, "Gay."

Next, you take some of the attention off of the lie in question, don't worry, we will get back to it later. I widen my eyes in shock, "Are you?"

He shakes his head wildly, "No."

"Cause it's ok if you are..."

"I'm not" he says sternly.

See, now that you've got him thinking about something else entirely, it's time to deny the lie. "I've never talked to Hikari Horaki in my life."

Dr. Reed says that the first step in getting over pathological lying is admitting that you have a problem.

When he told me this, I said, 'I have six toes.'

'We'll have to work on this some more,' he said.

Syaoran shakes his head and opens some of his books, after a while he frowns down at the assignment, "I don't see how were going to get this done by next Wednesday," he says. "We might have to meet a couple more times."

I nod.

"Is Tuesday ok?" He asks.

I can't do this Tuesday, I have therapy. I don't want to tell him that.

"I have a dentist appointment." I say, "How about Monday."

"I can't Monday," he says embarrassingly, "I have therapy."

Well at least he's honest.

And I can't control the laughter in my head, "Where at?" I ask, "At Sunny Glen?" Sunny glen is this huge shopping mall type building that is dedicated solely to mental health.

He nods.

"I go there too." I say.

"You do?"

"Yea."

"Who is your doctor?"

"Dr. Reed."

He smiles, "Me too."

HA!

"No way," I say leaning forward, "What is your diagnosis?"

"Umm," he looks up at the ceiling and lists off his identified problems, "Feelings of rejection and isolation arising from the abandonment of my biological dad."

"Wow, that's a good one."

"What's yours?"

Should I tell him?.... oh what the hell.

"Pathological Liar." I say.

I think I just admitted to have a problem, Dr. Reed would be proud.

He narrows his eyes at me, "So you just lie a lot?"

He'll soon learn, you never ask a Pathological Liar if they lie a lot.

"Nope," I say, "Not at all."

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

Ok here's second chapter, maybe i put another chapter today but i'm not sure, thanx for reading and please send me a review ok??? Thanx!!!


	3. 3

Ok tired chapter and I'm really tired, i haven't slept 'cause i just came back from a road trip but here i am posting this... so ok thanx again to my reviewer, I love your reviews by the way…

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Syaoran... is like an onion.

Sort of.

Well, without the smell and the crying issue.

I'm talking about layers.

He's got these layers, that you have to peel through.

I think I just got through the first one. I don't know why, I wasn't even trying to.

We're talking now, and laughing. We're talking about how Dr. Reed is always tapping his pen on something: on the desk, in his hand, and our favorite, on his head.

When Syaoran laughs, it's not really like an outward laugh. He smiles and looks down and pushes some air out through his nose.

It's kind of....

Never mind.

Anyway, I wonder what is at the bottom of all those layers. A secret perhaps? A magician secret? Thoughts about Kaho?

"What's the molor mass of Carbon." He asks.

"12.011"

"Did you memorize the whole periodic table?"

"Pretty much."

"Wow," he raises his eyebrows, "That must be handy."

"Yea."

Not as handy as magician powers, Syaoran.

This is ultra weird, talking to him like this. I mean, when you talk to someone, you have to be thinking about them, right? And I can't believe that thoughts about me are actually occupying is immediate conscious.

"So," he says, "I heard Kaho is staying at your house."

Mmmmhmmm, spoke too soon.

"Wow," I say, "Look at the time."

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Are you going to Kaho's party tomorrow night?

Are you going to Kaho's party tomorrow night?

Hey, Sakura, are you going to Kaho's party tomorrow night?

Ever have one of those days that you walk through the school doors and you just know: Today is really gonna suck.

I couldn't possibly have done anything more to hide the fact that Kaho is staying at my house.

She was acting different this morning. She looked happy, she was acting like she used to but with one major difference: she was being really nice. And for once in my life, I can't tell if it was her act or if it was real.

"Are you going to Kaho's party tomorrow night?" Tomoyo asks me.

Oh no, they got to her too.

"I think so, are you?"

"Yea."

"We should go together."

Tomoyo begins to stutter over her words, "Yea… I mean… I told Meiling that I would go with her… but like... I can cancel...or like...you could go with us."

Well hello there, wounded ego.

Of course, I can't be mad. I'm glad she's making new friends. She's been really quiet lately, I think Tomoeda is getting to her too.

"Oh, you know what...." I say in mock realization, "I just remembered... I can get a ride with Kaho."

"Are you sure?"

"Yea."

"Ok," she hugs me, "I gotta get to class."

"Are you going to Kaho's party?"

I turn around towards the voice as Tomoyo walks off, "Do I know you?" 

"Yea.... I'm Hikari Horaki.... we have elective together... I was in the bathroom?... the other day."

Well, Hikari Horaki, good thing I don't have magician powers or I would blast you into another solar system.

I walk away because I don't feel like responding. Here's the deal: The party, it's not even at Kaho's house. It's not even really her party. But if she goes then there is some secret document that says she automatically has ruling over the guest list. She's invited me and Syaoran and Tomoyo and Meiling, and probably Yukito and Eriol. So the school is having an aneurysm because Kaho has got this new group of friends.

But the new 'happening' person to be around just happens to be me.

Kaho is staying at Sakura's house. Praise Sakura.

I feel someone grab my arm and pull me aside, "Are you going to Kaho's party?"

It's Johnny Soc.... I mean Touya. He looks distressed. "Yea, are you?"

He frowns, "I can't, I'm going with my dad to some party at his work."

"Oh."

He frowns even more, if that's possible, "She planned it this way, she doesn't want me to go."

"What? Touya that's insane."

He sighs and rubs his eye, he looks really tired, "Just umm... make sure she doesn't.... drink too much... or anything..... ok?"

I'm actually really truly feeling sympathetic feelings for Touya. I regret ever calling him Johnny Soccer Hero.

"Yea... ok."

"Oh, and Sakura? Beware the wrath of Rika." He gestures behind him before walking away.

Oh great. Rika is probably having a hissy fit because I'm Kaho's new best friend. "How's it goin' Kinomoto." She says forcefully as she approaches.

"Hello Rika," I say monotonously.

"Hear your goin' to Kaho's party."

"Yea."

"Just so you know, Kaho is going with me," she says matter-of-factly. 

"Good for you."

She gives me her evil look as she walks away. She's probably imagining the many ways in which she could murder me.

I propose to you a question: If you were having troubles at home, would you go to Rika?

Didn't think so.

"Hey Sakura.... are you uhh... going to Kaho's party?"

GRRRRRRR.

I don't even bother to look at who as talking to me. Instead, I make an announcement to the hall. "I am Sakura Kinomoto, and Yes, for the love of god, I will be attending Kaho's party.... any questions?"

Some of the students in the hall look at me like I grew new limbs, some of them nod in satisfaction. "Great," I say as I turn towards the original voice.

Oh god, I am such an idiot. "Oh... hey Syaoran."

"Are you all right?"

"Oh. Umm," I force a smile on my face, "Yea… just umm... you gotta love those high school politics..."

"Yea," he says, "I know what you mean."

Oh, is that so Syaoran? You follow Kaho around like a puppy just like everyone else.

"So… are you going?" I ask.

"Yea.... I was wondering if you had directions, cause umm... I guess Eriol and Meiling are going with other people so...."

Oh, cut the crap, Syaoran. "Do you need a ride?"

"Aren't you going with Kaho?"

"No, Kaho is probably going with Touya," I say, lying like a dog.

The twinge of pain that passes through his eyes makes me want to hurl, but yet, gives me an unusual sense of satisfaction.

Am I evil or what.

Another rhetorical question.

"Oh," he says, "Ok.. I guess I'll umm... see you tomorrow." 

Yea, don't act too excited there, Syaoran.

I wonder if me and Syaoran are going to become friends. I wonder if I'm going to become his path to Kaho.

And I have to ask myself, Do I really want that?

No.

Hell no.

Hey, if I had my way, I wouldn't even be his damn science partner.

Your not exactly a ball of sunshine to be around either, Syaoran Li.

But I guess...

I guess being his friend wouldn't be that bad. I mean, he is oddly intriguing in that disgusting sort of way.

And I mean, we sort of have some things in common.

And it's not like I actually have any control over my life anyway.

I wonder what he would do if he knew that I knew he was an magician. I wonder if he would be grateful that I didn't tell anybody.

God, I can't wait till Tuesday.

I need Dr. Reed, like now.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Have you ever said your name over and over and listened to how ridiculous it sounds.

Sakura Sakura Sakura Sakura Sakura

An arbitrary combination of letters to define who you are.

Sakura Sakura Sakura Sakura Sakura SAKURAAAAAAAA

My mom pokes her head into my room, "Honey, aren't you going to be late for the social?"

Hahaha, the social.

She frowns at me, "Is that what you're wearing?"

I look down at my chosen clothing, I'm wearing what I usually wear, jeans and a sweater.

"Mom, I'm not going to a tea party."

"You just haven't been out in a while, I thought you might want to dress up."

Sometimes I wonder if my mother grew up in 20th century America.

"I'm going to a high school party mom, you know, the kind with drugs and alcohol and lots of vomit?"

She points her finger at me, "If it's that kind of party I want you to come right home."

"Of course."

"What time are you picking up the Li boy?"

Oh mother mother mother. I stand up, "Right now."

"Ok!" My mother waves at me as I leave, "Have fun! Stay out of trouble! Don't get home too late!"

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But she thinks that the problems of the world can be solved with a nice dress and a little makeup. Yea, like Syaoran Li would notice if I dressed up.

Who cares, I don't want to be noticed.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

"Do you want a cookie?"

Syaoran's mom is always offering me food.

I smile, "No thanks."

"We've got some lasagna in the fridge."

So is his dad.

"It's ok, I'm fine."

"We've got water, and orange juice," says his mother.

The way they're treating me, you can tell Syaoran doesn't get visitors too often.

"I'm really ok... but thank you."

"How about some milk? You like milk, don't you?" asks his dad.

"Umm.." I shoot Syaoran a helpless look as he walks into the room.

Syaoran shakes his head and smiles at his parents, "You guys, Sakura has a mother and father of her own, and despite what you might think, they do feed her."

His mom brushes off his comment and kisses her son on the cheek, "You guys have fun, no drinking."

"And no drugs." Says his dad.

"And no sex." Says his mom.

Syaoran's eyes widen, "We're leaving now."

"No glove, no love, son." Adds his dad.

"Yea," Syaoran says as we retreat out the door, "That's great dad, I'll remember that."

He chuckles to himself as we walk to my car, "They think we're dating."

Apparently they think we're doing more than dating.

I smile weakly, "That's funny."

"Yea."

Yay. It's party time.

It's a Tomoeda party, so one of three things are guaranteed to happen:

1) A fight will break out, the party will be broken up by the cops.

2) Someone will overdose, the party will be broken up by the cops.

3) And this is the most common one, someone will cheat on his or her significant other, an anonymous tip from a neighbor will cause the party to be broken up by the cops.

Understood?

I'm gonna place my money on #3.

We can hear the music pounding as we drive onto the street. Their already being too loud so this party might not last as long as anyone expects.

It's only 9 and the lawn is already cluttered with beer cans. They probably had a warning from the cops and made everyone get inside the house.

How do I know so much about Tomoeda parties? I think it's just the kind of instinctive information you're born with.

Either that or I've just lived here for way too long.

As soon as we walk through the house, some girl is hugging me. "SAKURAAA!"

I have no idea who she is.

She shoves a bottle of beer in my hands, I see Tomoyo and Meiling through the crowd. "I think Kahosss is lookin for you guys." The girl manages to push out her words in a slur.

Syaoran looks really nervous. "She is?"

The girl leads us to the kitchen where Kaho is pouring beer into a funnel that is directly attached to Yamazaki's mouth. When she sees us, she hands the funnel to someone else and clutches to Syaoran's arm.

And I wonder. What is this?

What, exactly, is going on?

"You guys came!" she says.

Syaoran swallows.

I hand him the beer, "Knock yourself out, I'll be somewhere else."

I make my way to the living room where Tomoyo and Meiling are sitting on the couch.

Meiling is wearing one of Tomoyo's shirts.

"Hey guys." I say, "Is Yukito here?"

Tomoyo smiles at me, "He's in the back with Eriol."

"Great... I'll umm...be back in a second."

In the back, Yukito and Eriol are playing with someone's dog.

Yukito must be slightly drunk because he keeps making the little dog roll over and shake. He is very amused by it. "SAKURA," he says enthusiastically when he sees me, "Doesn't this party blow?"

You gotta love Yukito.

He puts his arm around my shoulders, "Sakura, this here is Eriol, and this," he points to the dog, "This is Bob Johnson."

"The dog's name is Bob Johnson?"

Yukito nods.

Syaoran comes out in back, still holding a full bottle of beer. Eriol narrows his eyes when he sees it. "You drinkin'?"

"Maybe," says Syaoran.

"HELLOOO," We turn our attention towards Kaho, who's head appears in the window, "Come in here, were playing a game."

"What game?" Yukito asks.

"Spin the bottle." she says.

Shoot me. Now.

"Come on Syaoran," Kaho says, flirting like there's no tomorrow, "Don't you wanna play?"

"Ummm."

"Pleeease." she says.

Syaoran takes a nervous sip of his beer and nods, "O-Ok."

She turns her charm onto Yukito and Eriol, "Tomoyo and Meiling are playing."

No way.

Yukito's eyes light up, he grabs my arm, "Come on Sakura."

"Yukito," I pull him around to face me, "Listen to yourself, this is crazy talk, we don't do this."

He frowns, "Sakura, Meiling is playing, come on, play with us."

I find it hard to hide my utter disbelief, "Yukito, what the hell are you gonna do if the bottle lands on me??? Hello? Can you say weird?"

Yukito's face stiffens, "You're right, maybe you shouldn't play."

"What if it lands on Tomoyo!?"

He's not listening to me anymore, he's pulling me into the living room.

I sit on the couch and watch Kaho direct the group into a circle.

So here I am.

My peers sitting in a circle on the floor in front of me.

I wonder if I'm losing my only friends.

Yukito goes first, it lands on some girl I don't know.

I can feel myself fading into the background.

Eriol goes next, he's concentrating on the bottle way too hard. Magician powers. It lands on Tomoyo, she looks happy.

I might as well not even be here.

Rika goes next. It lands on Syaoran. Rika attacks him with her mouth. It looks really gross. Syaoran looks uncomfortable.

I should just go.

It's Syaoran's turn. This should be good.

Oh look at that, it landed on Kaho.

The look on their faces? Priceless, fucking priceless.

I don't want to see this.

I'm leaving.

This isn't about me.

As I walk through the room I hear whooping and cooing noises behind me. Must have been a damn good kiss.

Good for them, I say.

Way to fuck up Touya's life while they're at it.

One week ago, Kaho wouldn't give Syaoran a second thought. Now what in the world would make her change her mind so quickly? Perhaps she wants something from him?

Lets dwell on that for a while.

Personally, I think she's lost it. She's gone, far gone.

I guess I would be too.

I go into one of the back rooms. The rest of the house is pretty much empty because the crowd has congregated in the living room.

I enter a back room with a couch and some workout equipment. The white light bulb has been replaced with a blue one, it's very calm. Kaji Ryoji is sitting on the couch staring into outer space.

Kaji Ryoji is a major player in the meth scene. But right now, I think he's on downers.

I've never talked to Kaji in my life.

I sit down on the couch and Kaji lazily glances over at my feet, then points to a bug on the wall. "You see that bug?" He asks.

"Yea."

"Is it looking at me?"

I lean forward and pretend to examine the bug, "Yea, it is."

He is basically handing me the chance to screw with his mind on a platter. How can I resist.

He nods, "That's what I thought."

"I think it's trying to tell you something." I say.

"I wonder where everybody is." He says.

"They forgot about us."

He nods again.

I lean my head back on the couch, the spinning is starting to hurt.

So me and Kaji, we sit there. What fun. About an hour goes by before he speaks again.

"You are so beautiful." he says.

"That's funny," I say, "You haven't even looked at me."

He shakes his head, "I can tell."

"Neat."

"Wanna come over to my house?"

"Not really."

"Ok."

Nice try, Kaji.

"Sakura?" I hear Syaoran's voice outside the door.

I say it again: Yay me.

"In here."

"Sakura," he says as he walks through the door and sits down on the floor in front of me, "I have to tell you something."

His eyes are cloudy, "Are you drunk?"

He nods solemnly, like a little boy, "Yes."

"Great."

He starts to look at his hand like it's the coolest thing he's ever seen. He waves it in front of his eyes. Then he places his palm over my face. "You have a really small head." He says.

Umm...

"See Syaoran, I have this personal bubble, and you are now invading it."

He chuckles and retreats his hand, "You're funny, I have a secret to tell you."

"What," I say unenthusiastically.

He leans forward secretively, "I'm a magician."

"Dude, So am I," Says Kaji.

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask Syaoran.

"Because," he says, "Your more insane than I am."

"I wouldn't bet the ranch on that."

"Shhh." He says, putting a finger to his lips, "Don't tell anybody."

"Yea ok."

He looks around the room in a daze, "There was something else I wanted to tell you.... I don't need a ride home."

"Why not?"

He smiles, "I'm going with Kaho."

.....

"Sakura?"

.....

"Sakuraaa?"

"Huh?"

"Don't tell Touya ok?"

"What?"

"Ok, I'll see you later."

He leaves. And for possibly the first time in my life, I am left without a witty comment to end the night

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

You could say I'm having a bad day.

The question of the day is: What is wrong with me?

Consider last night. Kaho came home at 5 in the morning and I pretended to be asleep. Guess I need to tune up my acting skills cause she knew. I didn't care, I pretended anyway. She kneeled by my bed the way that kids lean against their beds when they pray. She was crying when she said "I know your mad, Touya just can't help me." And through the slits of my eyes I could see the remains of that little bruise on her cheek.

And I wished I was the one that put it there.

With her kneeling there like that, I could have socked her a good one. I could have screamed at her. Her boyfriend is the son of a good friend of the Head of the Police Force for gods sake. All it would take is a few words out of that pretty little mouth of hers and this would be over. They would have her out of that house in no time, her dad or whoever would be thrown in jail.

Nobody hurts the princess.

Not in this town.

A lot of people could tell the police though. Me, Touya, Probably Syaoran knows now. I don't know their reasons for not telling but I sure as hell know mine.

This isn't about me. I'm in the background, observing. I want to see what happens. I want to see if she asks. I want to see if Syaoran gets the girl. I want to see them running from the law with nothing but they very own true love intact.

I want to see Tomoeda have a wake up call.

As long as it's not about the god damn magicians.

Consider my conversation with Tomoyo early this morning. She called me and wanted to know if I had fun at the party. I said, "No, I had a horrible time, but then again you wouldn't have noticed that 'cause you were too busy holding Meiling's hand all night."

And she was quiet, and she wanted to know what the hell is wrong with me, and she wanted to know what's going on and who I am and what happened that made me so bitter.

And I was too ornery to tell her how sorry I was.

And I was. Sorry, that is. Very much so.

But the question still remains, what the hell is wrong with me.

Consider the morning I spent with Touya trying to convince him that nothing was fundamentally wrong with him. I went over to his house because, believe it or not, I am capable of empathy. If anyone is innocent in this fucked up little world we've made ourselves then it's him. Plus I know that the verbal caravan containing the details about last night had probably reached him. And he cried. And what did he do wrong? He wondered. And what could he have done differently? When his dad asked were Barney was I thought he was talking about a dog.

He wasn't.

"You know I don't touch your guns, Dad." Touya said.

Me and Touya are friends now. You make friends quickly in situations like this. I tried to cheer him up with thoughts of bitter revenge. When Syaoran and Kaho finally settle down together we can burn their perfect little house down, I told him. We played violent video games together and talked about how we would move to Alaska and pretend to be brother and sister. I told him he should go with me and Tomoyo and Yukito when we leave. That is, if Tomoyo and Yukito still wanna go with me.

I told Touya that I used to call him Johnny Soccer Hero. Touya told me that he always used to wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

At this point, I can't be surprised.

Consider my drive to Syaoran's house to work on our project.

The reason I never tell you what Tomoeda looks like is you already know. Meet suburbia. Suburban Utopia. Middle class paradise. In Syaoran's neighborhood, all the houses look the same. For a little variety, the construction company added a quirk to each house so that people wouldn't notice that all the houses happen to be exactly the same. One has a porch, one has shudders, one is painted blue, one is painted red, Syaoran's has a second story.

It didn't work. They still all look the same.

The streets have names like "Lightening Sword" and "Fiery Element" The city planners, it seems, are not without a sense of twisted irony. This place, it's just perfect for raising a little nuclear family like Syaoran's.

The teenagers sit on the lawn or wash their cars, a vacant look in their eye that reeks of self-absorption.

So here I am, sitting next to the most self-absorbed one of all, Syaoran Li.

So, yea. I'm having a bad day, you could say.

His layers were all the way around him again when he invited me in. Not a damn word about last night. He did look tired.

So I wondered what he was doing all night.

And as we sat on his bed and I proceeded to work on the project, he proceeded to fall asleep.

And my anger is growing faster than gossip travels through Tomoeda on a Sunday night.

I bet they had sex on this bed. Syaoran in all his masculine glory and Kaho with her ruby red lips and snow white skin. I bet all his fucking dreams came true.

And now, with him sleeping so peacefully, I want to scream. I want to hurt him. I want to jump on top of him and pound on his chest and scream in his ear.

I want to scare the crap out of him.

I want to tell him that I hope he's happy. I hope he knows he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. Perhaps a little gratitude is in order if he still remembers my name.

I want to tell him that I never wanted to know all his secrets. I never asked for this. I want to tell him that now I do know all his secrets he's all I think about. That I can't get him out of my head and he makes it spin and spin and spin and hurt like there's no tomorrow. I want to tell him how much time I've wasted on him, wondering how to save him from Tomoeda.

And I want to tell him to open his eyes and take a good look around because Kaho is a nutcase and she's never gonna love him. That eventually she'll get so unhappy without Touya that he'll regret ever laying a finger on her. How happy will he be with his little wife on suicide watch wishing she just would've told the guy she really loved what was going on.

And I would. I would jump on top of him and scream in his ear. And now that I know your secrets, Syaoran Li. I want to peel away every layer and see what you have swimming around in that perfect little head of yours. I want to see it all, I need to see it all. And I want to hurt you and scare you into telling me. And I want to violate your every fantasy and show you what the real world looks like. And I want you to tell me why you make me sick, and why I care so much, and why I want to be Kaho so that I could know what your arms feel like.

And why I want to know what your skin tastes like.

So you tell me what my problem is, Syaoran Li.

What is it about you that makes me so easy to forget, you're the expert on that.

What, exactly, is wrong with me.

So me, being the action-girl that I am, I sit here next to him on his bed, seething with anger, doing absolutely nothing while he sleeps like a goddamn baby.

I'm such a wuss. My plans become more and more passive by the minute. First it's screaming in his ear, then it's throwing something at him and pretending it was an accident, then it's shifting on the bed enough to wake him up from his peaceful slumber. So this is what I do:

I poke him.

On the arm.

He doesn't move.

He's a deep sleeper.

So I lean over. I lean over so that my nose is hovering millimeters away from his arm. And I breath.

He smells like his jacket, but better, he smells good. I smile because I know that if he was awake he would now how much I was violating him. He would be scared. Then the screaming would begin.

"What are you doing?"

umm....

Since I'm pretty much frozen in fear I keep still. My eyes can still move. I look up at him to see him looking down at me. That's a good question Syaoran Li.

I'm violating you, that's what I'm doing.

He doesn't look scared, he doesn't look mad.

I can do this. I practically lie for a living so I can do this now.

"Something smelled weird," I say.

He smiles a little, "Is it me."

"Yes." I say, forcing my body to an upright position.

He rubs some sleep from his eye, "Well what do I smell like?"

"A boy."

"What does a boy smell like?"

And I say, "Bad."

He tilts his head to the side, his hair brushes against his forehead, "I just took a shower."

"Well maybe you should switch soap."

And that's when it hits me: I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I still don't know what's wrong with me. I still don't know what's wrong with him. And I am still so incredibly mad. I want to destroy something, to break something. I want to cause trouble.

He picks up one of the papers I was working on, "This is so boring."

Yes it is, Syaoran Li. Lets see what you've got. I look him straight in the eye even though it's a given that he doesn't look at me back, "Let's go break into Dr. Reed's office."

It's perfect. It's killing two birds with one stone. I get to cause trouble while simultaneously finding out exactly what the expert says is wrong with me, wrong with Syaoran.

I wonder if he has the guts.

I know he's thinking about it, after a minute he unfurrows his brow and smiles conspiratorially and says, "Ok."

This, my friends, should be a lot of fun.

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

Ok fourth chapter tomorrow ok??? Thanx for stopping bye


	4. 4

Ok i'm a day late, sorry, but here it is! Ok thanx to Apelles, Ebil Combustible Explosives and watercircle, I'm glad I made you laugh and thanx for all the comments so I hope you like this chapter

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

I am plastered to a brick wall, in a shadow.

And I swear to god I hear the theme song of Mission Impossible playing.

'Cause we weren't expecting a security guard.

I'm wearing one of Syaoran's black beanies. I figured that if I was going to get all spyish on Dr. Reed's ass then I would go all the way, black beanie and all.

Syaoran keeps laughing at me because it's way too big and is constantly falling over my eyes.

I feel like I should be carrying a gun against my face and wearing black leather pants, barking out orders as to how we are going to proceed.

I like this. This feels good. I should break the law more often. It's like lying, but on a grander scale.

"SHHHHH." I tell Syaoran as the side of the cap slips over my left eye.

He stifles his laughter, "Yes cap'n. You act like you've done this before."

Syaoran is so ruining my spy mood.

"Shut up, I think he's coming."

'He' happens to be the security guard that is walking around the building with a flashlight. We made it around to the back, and if he comes back here, we're screwed.

We make ourselves as flat as we can against the wall.

"You have done this before, haven't you."

Syaoran is really getting a kick out of this.

"No, but I've thought about it a lot, keep moving."

We slide along the wall towards the window.

"It's that one," I say.

"You sure?"

"Positive."

I basically have the blueprints for this place memorized. Thank god Dr. Reed is on the first floor. The Sunny Glen Center for Mental Health has three floors. The first floor is dedicated to your average, everyday whako. People like me and Syaoran. The second floor is for the people on meds that have to stay a little longer. There is a pharmacy on the second floor, probably a couple white padded rooms. If Kaho were to go to Sunny Glen, she would probably head straight for the second floor.

Just kidding, I love Kaho. No, really.

The third floor is administration. You only go to the third floor to see the head honcho before treatment begins, to discuss your goals and payment.

The first goal they made for me was to 'establish a framework for treatment through open discourse of problems or areas of concern.' (Huh?)

Their second goal? Lets just get that damn girl to stop lying.

Not likely, oh great ones.

While I have been lost in the inner workings of Sunny Glen, Syaoran has taken it upon himself to open the window with his magician powers.

He thinks that I don't know this.

He doesn't know I have the uncanny ability to think and observe from the corner of my eye at the same time.

"That was easy," I say.

"It was unlocked."

ha ha ha.

Who's the liar now, Syaoran?

He uses his big, manly arms to push me through the window, then himself.

Oh yes, we are so sneaky.

We are in.

When Syaoran closes the window, it makes a really loud slamming noise.

"Shit." He says.

A beam of light drifts across the window.

"Hide." He says.

I push Dr. Reed's chair out of the way and scramble under the desk, Syaoran follows. It's too crowded so were both rolled into balls, clutching our knees against our chests.

Syaoran's shoe is touching mine.

"Is he coming?" I ask.

"I think so."

We hold our breaths as we see the beam of light shooting through the window to the office wall, around the overstuffed maroon chairs, to the desk.

I think Dr. Reed should invest in some mini blinds.

Syaoran shoulder is still hanging in view and he crams himself under the desk as much as he can.

"This is insane." He whispers.

"No," I say, " We're insane."

When the light disappears, I peek my head out from under the desk, "I think he's gone."

"We need to be careful." Syaoran says this to me like I don't know it.

I twist my upper body and reach around to open the drawer.

I know which drawer my file is in because I'm always watching when Dr. Reed puts it away.

Kinomoto, Sakura Sonomi.

That would be me.

Li, Xiao Lang.

Ha, it says Xiao Lang, that's funny.

"Here you go, Xiao Lang" I say as I hand him his file.

He glances at my file and smiles, "Thank you very much, Sakura Sonomi"

I swear, when I get a little older, I'm changing my name to Sakura, officially.

Well, lets see what Dr. Reed thinks my problem is.

We quiet down as we begin to sift through our files.

Instead of Sakura, it says "patient". Instead of Kaho, it says "K."

When it talks about magicians, it says "magicians." But when it talks about 'the' magician (guess who), it says "M."

Psychologists take fucked up notes like this just in case a couple of nut job teenagers decide to break into their offices on a Sunday night to read each other's files.

'Confidentiality,' Dr. Reed says, 'is of the utmost importance.'

Most of my file is really boring. He goes into the possible implications of my lies. It's mostly wrong. I try to find the more interesting parts.

"Denial" this, blah blah blah. "Repression" that, blah blah.

Come on Dr. Reed, give me something I can work with.

"Repression of romantic feelings towards M."

Huh?

What the hell is this?

I read a little further down, "Patient expressed extreme hate towards M. in today's session. Yet the discourse lately has been about nothing but M. I sense that patient may be harboring extreme and conflicting romantic feelings towards M. Patient identifies M. with magicians, which may mean that patient senses and identifies with the possible feelings of isolation that she perceives in M."

Umm...

"Patient may be in denial of feelings of jealousy towards K., who apparently is the object of M's affection. Patient talks about K. in unfavorable light and lessens the significance of K's problems."

That's bullshit, I do not.

This is all stupid and boring and wrong.

Syaoran groans down at his file, "How's yours?" he asks.

"Pretty uninsightful, Yours?"

"Same."

I want to read his file. I want to read his file badly. I need to read his file. I sift through mine once more, I really don't think that he would draw much from it if he read it, it's too cryptic. Except for the last page, where Dr. Reed describes the events of the car accident. That would totally give me away.

I have to read his file though.

"Maybe we should trade," Syaoran says.

I nod and hand him my file, "Just don't read the last page."

"Why not?"

"Just don't, ok?"

He nods as I grab for his file, "Wait a second," he says, pulling his file away, "I'm not sure about this."

"Come on."

"Umm... there's a lot about...."

"About Kaho?" His eyes widen to saucers, "Yea, no shit, sherlock, it's no big secret."

He frowns nervously, "It isn't?"

"Where's Kaho," I say, "This is Kaho's section, you're not Kaho, is any of this ringing a bell, Syaoran?"

And then he says, and this is classic: "Oh."

Yea, OH is right, Xiao Lang Li.

He reluctantly gives me his file.

Syaoran's file is full of interesting information.

It reads like the DSMV-IV so let me translate for you:

Syaoran has an unhealthy preoccupation with Kaho. Like we didn't know this.

I wonder why Syaoran has just an 'unhealthy preoccupation' and I have 'repressed romantic feelings' if anything, it's the other way around.

Anyway, moving on...

Syaoran has a big ol' secret (mmmhmmm). This cause a flurry of bad things, isolation, remorse, low self-esteem yada yada yada. Syaoran expressed the realization that he becomes attached to and extremely desires objects that he can't have. This was a large breakthrough because Syaoran realized this on his own accord (go Syaoran). This may explain his preoccupation with Kaho (what?). Syaoran is a freaking lunatic (it doesn't really say that, I'm just screwing with ya).

This is very, very interesting, read: Syaoran wants Kaho cause he knows he can't have her. Whatever will he do now?

I turn the page.

More translation: When asked what he would do if he actually obtained object of desire, Syaoran became irritable and reported that this would never happen. If that happened, he said "Hell would freeze over." I (Dr. Reed) think that perhaps Syaoran does not want to obtain object of desire, that he places more emphasis on the fight than on the cause. Still, I do not know this for sure, perhaps time will tell. When asked if any other girls showed an interest in him, he replied "what other girls?" This leads me to believe that his unhealthy preoccupation has grown, and may be distorting his view of reality (gee, you think?)

This is good stuff, I read down a little further, passing up some stuff about family conflict.

Syaoran reports, at this point, that his greatest fear would be telling his secret to Kaho. We still have not made any leeway into what this secret may be. I assume that it is large. So large that it causes feelings of self-hatred that may cause Syaoran to desire impossible things, things that he may never have because he does not feel worthy enough to have them. This desire may be a form of self-punishment. I propose that this secret may be some sort of crime that he has committed (wrong), or it may possibly arise from events beyond his control (bingo).

Wow, Syaoran is crazier than I thought. He's nuttier than a bag of... well... nuts.

"Jesus Sakura, your crazier than I thought."

hehe, "For example?"

"For example," he raises his eyebrows, "You told Dr. Reed that your parents are Russian spies, and that you have six toes?"

I smirk, "That one's true."

He smirks back, "I'd like to see that."

"Maybe later. And what about you?" I continue, "I'm not the one with the green obsession"

"It's a good color" he says, returning his eyes to my file.

Read away, Syaoran Li, your not going to find any of me in there. I wonder why he's so interested in the first place.

"You talk a lot about magicians," he says nervously.

"Yea I do," I say, "They used their magic on me, you know."

"Right." he says. I think he's getting used to my random lies. He swallows, "It says you know who the magicians are."

"Everyone has their suspicions."

"And who does everyone suspect?"

"You."

Oh beautiful satisfaction. If you could just see the look on his face. "Don't worry," I say as I lean forward secretively, "I know who the magician's really are."

And he is so completely confused. "Who."

"Me."

"Is that so?"

"That's so."

As he shifts uncomfortably, any inkling of a bad mood that I have flies out the window. "I really wish you wouldn't say anything though, it's really hard, being this way, hiding from everything, wishing for things I don't need."

"Is it," he whispers.

I am really getting to him. Peeling back layers and layers in a matter of seconds.

"Yea, maybe you can relate," I say, "I don't really think it matters who the magicians are anyway."

Am I trying to comfort him now? Why am I trying to comfort him?

"Why not."

"Huh?"

"Why don't you think it matters."

"Oh... because... I'm just as normal as you, your just as normal as me." I say, without knowing why.

His eyes dance back to my file, in what seems like a hurried attempt to change the subject and pretend he doesn't care. He smiles, "Repressed romantic feelings?"

"Don't go there." I say.

"Jealousy?.... of Kaho?"

"No."

"Sakura, do you like Touya?"

"NO, God no."

"MmmmHmmm," he says.

Then he smirks, and I would like to smack that smirk right off his face. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Huh?"

"You'd just love it if I took Touya of your hands for you, so you could have Kaho all to yourself."

His smirk disappears. "What?"

"Stop playing stupid."

"That's not what I meant by it, Sakura."

You know when your heart starts beating so fast that you can like, see the blood running through your veins.

"Well for your information, I do not have repressed romantic feelings for Touya, in fact, I just spent the entire afternoon watching his life go down the tubes cause you were off boinking his girlfriend all night."

"We didn't do anything.... we just..."

"I don't care what you did."

"Then why are you getting so mad?"

Cause I obviously care. Time to get down to the nitty gritty, I say.

"Do you really think Kaho is the kind of person you can tell all your secrets to, Syaoran?"

He's getting mad now too, "Of course not."

"Then why..."

"That's the point, Sakura. With her, I can pretend like I don't have secrets, she has secrets too, we don't have to talk about things like that."

I smile incredulously, he's completely missing the point. "Why the hell do you think she's paying so much attention to you now? Mark my words Syaoran, she's gonna start telling you her secrets and you're probably not going to like them."

This is where the denial should come in, "I don't know what your talking about," he says.

See, told you.

"I'm leaving now," he says.

"Go for it."

"Aren't you coming?"

"No."

When I get really angry, I shut down, lies come pouring forth.

"I'm sleeping here," I say, "I live here, you know."

"Sakura."

"Surprise, Dr. Reed is really my Dad, it's a small world after all."

"Sakura, come on."

"He's a magician too, you know, a magician Daddy, you know when magicians mate they bite off each others heads like praying mantis'"

He doesn't respond.

"That's why my mom's dead. Nadeshiko Kinomoto is just a figment of your imagination."

He looks down at his lap and he gets this weird look in his eyes, then he looks up at my forehead. "You saw, didn't you."

"Saw?"

"You saw what happened to Kaho, it was right in front of your house.... I should have known, you made up that story about the stock room."

"I saw nothing of the sort, Syaoran Li, now go before I blast you with my magician power."

"God, why didn't you tell anybody?"

Spin spin spinny spin spin. Get me out of here.

"I have a headache."

"Ok," he grabs my hand, "lets get out of here, ok?"

Let go of my hand.

"Ok." I say.

Everything is fuzzy now as he pushes me out the window. Everything hurts.

I keep thinking about repressed romantic feelings, about unhealthy preoccupations.

I know it's unhealthy to lie to yourself like this.

But really now, where would telling the truth get me. Nowhere I tell you. He's still got his unhealthy preoccupations. Telling the truth has never gotten me anywhere.

I can't tell the truth, not just yet.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Syaoran, as it seems, is without words.

And his driving is shotty, if you ask me.

"Ummm..." He says.

"W-Wha... ummm." He says.

"Yes?"

"Did you... are you..." He says.

"I didn't tell anyone, I'm not going to tell anyone."

He lets out his breath, "This is so... weird."

I chew on my fingernail and stare out the window, my headache has been replaced with that sinking stomach feeling of nervousness.

"Are you ok?" He asks.

I'm confused.

I'm nervous.

"I'm fine."

"God," he says, smiling at the steering wheel, "You don't know how long I've wanted to tell somebody."

Bet you didn't want it to be me.

But maybe he did. I mean, he told me, last night. Why did he tell me?

"Why didn't you tell anybody?" He asks.

"Nobody needs to know."

Syaoran is practically jumping out of his seat. I bet he's just dying to tell me the details of his remorseful little life.

And you know what? I'm just dying to hear them.

"So." I say, "You do any tricks?"

Probably not the best thing to say, 'cause by the time we get to his house my hair is all messy because of some wind and there are flowers all around me. My house key has been turned into something sweet, I've been surrounded by some sort of shield.

And I'm Syaoran Li's new best friend.

And I almost forget that I'm supposed to be hating him.

He locks his door and runs around his room showing me meaningless magician artifacts.

I call them meaningless because when I ask "What does this one do?" He just smiles and says "I don't know!"

He pulls a poster out of his closet and shows me a symbol with a sun and a moon on it.

He doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing, he says. He doesn't know why he has magic or if he's supposed to become stronger. He tells me that he's starting to not care.

He tells me that he just wants to be normal.

And that is definitely sympathy that I'm feeling.

"I can't believe you know," He says, "I can't believe your being so cool about this."

That's me, cool as a cucumber.

"You told me last night, when you were drunk."

"Huh?"

"You told me you were a magician, when I was hanging out with Kaji, I already knew, but you told me."

He smiles, "Yea ok."

He thinks I'm lying. That's the thing about being a liar, when you tell the truth, nobody believes you. Kind of like a crying wolf. "You did, you said my head was really small and that you were a magician and that you were leaving with Kaho."

"I did?"

"Yea."

"Weird," He says, "Maybe I just thought.... that you were like... the kind of person I could tell."

"Kind of person?"

"Yea," he says, "It doesn't seem like a whole lot of things scare you."

That's me, fearless.

"Yea," I say.

"I said that your head was really small?"

"MmmmHmmmm."

He furrows his brow "Okay..."

And for the first time in about an hour, Syaoran shuts his trap.

He walks to his bookshelf, lost in thought, and skims through his books.

"Are you still mad at me," he asks, "For liking Kaho."

How off topic was that?

He pulls out a book.

"No, I just think you're gonna get hurt."

He nods, "Yea I probably am...... but I have to try, don't I?"

"Guess so," I say.

What a load of crap.

"She's just got these eyes, you know?"

Yea, she does have nice eyes.

Mine couldn't get any more boring.

"Yea, they're great."

Is this what being Syaoran's friend means? Hearing him worship Kaho?

"Ever been to nowhere?" He asks.

Is this one of those cryptic questions?

I say, "Ummm."

"Nowhere, Tokyo, there's a book signing there on Tuesday, we should go."

"Why don't you ask Kaho."

"I don't wanna go with Kaho," he says, "She wouldn't like it."

And I say, "Only if you change my house key back to normal."

Somebody tell me why I keep putting myself in these positions.

Ok, yea, we all know it's obvious that I have some twisted preoccupation with him.

So maybe I.....

Maybe I......

like him.

A LITTLE.

Not like it matters anyway, with all the Kaho worshipping going on.

And you know, friends, isn't that bad, I guess.

You know what? Friends is fine. Friends is perfect.

Oh god, I need therapy.

There is no way I can wait until Tuesday.

As soon as I get home I run to the phone. Dr. Reed has an emergency home phone number.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Reed this is me Sakura I need to change my appointment to Monday I can't wait until Tuesday please please please say you have an opening this is an emergency pleeeaaassseeee."

"Sakura?"

"YES, Sakura."

"Tomorrow?"

"TOMORROW."

"Calm down, I can fit you in after school."

"Ohhhhh good."

"Is everything ok?"

"NO."

"Ok, we'll talk about it tomorrow ok?"

"Ok, bye."

And I can only hope that Dr. Reed can fix me before I get to Tuesday.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Tomoyo is giving me her death glare, in her red shirt, so it must be Monday. She only wears her red shirt when she feels like killing people and she only feels like killing people on Monday. That's why she's always in a good mood on Tuesday, compared to Monday, any mood is a good mood. Color therapy, she calls it. But you knew that.

Somebody call in the National Guard, the sacred social networking system of Tomoeda High has just been blown to smithereens.

And aside from Yukito and Tomoyo, I've got so many new best friends that I could bottle my popularity and sell it on a street corner.

Of course, none of them are friends with me because of my charming personality, it's because they want information about other people:

Touya, in a sorry attempt to make his life even worse, wants to know the details of Syaoran and Kaho's little suoree. Details that I don't know. In Syaoran's words "They didn't do anything" which, by definition, is just bullshit since anything includes everything, like sitting around, driving, picking your nose, staring at the wall, boinking, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. So unless they dropped from existence that night I doubt that they "didn't do anything."

Kaho wants to know if Touya is "OK", to which I replied "He's just fine and dandy." I made the sarcasm in my voice apparent enough to send her crying off to the bathroom. And yes, of course I felt bad, but as has been illustrated more than a zillion times, this isn't about me.

Rei Ayanami wants to know if she can touch my arm 'cause Kaho has been sleeping at my house. She wants to know her work schedule, the color of her pajamas, her brand of toothpaste. Unhealthy preoccupation much, Rei Ayanami?

In fact, the only people that have addressed me personally are Syaoran Li and Kaji Ryuji.

Kaji Ryuji wants me to be his new drug queen. Apparently, he likes girls that screw with his head. So when he recovered the memories about the night of the party he went around school asking everyone if they knew the girl with the Converse All Stars. It was pretty easy for everyone to figure out it was me because I was the only girl not playing spin the bottle.

So Kaji, he comes up to me and says, "You're the girl from the party?"

And I go, "Huh?"

And he goes, "Let's go to the movies tonight."

And I go, "Let's not."

And he smiles and says, "You're perfect"

Apparently he likes girls that screw with his head and turn him down a lot. Apparently he's a glutton for self-punishment like another who will remain nameless. Apparently the drugs have done a number on his brain.

Speaking of the nameless, lets talk about Syaoran Li.

Syaoran gained a few best buddy points today, he knows that I'm ready to kick my lying up a notch.

"Did I mention It's a three hour drive to Nowhere," He said.

"Nope."

"Did I mention we're not going to school tomorrow," He said. He had his conspiratory-evil grin on.

Apparently, I'm not just his new best friend, I'm his new partner in crime.

I can't help but get the feeling that if anyone else knew his secret, I wouldn't be getting so much attention.

So the end of the school day is finally here. And as I walk quickly down the hall to avoid Tomoyo's death glare and Yukito's disappointed glances and Syaoran's evil grins, I hear Kaji Ryuji say, "You sure you don't want to go to the movies tonight?"

"Yes," I say.

And Kaji smiles.

I'm digging myself into a hole as we speak.

Bring on the therapy.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Dr. Reed has a bunch of cool little knick knacks all over his office, for you to play with while he rips open your mind.

My favorite is this little plastic skeleton on a neon green podium. The skeleton is held up by a bunch of tightly pulled strings. You push a button at the bottom of the podium and the skeleton collapses into a pile of bones. You release the button and the strings tighten again, the skeleton is good as new.

There's a little black smiley face painted on the skull.

Push the button: bye bye smiley face.

"Fix me," I say to Dr. Reed, "I'm ready to be fixed."

Release the button: hello again, happy little skeleton.

"You want to stop lying?" Asks Dr. Reed.

"That's not what I meant."

"What do you mean?"

"I need to stop liking somebody."

Push the button: Hello you sad little pile of bones.

"The magician?" He asks.

"Maybe."

"You want to stop liking him?"

"Yea... isn't there some sort of behavioral conditioning or something?"

"Behavioral conditioning." He says.

Right about now, Dr. Reed is probably wishing he never lent me his clinical psychologist's field guide. He lent it to me thinking it's best for patients to be 'in the know'. Plus, he knew I could just go out and buy one of my own. But I think he's a little annoyed now that I've memorized every sort of treatment that exists.

Release the button: I keep dismembering you yet you stay so happy. If I were you, I wouldn't be smiling.

"Behavioral conditioning," says Dr. Reed, "Works best with phobias."

"It works with sex offenders." I say.

"Your not a sex offender." He says.

Yea, I know that doctor.

"It works with fetishes." I say.

"You don't have a fetish," he says, "You like a boy."

And I'm thinking: he's not a boy, he's a magician.

Maybe I have a magician fetish.

Nah.

"They did this study," I say, "Where a bunch of people had a shoe fetish. They put them in this room where there was this movie playing. And it would flash between pictures of shoes and pictures of corpses and blood and guts. After a while the people started to associate shoes with death. And Wa-la, no more shoe fetish."

"Or maybe," says Dr. Reed, "You could just ask him out."

"It's not like that, I'm his best buddy now, I get to hear about how much he likes Kaho. I need to stop liking him by tomorrow. Maybe if I thought about something really bad every time I looked at him, maybe I could condition myself."

Do I sound too desperate?

"I don't think that would work." Says Dr. Reed.

"What would work?"

"There is nothing wrong with liking someone, Sakura."

"There is if it's unhealthy."

"I don't think you liking someone is unhealthy."

This is where I want to tell Dr. Reed everything that I read in Syaoran's file, get myself in huge trouble.

I could go about this in a roundabout way.

"So where is the point when it becomes unhealthy?"

"It's unhealthy," he says, "When you want someone so bad that you don't even care who it is, when you use it to punish yourself."

Release the button: Hello happy little guy. Hello completion. Hello togetherness. Hello unity.

"Why is it," I ask, "That the one you want is never the one that wants you back."

Push the button: Hello pile of bones. Hello destruction. Hello incongruency. Hello disillusionment.

"I don't know." He says.

"I'm going on a three hour drive to nowhere." I say.

"Why three hours?" He asks, thinking I'm speaking in metaphors.

Who am I to prove him wrong?

"Didn't you know.." I say, "That everything happens in threes? I've got six toes on my left foot and three on my right. I was born on March 3rd, 1933. And, oh yea, I'm a triplet."

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Syaoran picks me up early in the morning, about the time we should be heading for school, and not two seconds into the drive does he start to blab.

And after about fifteen minutes, he wants to know, "So what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You know all my deepest darkest secrets," he says, "So what are yours?"

Good question, Syaoran.

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

So I everything goes well, the new chapter should be out tomorrow, ok?? Thanx for reading


	5. 5

Well i'm really happy because i got more reviews, so i want to thank them ok?

Watercircle: so Thanx for being my first reviewer and for reading, and this isn't from any book, well i don't think so, but i read it once a long time ago and i have it in my mind, so yeah i'm not sure if it was a book or what... but I'm going to investigate it ok?? Thanx for your review!!!

Peaceful Angel: Thanx!!!

Kokoro Mizu no Kaze: you think so?? Well thanx!

Apelles: Ok sorry for the mistake I tried to pay more attention this time ok??? Thanx for your comments!

So well I'm really grateful for the support and well here's another chapter

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Syaoran picks me up early in the morning, about the time we should be heading for school, and not two seconds into the drive does he start to blab.

And after about fifteen minutes, he wants to know, "So what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You know all my deepest darkest secrets," he says, "So what are yours?"

Good question, Syaoran.

I lie so that I don't have to show you who I really am.

I make up fake problems to explain why I feel so lonely and sad.

Yea. Surprise! I know exactly what my problem is.

Dr. Reed thinks that I don't realize all this.

But I do.

But this isn't about me.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I look at Syaoran and I'm thinking, corpses.

"No secrets here," I say.

"Liar."

"That is the most unoriginal put down that you could say to a pathological liar."

He smiles and I'm thinking, bloody mess.

"Kaji Ryuji is in love with me," I say.

Sometimes these words just come flying out of my mouth.

"The drug guy?" He asks.

"Yea, he wants my bod."

"Does he?"

"Wants me to have his love child."

He lowers his eyebrows and says, "Weird."

Yea, weird is right, why would a guy want little ol' me, right Syaoran?

"Yea," I say, looking at the window, "Pretty fuckin weird, so who's gonna be at this book signing deal anyway?"

Syaoran looks at me funny, I can see this through the corner of my eye. Yea, that's right Syaoran, you pissed me off.

He says, "Crater Leviathan."

No way.

"Crater Leviathan is like my favorite author in the world." I say.

And Syaoran smiles and says, "Mine too."

I'm thinking road kill.

Let me tell you a little bit about Crater Leviathan. Crater Leviathan happens to be one of the oldest living great authors. He's about 86 and he's completely senile. He wears these big shiny purple capes with gold stars all around it. He swears constantly.

He is my hero.

The person I identify most with is an 86 year old senile man.

Who knew?

He writes fictions about the desert, about secret military projects. He writes about the discontented members of a town that has lots of secrets, ring any bells?

I can't believe Syaoran knows about him.

I'm thinking dead people.

Syaoran points to a heavy looking bag in his back seat, "How many of those do you think I can get him to sign?"

Syaoran has all 8 of his books. I only have two, I read the rest in the library.

I say, "A great man once said that to write is to go wading through a pool of toxic waste in search of clean water."

"Massive Complacency," Syaoran says, "Prologue."

Then he says, "Life is a redundant time loop and death is a mirage."

"Convolution," I say, "Chapter 12."

Syaoran nods and smiles.

I'm thinking decapitation.

So here we are on a road to nowhere.

Didn't someone write a song about that?

We don't talk a lot for the rest of the ride, until we get lost in nowhereland.

We finally find our way to this bookstore. It's huge, three stories. A big red sign on the front of the building says, "Nowhere Books: The biggest independent book store in this side of Asia."

I say, "Whoa."

Syaoran says, "Wow."

We run inside and get separated immediately in the pure chaos.

Everyone inside is wearing purple capes and quoting passages from books. It feels like a Harry Potter convention for the old and mentally distressed. That wasn't a put down, I identify with these people.

A woman comes up to me and says, "Hoobla!"

And I go, "Hoobla?"

And she nods and goes, "Hoobla."

How can you not love this place?

I could get lost in here for hours.

And I do.

Syaoran finds me later in the art book section and his eyes are as wide as saucers, he shoves a book in my face, "Look what he wrote."

Written in the front cover of the book, it says:

Syaoran,  
Secrets are the windows to the soul.  
Or is that vegetables?  
I live Nowhere, you should too.  
Wake up son!  
-Crater Leviathan

"Weird," I say, "If we were just a smidge crazier maybe we would get it."

He nods reluctantly, "What are you reading?"

That's when I show him what my world would look like. I show him art books with huge blown glass sculptures. I tell him that when I move out, I'm living in a huge glass house. Dark red with little gold flecks inside. Dome shaped with a tubed hole at the top for a fake fireplace, built on the side of a mountain.

"Better not move to the west coast," he says, "Too many earthquakes."

We go to the magician mythology section and look at pictures of crop circles. Funny thing is, he knows what some of them mean.

I say, "Freaky."

We go to the horticulture section and I show him my favorite tropical plants.

We go to the photography section and he shows me his favorite photographer.

I'm thinking: wow, he really does think about things other than Kaho.

Then he goes, "We should go soon, I have a date with Kaho at 5."

I look at him and I'm thinking, slaughterhouses.

When we get back in the car and head home, he puts his hand into one of his bags and says, "I got you something."

He pulls out a little bright purple magician on a neon orange podium. He pushes a little button and it turns into a little dismembered magician. "It's stupid," he says, "but I thought it was funny, you know, like the one in Dr. Reed's office."

I look at him and I'm thinking, dismemberment.

I'm thinking gunshot wound.

I'm thinking massive head trauma.

I think I'm running out of bad things to think about.

I grab the magician and hold it up to him, "Is this you?" I ask.

He says, "Yea, pretty much."

"Which one is you." I say, pushing and releasing the button, "Happy little magician man, or unhappy little pile of magician parts?"

"I guess both."

This is the part where I realize how selfish I've been.

This is the part where I realize how nice it is to see him acting happy.

I can say this isn't about me a zillion times without believing it. I can paint him any way that I want. Truth is, this really isn't about me. His problems are mine times 100000. I'm just playing a part. I'm just observing. When he goes out on that date with Kaho, I have to put my feelings aside. I have to get lost in some fantasy in my head to make it easier.

I can never be Kaho.

It's unhealthy to believe I could ever be Kaho.

He reaches for the toy.

"Mine," I say.

"Can I just play with it?"

"No."

He laughs, "Please?"

"Don't break it."

"I won't!"

As we drive, we watch the little magician fall down and get back up again a billion times.

"You're playing with it too much," I say, "You're gonna break it."

"I will not!" he says, "Jesus, I can always get you another one."

I hold out my hand, "Give it."

He sighs and gives me back my happy little magician, "Don't worry happy little magician" I say, "I won't let the big mean magician play with you anymore."

I'm thinking: What have I been reduced to?

I'm sitting here talking to a plastic toy like I would a dog.

Syaoran says, "I never got to umm.... thank you... for not telling anyone."

"Don't mention it."

"No really, I don't know what would have happened if anyone else found out."

"Well," I say, "I did it for purely selfish reasons, I don't want to see Tomoeda go down the tubes again."

This is, of course, bullshit. I did it for him. I wanted to save him.

"Well… thanks anyway."

"Yea."

You guessed it, I can't take a compliment. I'm not used to getting them very often, not used to giving them either.

When he drops me off in front of the Magic Blast, I hold out the toy, force a smile on my face and say, "Little happy magician guy hopes you have fun on your date."

He smiles again. I'm thinking death, body parts, bad things, you name it.

Syaoran says, "You know, if you keep talking through that magician, we might need to get you an extra session with Dr. Reed."

I put my finger on the little magician's head and bob it around, "Leave him alone."

After he leaves I walk into the Magic Blast and slump into one of the booths. Rika is immediately in my face, "Was that Syaoran Li?"

"Sure was."

"He's going out with Kaho tonight, you know."

"Sure do."

And then, Rika goes, "You better not get in Kaho's way."

And I go, "I'm not in the mood Rika, get the fuck away from me."

If I only had a camera.

As Rika walks away, someone slides in the booth next to me and says, "That was rad."

Notice my insides cringing.

"Hi Kaji," I say monotonously. "No, I still don't want to go to the movies."

"Fine with me," he says, "we can just sit here and eat."

"Oh boy."

"Perfect," he says, "You going out with Li?"

This is one lie I'm not willing to tell.

"Nope."

"Cool."

Kaji looks like he's been hanging out with a rock band too much. And he needs a hair cut. He'd be ok looking if he got a haircut. He's wearing a leather jacket.

I say, "That's a gross jacket."

"'Cause it's leather?" He asks.

"Yea."

"Some cow died to make the hamburger you're probably about to eat."

Notice my blinding hypocrisy.

I smile fakely, "Well consider me a vegetarian."

"Wanna go smoke some weed?"

"Not really"

"Ok."

He gets up and says, "The jacket is pleather."

"Huh?"

"Poly-vynl blend."

"BYE."

"See you at school," he says smiling.

I wonder if he would leave me alone if I was nice to him.

Do I wanna risk it?

Tomoyo is giving me her death glare again. I know I'm gonna have to swallow my pride and apologize one of these days. Not today, today sucks.

I go upstairs and lay on my bed, thinking about nothing for hours.

I've never had a boyfriend. Isn't that sad? I'm a senior in high school for god's sake. The only boy I ever kissed was in seventh grade and was repulsive.

But that's just me. The virgin Mary of middle class suburbia.

Would shooting me be too much to ask?

I'm thinking of cars driving off cliffs.

The phone rings around eight. It's Syaoran. And I just know this should be good 'cause he can barely push words out of his mouth.

"Oh god," he says, "I gotta tell you something."

"Lemme guess," I say, "Your mom asked you to lent her that mop of hair to clean the sofa"

I can say stuff like this because I'm his new best friend. Insults are an integral part of friendship.

He doesn't even laugh.

"Kaho," he says shakily, "Kaho wants me to help her kill somebody."

I'm thinking dead people.

I'm thinking life in prison.

I'm thinking big mistake.

And I say: "Oh."

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Would it be extremely horrible of me to say I told you so?

Probably.

"Sakura?"

"Umm... what did you tell her?"

"I didn't tell her anything..." Syaoran is seriously freaking out. "Sakura... she's... god, have you seen her arms?"

I think about Kaho's arms. She's been covering them up. "Syaoran, she's been staying at my house… I don't see how…"

"Just look at her arms."

I hear a noise from below. "When did your guys' date end?" I ask.

"A few minutes ago."

"Fuck, she's here, I gotta go."

"Sakura, what the hell am I gonna do?"

"Your gonna... calm down..."

I'm not big on comfort.

"And your gonna, breath. God, I dunno, go watch TV or something." I slam the phone down before Kaho walks into my room.

When I look at her, I think about those after school specials where the wrinkled over-sexual woman gets this young stud to kill her husband. I think about Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuco. Bitter revenge and bullets and paralysis and facial disfiguration. People that treat people like puppets, escape goading, weak people taking the fall for the weaker.

Kaho has got this look in her eye that I could imagine people getting when they're dead. I've only seen one dead body before, my grandmother. Fortunately, her eyes were closed.

Correction: Two dead bodies. I saw Kaho's dead body once, covered in blood and walking around like a zombie. Maybe she was never really brought back to life.

I open my mouth not knowing what the hell I'm gonna say. My guess is that it will be mean. It doesn't matter because she speaks before I do.

"You talked to Syaoran," She says.

I nod.

"You don't get to be mad," She says.

When she talks, the top of her lip curves up like she's holding something in, tears or screams or something along those lines.

Her eyes drift downward and she stands in my doorway, clutching at the frame. She seems paralyzed. Rigermortis must be setting in. Even her hair is dying, It used to be so bouncy and fair, now it just hangs there in wavy, broken off pieces, taking on a sheen of piss red.

"I can't even feel anymore," she says. "I'm numb."

Even her outfit is dying. She has this long jacket that ties at the waist and flares out at her hips. She always used to give me these fashion tips: Wear long jackets cause they make you look taller. Her jacket just hangs on her like a dead animal. Even the outfit is dying.

"I won't let him take the fall," she says, "I'll take the fall, one hundred percent. I don't care, I just can't do it by myself."

Even her eyes are dying, turning beige. She used to tell me: Wear white eyeliner to make your eyes look bigger. Blush, she used to say, is instant pretty. She used to tell me I didn't need to wear blush. She said I was a natural blusher. Her cheeks are pale, even her cheeks are dying.

"So you don't get to be mad," she says. "At least you can still feel."

Even her voice is dead.

"If you tell anyone, I'll deny it. Cheerleading practice was a real doozy officer. Fell on my ass and got bruised up and down."

I say, "Why?"

She says, "Because I don't want Touya to know."

"Touya does know, Kaho."

"No," she says, "He doesn't know everything."

Jesus Christ.

I walk up to Kaho with my wide eyes. I think both of us are about to cry now. I push the jacket a little bit off her shoulder. I don't need to push it much to see that even her arms are dying. Dark purple, almost black, dead, that's all, just dead. I clench my eyes when I see it and she pulls her jacket back up, probably thinking she's a disgusting monster.

"Kaho, when did you go home?"

"I went yesterday, to get some things."

"Is it your dad?"

"I'm not telling you."

This one's a no brainer, she lives alone with her dad.

"Take off your jacket," I tell her, "I'll get some ice, ok?"

She shakes her head.

"It's ok Kaho," I say, "It'll feel better."

And when I make it down to the Magic Blast ice bin, that's when the tears come. They're not selfish tears. They're tears for her. I don't want her to die.

I don't want her to hurt.

I want her to be normal Kaho, walking around without a care in the world. Treating me like a social leper. Making the school into a caste system. Making fun of my fucking outfits, giving me fashion tips. I don't care, I just want her to stop hurting.

I can do this for her. I can swallow my pride and do this. I can comfort her and take care of her and become her fucking bodyguard if that's what it takes. I can try to convince her that there's another way to go about this. I can try to convince her that Touya won't care what the hell has happened to her.

And no one is going to lay a goddamn finger on her again. I'm willing to bet money on that, lots of money. I'm willing to bet my life on that.

And no one is going to freaking die. Not her, not her dad.

Though, I would give my left arm to kick him in the face.

I fill a plastic bag full of ice and bring it back up to my room. She's sitting on my bed crying with those dead arms of hers. It's hard to believe they're really arms.

I lightly place the bag where the bruises are the most swollen, wipe some tears out of my eyes, and say, "Kaho, Touya won't care."

She just shakes her head and says, "Touya can't know."

Then she breaks down, completely. Touya is her weakness. "I love him," she says, her tears pouring over the shoulder of my shirt, "I never meant to hurt him."

And I swallow my own tears and stroke her hair, "It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong."

We stay like this for an hour. Me trying to convince her she's not a monster, me trying to convince her that she doesn't deserve this, me trying to convince her that I'm not just saying all this.

She tells me she feels ugly, that she doesn't want to talk about this anymore. We go into the bathroom and sadly sit around on the sink, I put some hot oil conditioner shit in her hair, she paints my nails lavender.

She likes doing girlie things like this. I'm not having such a bad time, maybe she's rubbing off on me. We do a load of laundry and she says, "You should wear more dark red and warmer colors, your an autumn."

I smile.

We give each other pedicures and she slathers some green shit all over my face. She says, "You should do this more often, keeps your pores clean."

I smile again. Fashion tips, beauty tips, keep them coming Kaho. I know that this isn't such a big step. I know there's more to her than fashion tips and beauty tips. But it's a start.

So I go to bed. I let Kaho sleep in my bed, it's big, and I don't care 'cause I like her now.

And I feel numb too. Probably not in the same way that she feels numb, but numb nevertheless. 'Cause I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

I can't be jealous of her anymore. Nobody could.

I don't want to be her anymore.

But I still don't want Syaoran to have anything to do with this.  
I don't think he would kill anyone for her, I don't think he's that stupid. I used to, not anymore. But this situation, it's bad. And it's starting to spin out of control.

And it needs to stop, before somebody does something they'll regret.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

So it's Wednesday. You could say I'm confused.

In three days, a bottle will be pointing at me.

Only, I don't know this yet.

Right now, what's pointing at me is a wand of mascara.

And if my eyes don't start looking bigger soon, I won't be able to blink.

Do you know what happens when you don't blink?

Your eyes dry out and fall right out of your head. I think.

It's Wednesday morning, hours before school, way too early in my opinion. And to add to the utter perfectness of the situation, Kaho invited Syaoran over.

They're pretending that nothing happened.

So am I.

"We need to reinvent ourselves," Kaho says.

I agree with her, but this is not what I had in mind.

"Kaho," I say, trying to keep my eyes open, "My eyelashes are already black."

She retracts the menacing mascara wand and frowns, "Don't blink."

I blink.

"Urgh!" She says.

Believe me, I wouldn't be doing this if I hadn't convinced Kaho to wear some of my clothes.

In my clothes, I look normal, but Kaho looks like she joined a grunge band. I'm a little taller than her so my pants hang below her shoes, also mine. Kaho's not wearing platforms, you gotta see this. She's got a T-shirt on with a thermal shirt underneath. Grunge, she's only mildly complaining.

Syaoran is more than amused, at both of us.

"It's not even black," Kaho says, "It's clear mascara."

"What's the point of that?" Syaoran asks.

"I'll tell you what the point is," I say, "It's a ploy, a marketing scam, they sell you cheap clear gel in a bottle and charge you five bucks a pop. The promise of invisible beauty."

Syaoran says, "Oh."

Kaho says, "The point is, it flips your eyelashes up and keeps them in place, and it's cheaper when you don't need the color."

Syaoran nods in confusion and says, "Oh."

"Beauty," I say, "Is an institution."

"Sakura," Kaho says, "I just wanna make your eyes look bigger."

Syaoran laughs, "You read too much, both of you."

I say, "No such animal."

This is why I'm relaying this morning to you: I want you to know that this isn't one of those stories where the girl gets all done up and pretty and the guy realizes he's loved her the whole time, just because this one night she happened to be prettier than usual. That's bullshit, that's not love, that's department store advertisement.

This is the kind of random stuff I think about when I'm not thinking about Syaoran, wondering if he'd like me if I was as pretty as Kaho. Wondering if he notices my eyes look bigger or my nails are lavender.

I know, you could choke on the hypocrisy.

Talk about social commentary. I need to stop thinking.

Apparently, my enlarged eyes can only hold Kaho's attention for so long. Now she's sitting next to Syaoran, holding onto his arm.

She says, "Do you go to the gym?"

He says, "No, I do pull ups in my room every once in a while."

She rests her head on his shoulder.

Syaoran smiles at me like all his dreams are coming true.

The thing is: he knows it's not real. I just don't get him.

And Kaho, she really does like him. You know, she said to me something about if she wasn't in love with Touya she would really really like Syaoran.

After the crying episode, me and Kaho talked here and there about her wanting to kill her dad and her getting the crap beaten out of her like it was no big thing.

Another defense mechanism, Dr. Reed would say.

Rationalization: You come up with various explanations to justify the situation, while denying your feelings.

So yea, we sit here a crack jokes and pretend nothing's happening. This is just stuff that were not ready to deal with. Our unconscious minds are hating us right about now. All three of us.

In two days, I'm gonna wish I wasn't pretending that nothing was happening.

Only, I don't know this yet.

This is what else is going on in my head: Me and Syaoran are going out on our first date. He's taking me to this little independent movie theater to see a movie adapted from a Crater Leviathan book. He buys me a candy bar. I buy him popcorn. When we're sitting down, our arms brush against each other, we both turn bright red and....

"We should get to school," Syaoran says.

Little do I know, this is the day that Syaoran takes over my head, completely. This is what we call obsession. I'm admitting all of this right now: I hate him, I love him, I know him, I don't understand him, but that doesn't matter. I just wanna sit here and think about him, there's not enough time to just think. If I just sit here and think about him enough, maybe it won't matter what's going on in the outside world.

Obsession.

If that's not unhealthy, then I don't know what is.

But at least it makes it easier to convince myself that I'm happy for him. And it makes it easier to focus on what really matters here: Kaho.

So yea, I'm confused, you could say.

When we go to school, me and Kaho and Syaoran walk through the double doors together. Were reinventing ourselves, so all the high school politics don't matter to us anymore, and nothing matters much to Kaho anymore.

I see Tomoyo in the hall, she's not giving me her death glare anymore, she just looks sad. I should apologize right now, but I don't.

In two days I'm really gonna be wishing that I apologized to her.

See:

In three days, a bottle will be pointing at me.

In two days, my face will be slammed up against a refrigerator, a gun will be pointing at me, I'll be thinking about blood and snot mixed with Ketchup and Mustard.

In two days, I'm gonna realize just how many things I should have done differently.

Only, I don't know this yet.

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

So what do you think?? Well we're getting close to the party from the first chapter, and is going to be really interesting from now on so well see you tomorrow!!! Thanx for stopping by!!


	6. 6

Ok so here's a really short... well not that short, but is a short chapter, you'll se why in the end…

Well happy new year everyone!!!

I want to thank:

watercircle: Thanx for your comments, i'm really trying to pay more attention in the grammar but well... thanx for reading!!!

simplyxkitty: Hey Thanx for the things you said, i didn't thought i was good in writing but yeah…. Anyway thanx!!!

Katrid: Thanx… really and give my thanx to your friend also… and well I hope you keep reading ok??

So here's my new chapter:

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Grunge, the new fashion statement sweeping across Tomoeda High like wildfire. Rei Ayanami is heard saying, "You know, I've always been a Nirvana fan."

A boy walks into the bathroom in new pants and comes out with holes ripped around the knees.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna try to get Kaho to dress like a clown, see if anyone comes out of the bathroom with a bulbous red nose.

So lunch just started, I'm at the pay phone, calling Dr. Reed. I do this sometimes on Wednesdays, he usually expects it. He should be starting his lunch too.

He says I'm too attached, that he shouldn't encourage me by taking my calls.

But he always does.

"Hello?" He says.

"Hey Doc."

"Hello Sakura, how are you today?"

"Fine, I just wanted to tell you, I haven't lied in almost half a day."

For me, this is almost a record.

"But we shouldn't get too excited," I say, "I haven't really had the chance."

When I'm done talking to Dr. Reed, I take a minute to stare out the window. It's so hot outside that everything is blurred by the heat rising off the pavement. Maybe it's a hundred and ten degrees, maybe it's a hundred and twelve. All you know is that you don't ever want to go outside again.

I'm eating lunch with Syaoran today, I'm sure he's going to ask me about Kaho.

In fact, I'm so sure that, if he doesn't, I'll move to Tibet and become a monk. 

Kaho is eating lunch with Rika today, to get her off our backs.

So I walk down the halls, next to the row of lockers.

Kaji Ryuji says, "You. Me. Party. Saturday night."

And I look at him, "Whose?"

"Mine. They're always mine. That was my house you were at last weekend."

I go, "Oh."

He nods.

Then I go, "What would you think, If I went to this party with you and I was fantasizing about somebody else the whole time?"

He smiles, "Kinky."

I say, "Get a haircut."

He says, "Wear the red sweater."

"I have two."

"The darker one."

I nod and he starts walking backwards.

"Get a good haircut," I yell, "And don't do uppers before you pick me up or I won't be able to stand you."

Brutal honesty, I do this sometimes. Makes people think. It usually doesn't last for long.

So, why am I going to a party with Kaji? I don't know. Maybe because I'm sick of thinking, I'm sick of feeling. I'm sick of wondering why I'm not doing anything or how responsible people are supposed to act. Maybe I'm tired of thinking about Syaoran and maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm tired of thinking about whether or not I should be tired.

Does that make sense?

I'm just drifting here, I'm just waiting for something to happen that doesn't involve me.

If this doesn't make sense, that's the point. It doesn't to me either.

So I meet my best buddy Syaoran in Gym-ville. It's crowded today, because of the heat. But we still sit alone. Touya thinks I'm a traitor, hanging out with the enemy.

I don't feel like a traitor.

I hope someday Touya will understand all of this.

Across the gym, Eriol and Meiling are hanging out with Yukito and Tomoyo. They sit in a nicely spaced circle, Tomoyo is slightly blushing. You can tell they're not used to each other yet.

Me and Syaoran sit next to each other with our backs against the wall, sucking on our respective boxes of grape Kool-Aid. I hope he doesn't bring up Kaho because I don't feel like talking about dead people at lunch.

"You got rejected too." I say, pointing my straw across the gym at his friends.

"Yea, they'll get over it," He says, "They always do."

We're sitting so close that our arms are touching. This is what best friends do.

He pulls a picture out of his backpack and hands it to me. It's a field of orange flowers.

He says, "Poppy reserve, Fukuoka."

Sitting in the field is Syaoran's nuclear family, a long time ago.

In my head, me and Syaoran are getting married. No, scratch that, we decide not to get married because we agree that marriage is an institution, a piece of paper, a market. Instead, we decide to just live together. We get this little apartment and decorate it with junk. We don't have kids yet because Syaoran says he wants me to himself for at least a couple years. In my head, Syaoran is really cheesy romantic like this. But in my head, I'm learning how to take a compliment. We get a cat, a furry gray cat. We name him Kero.

In the picture, a ten year old Meiling is wearing a jean jacket with hot pink rhinestones. You can tell this was taken in the early nineties. Little Syaoran has one arm around his cousin and one arm around his mom, who is crouching down to his level. The orange flowers reach for miles into the background, pure orange until they reach the powder blue horizon. The flowers look like their falling over the edge of the world.

I say, "Wow."

I say, "Your hair has always been a mop."

He gives me a 'screw-you' smile and grabs the picture. "We should go."

"To Fukuoka?" I ask.

"Yea."

"That's like a sixteen hour drive."

"So."

I would tell him to take Kaho if I wanted to talk about killing people right now.

"I don't have time," I say.

"When school is over."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why me?"

Then he thinks. "Well," he says, "We have fun, don't we?"

Brutal honesty time. I say, "Whatever will Kaho think?"

He says, "She won't care, she knows we're good friends."

"Well, don't you have fun with Kaho?"

"Yea, but we do different things."

"Like, say, boinking?"

"No.."

"What then, planning murders?" I say.

Uh-oh.

He just looks at me for a second, eyes on my forehead.

I know that was really fucked up.

"Forget it," He says.

He's about to get up when Kaho walks by, she leans down and whispers to us, "Can you guys meet me at my house Friday night, there's some stuff I wanna get and I don't want to go alone."

I smile, she's finally trusting me on stuff like this. Maybe that murder deal was a passing thing.

I tell myself that I don't give a rat's ass if Syaoran is mad at me.

So we go on like this.

We get through Wednesday.

We get through Thursday without talking.

I get through Thursday without talking to anyone.

In my head, me and Syaoran are having our first fight. We make up quickly, we both admit blame, we just don't want to fight anymore.

In my head, me and Syaoran are... hehe... making up.

He picks me up on Friday and we make it through the car ride without talking. When we get to Kaho's house, her car isn't there.

I say, "She's not here yet."

He nods.

I say, "I'm sorry."

He doesn't look convinced, he says, "Lets go for a walk."

So we walk.

And it's just one of those days.

One of those days where the heat sucks all the life out of you, you can't even think. One of those days where the sun is going down and it's still one hundred degrees outside. The heat is so dry, and when you walk, you can feel that some places are hotter than others. It swirls around you, it entrances you, it stings your eyes. It makes your heartbeat slow to save energy. It makes you lethargic and apathetic.

The bugs that come out when the sun goes down chirp in rhythmic patterns, hypnotizing patterns. You could get lost when it's like this, you could lay down one someone's lawn and fall asleep.

There's only a little bit of light left now, everything is turning greyish-blue. Syaoran wipes some sweat off of his forehead and looks at a darkened little house. He looks over the gate into their side yard. He opens the gate.

I say, "What are you doing?"

He says, "Going swimming."

I just stand there. I'm thinking breaking and entering.

He talks in broken sentences because it's so hot and you have to save energy. "Nobody's home," he says, "It's hot. We swim."

I follow Syaoran into the back of someone else's house trying to figure out what is going on. He says, "You'll break into Dr. Reed's office with me but you won't break into a swimming pool?"

He takes off his shirt.

I'm not saying a thing.

He takes off his pants and jumps into the pool in his boxers.

Not one dirty thought is passing through my mind.

I swear.

He says, "Come on, I forgive you already, get in." He splashes my feet.

And I say, "Turn around."

He rolls his eyes and turns around. I'm thinking this is maybe one of those intimate platonic best friend things. Girls do stuff like this together right? Go swimming in their underwear?

Right. So why should it be different for two best friends that happen to be a boy and a girl?

It's not sexual, you know. At least for him it's not.

So I take off my shirt, kick off my shoes, take off my pants. I get in before I let him turn around. The water is freezing and it feels good. It's like a shock to the body, a wake up call. It pulls you out of your trance, details start becoming more clear.

The pool light isn't on, so the water looks like black tar, you can't see underneath it. Good thing, because my very unsexy white cotton bra is probably doing nothing in the way of privacy.

I say, "If you ever have any doubt that you're more insane than I am, you better remember this night."

I swim over to the stairs of the pool and sit down, rubbing some water over my face. Syaoran swims over and sits next to me.

"I'm not gonna kill anyone," he says, "If that's what you think, I'm just worried about her, I just want to help her get through this."

I nod, "Me too."

He puts his arm around me in his friendly platonic best friend sort of way, "We'll get her through this."

"We really need to do something, Syaoran," I say, "We need to turn him in."

He nods.

I continue, "I know Kaho doesn't want it, I know it will cause all sorts of trouble, but we can't do nothing anymore."

"She's really confused," He says, "She'll forgive us for it."

I say, "Yea."

He's looking at me weird now. I'm looking straight ahead but I can see him looking at me, at my shoulder. He's grinding his jaw a little, he does this when he's thinking really hard.

I'm thinking platonic platonic platonic.

The stars are showing up now, they're reflecting off of the black water, so is the moon. The water, it's sparkling, shimmering silver on black, quivering.

He pokes at my cheek gently with his finger, "You're turning purple," He says, "You're cold."

Platonic.

He touches my lips with his finger and I can't move. My eyes slide over to look at him through the corner of my eye, he's looking at my lips. He says, "Your lips are purple."

Sometimes people have these really platonic relationships but are really close. You know, like it wouldn't be so weird for say, Tomoyo to touch my lips and tell me they're purple, I think.

I look down at my arm, my skin has turned this greyish-purple color. I'm freezing. I look dead.

He says, "Are you cold?"

I say, "No."

He closes his eyes and the hand he has around me starts rubbing on my shoulder. 

Platonic.

Platonic.

He stops and stands up, he's smiling nervously, he's looking at my chin. He stands in front of me and holds out his hand.

So I take it, because I can't move and I can't think and I have nothing better to do.

And he pulls on my arm, pulls me into him. He wraps his arms around my waist, he rests his head on my shoulder.

And since this is one great big happy platonic hug, I wrap my arms around his neck, and I hug him back.

Best friends do this sort of thing, you know. Best friends hug. He's isolated, he's confused, he needs a best friend right now.

Best friends hug.

For comfort.

He needs it.

I give it.

We're friends, platonic ones.

Problem solved.

And you know, I'm almost about to convince myself of this platonic bullshit.

Right up until he kisses me.

I can lie to myself, easy, but this is a hard one.

'Cause best friends don't make out.

His eyes are closed. He's kissing the side of my mouth, slowly, moving down to my chin.

And I just stand here.

If this isn't a nervous breakdown, then I don't know what is.

His lips are so warm that I almost forget that he has never looked in my eyes before.

He's got his arms around me so tight that not even water can get between us. I almost forget that this isn't what he wants.

When he reaches my neck, one of his hands moves up my back and tugs at my bra.

Funny how fast platonic turns sexual, huh?

I almost forget. There's all these feelings, good ones. And I'm not freezing anymore. And I've never been this close to someone. I almost forget.

I almost forget that I'm supposed to be nervous and scared out of my mind 'cause we just went from 0 to second base in 3.5 seconds. I almost forget that we're supposed to be somewhere else, helping someone... Kaho. I almost forget that he hasn't looked into my eyes, or that I'm not the one he wants, or that he's probably closing his eyes so hard because he's imagining I'm Kaho.

I almost forget that this isn't about me.

Almost.

So I'm going to do some rationalization. Defense mechanisms, I need them, I'm not ready to deal with this. Push my feelings aside, explain the situation in a rational manner.

Maybe Syaoran does this with Kaho. Maybe he doesn't care that she's thinking about Touya when she's kissing him.

Well, I care.

So I say something. And he's working at my neck so softly that I can barely talk. My voice is choked, whispered. You don't want to screw with the silence.

You could trip on the quiet.

Forget about the shimmering water and the quiet and the lips and the hands and the warm. It's not real.

I say, "What are you doing?"

My voice sounds more scared than I would like it too. I'm not scared, my feelings are pushed aside. I'm not anything.

I'm nothing.

I'm not even here.

He stops kissing my neck, he just stands there. His eyes are still closed. He's grinding his jaw again. He looks distressed, confused. "I don't know," he whispers.

This is me, speaking. I try to sound supportive, I try to sound caring. If I was a better actress, I would stroke his hair or some platonic best friend lovey-dovey shit like that. But I'm not. I say, "Your so close, to her, to having her."

This is me, choking, whispering. I say, "Don't mess it up, Syaoran. You deserve to get what you want."

This is me, trying not to think about Touya, trying not to think about how everyone's agenda is getting in the way of everyone else's.

He leans back, eyes still closed. He's got this painful 'I feel like a moron' look on his face. "I'm sorry," He says.

I believe him.

"It's ok," I say, trying to sound sincere, "Let's just go, we'll be late."

So we get out, we get dressed. We're uncomfortable.

My mind has shut off, it's running on a generator, on a back up plan. I'm just trying to walk straight. Concentrate on walking.

He's got that stoic look again, the one he gets when all his layers are up. But he looks sad. He looks sorry. He probably thinks he took advantage of me. He's probably feeling really bad.

I concentrate on walking. I concentrate on the wet spots forming on my sweater and how my underwear is really uncomfortable.

I concentrate on Kaho. We're going to help her now, were going to do something. She's gonna stop hurting. She'll be pissed but she won't be hurting. I'll tell Touya certain things. I'll tell him how scared she is, how there's stuff she's not ready to tell him, so don't push her.

Then I'm going to get myself out of this mess. What will happen to Syaoran, I won't know. I'm going to stop watching and observing. After Kaho stops hurting, I won't care what happens anymore.

When we reach Kaho's house, her car is parked in the front. I'm hoping that she's waiting in the car but she's not. So that's bad.

We ring the doorbell in the silence. We wait a few minutes, listening to the bugs chirping, wishing our clothes would just dry already. Wishing this day would just end.

Little did we know, this day wasn't going to end anytime soon. But keep in mind, we don't know this yet.

We hear a scratching behind the door, we see the light through the peephole turn black, someone is looking out it.

The door sways open and there is Kaho. This is the kind of deja-vu that you never want to have.

Kaho and blood. I've seen this all too often.

Only this time the blood isn't hers.

The look in her eyes is beyond zombie and she drops a blood covered knife to the ground.

She's shaking.

You don't want to look behind her, your afraid you'll see something you don't want to see.

And Kaho says, "You're late."

Then she breaks down. She cries. She cries like she's never cried in her life. "I couldn't.... do it," She says through her sobs. "I couldn't do it all the way."

This is me, trying not to panic.

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

hehehe cliffhanger don't you hate me??? Ok don't answer that… so tomorrow is the next chapter… I hope… ok we're far from the end so… ok thanx for reading!!!


	7. 7

Ok i'm late, i'm sooooo sorry and by the end of this chapter you're going to hate me more, but i'm sorry ok... so I want to thank:

watercircle: Oh i know that i shouldn't do that and I did it again, sorry, well thanx for the compliments and I loved that scene too the best part I think is when she says that she's about to convince herself of the platonic bullshit right until he kisses her… well I hope you like this chapter too

Sakura Arielle: Ok here it is, don't send her please... thanx!!

Nedra: i think the end in this chapter is also good, Thanx for your review!!!

NekoMiho: Thanx, I think that too and i love the conversations that Sakura has with herself... anyway thanx for the compliment

Yuuga: hey Thanx i'm glad you like it... I think we all have good ideas for ff, the things is we have to learn how to write them down, I did it by reading a lot and thinking 'bout the conversations I have with myself inside my head… anyway thanks!!!

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

The three of us, we stand here in a triangle.

A menage-a-trios of pain, of self-punishment, this is all we've ever been. We were out to hurt each other, manipulate each other, hate and love each other. Now we have to work together.

I'm faced with a decision because Kaho can't make decisions at the moment and I'm not ready to ask Syaoran.

But who am I. Who am I to say what's right and wrong.

Who made me the judge?

If you shift your eyes to the left, you can see the figure laying on the ground, you can see the blurry outline. Don't turn your head, or you'll focus. You don't want to focus.

Did she do something wrong here? Does she deserve to be punished for attempted murder. Does she deserve any more punishment. If she doesn't, I have a plan.

Logic.

But still, if you shift your eyes to the left and downwards, you can see a trail of blood. You can see it hazily emerging from the figure, you can follow the path it makes in little drops between you and - whoever. If you shift your eyes to the right, you can follow the path it makes towards the knife. I wish her carpet wasn't white. I bet it's a bitch to get blood out of white carpet.

Logic always wins out in situations like this. I see blood, I think logic. Can't let my emotions rule, Kaho can, I can't. But my plan, my plan would be the lie of the century.

Worse than covering up a car accident, worse than covering up an magician conspiracy, worse than washing the blood off the street that night, worse than burning those bloody clothes.

Who do I think I am. Why doesn't anyone else want to be the judge for a change. 

If you raise your eyes a little, you can see Kaho's knees against the carpet, you can see the tears falling on them. If you raise your eyes even more, you can see her face getting lost in her hands. Her wet, bloody hands. You know she's not a killer. You know what you have to do.

I know what I have to do.

And inside, I'm laughing. Sometimes the emotions are so strong that they have to come out somehow. I don't want to cry, so I think about how fucked up this is and I laugh inside.

I think about how I could have stopped this and I laugh inside.

It's a defense mechanism.

It's called: Reaction Formation.

Look it up.

'Without our defense mechanisms,' Says Dr. Reed, 'We wouldn't survive.'

'People need them,' says Dr. Reed, 'Don't mess with them, they are adaptive.'

I wonder if I'm becoming any less of a person.

I wonder if I'm becoming a defense mechanism.

I'm becoming a robot. I'm just a vessel for every psychological term in the book.

Syaoran's biggest fear is telling Kaho he's a magician.

My voice is mechanical, cold as steel. "Go in your room Kaho, stay there."

She sobs harder. I don't want to be mean, but I'm doing this for her. " GO."

She goes.

I don't know where to start. I know what I have to do, but I don't know where to start.

I can't look at Syaoran's face, I pull him over to the body with closed eyes.

When I open them I'm expecting some sort of shock, but it doesn't come quickly. I expected this, some greasy guy, a bloody knife wound on his chest, a gash on his forehead from where she must have knocked him out. This isn't affecting me. 

Maybe I'm losing my humanity, maybe Syaoran is too.

We kneel on either side of the body. The disgust comes slowly, but instinctively, in waves. I want to throw up.

Syaoran is disgusted too, I can tell without looking. I grab his hand in mine and pull. Our hands hover over the body. I don't know how I know this, but I know we're both thinking the same thing:

Fucker deserves to die.

And:

It's not for us to decide.

I say, "Don't heal the head wound, we need him out."

Syaoran nods and places his hand over the chest.

Gendo Mizuki.

I hope he rots in jail. I hope he gets beat up a lot. I hope he gets what's coming to him. I wish I could be the one to give it to him.

But I can't.

I put my hand over Syaoran's and he nods at me. This is for support. We're in this together.

He reaches for a small black orb and he clenches it in his hand then he clenches his eyes shut when he heals him. I know he's seeing things, I hope it's nothing too traumatic.

"I knew it, I fucking knew it," this is coming from the door.

I'm thinking: Shit.

Me and Syaoran turn our heads to see Touya. Insane looking Touya, rage filled Touya. He's glaring at Syaoran, "I knew it was you," Touya says, "I knew you were the magician."

Syaoran has this look on his face, like he's losing hope.

"What did you do to her," says Touya, "Did you make her like you? Are you that fucking sick?"

Touya has a one track mind: Kaho. He's not even wondering why Syaoran just healed Kaho's dad.

"It's over," Syaoran whispers to himself, "I'm over."

Not yet, Syaoran.

I was touching the body too.

I get up and face Touya like the feisty magician I'm pretending to become, "It's me Touya, ME. I'm the magician. What are you going to do, you gonna turn me in? You gonna tell everyone? Your girlfriend just tried to kill someone, you want her to go to jail?"

I'm yelling at him, I'm being as intimidating as I can be.

And Touya looks confused, about to cry, he says, "You?"

I nod, "Syaoran is normal," I say, "get out of here."

He starts walking backwards towards the door, slowly. Then turns around and runs. I hope he doesn't go do something stupid. Now we don't have much time.

Syaoran says, "Sakura."

I try to ignore the way he's looking at me. We don't have time for a mushy best friend moment.

I say, "You're welcome, now make the blood go away."

He looks down and nods, waving his hand over the carpet, over Gendo's clothes, over the knife. We're almost done.

I put the knife in a big wooden block on the kitchen counter. We go into Kaho's room, she's crying on her bed. Then words just come pouring from my mouth. Lies. This is for Syaoran.

I tell her she has to listen to me, I tell her to concentrate. I tell her I made it go away, that she's not going to be in trouble. The blood's gone, the stab wound is gone.

I say, "I'm not really normal."

She wipes some tears out of her eyes and looks at me in awe, she says, "I always did think it was you."

So Kaho thought I was a magician all along.

Inside, I'm laughing.

I say, "Lets get the hell out of here."

I tell Syaoran to take Kaho in his car. I take Kaho's keys and get into hers. I think this is over, I'm not sure, but I think it is.

But there is something, something I'm forgetting.

What is it.

.....

Fuck.

Good thing my mom makes me carry around a cell phone. I reach into my bag and grab my cell phone, dial a few numbers. Kaho carries hers in her pocket, always.

She answers, "Hello?"

"The gun Kaho, where is the gun?"

"Oh god," she says, "It's in the kitchen."

I slam on the breaks and swing the car around, "Why the kitchen?"

She says, "He goes in my room, he doesn't go in the kitchen."

I say, "Where in the kitchen?"

She says, "The drawer to the left of the fridge, in the back."

I hang up.

Almost over, this is almost over.

I think about going home, taking a shower, a hot shower. I think about laying down in the shower, and crying. I'm thinking, when am I going to be able to just start crying?

Crying is the hardest thing to put off for later.

I'm so tired.

So I go back to the house, we left the door unlocked. I creep past the body. I resist kicking it.

It would be so easy, to just kick it, really hard, in the face.

No kicking people in the face Sakura.

I'm thinking about when I get back to my house and I can call the police.

I walk silently into the kitchen, open the drawer on the side of the fridge.

The gun is wrapped in a towel, several of them. Looks like your average towel drawer. I unwrap it. It's so weird, holding a gun like this.

I don't want to be holding it. I want to throw up again, I want to go home and cry, when will this be over.

When can I stop being a walking defense mechanism.

I hear a stirring in the living room, so I turn around. Gendo Mizuki has decided to get up and start walking around.

What is this.

Why won't this end.

He's looking at me, he's touching the little bit of blood trickling from his head. This is the kind of person you don't want to see walking around.

I close my eyes, fear makes you close your eyes.

He says, "Little bitch tried to stab me."

He says, "Where is she?"

I couldn't talk if I tried.

I grip tighter onto the gun, I'm shaking, so I don't want to drop it.

I close my mouth and try to hum but I can't. My throat is closing up.

He says, "Who the fuck are you." His voice is sick, slimy. He slithers closer, like a snake. My hand twitches.

He says, "Where is she."

He sees the gun.

I have the gun, so I try to convince myself that I have the power here.

He steps closer and I raise the gun.

I have the power. I have the power.

That's bullshit, I've never even seen a real gun up close.

But guns mean power.

Even if I don't know how to use it.

He steps closer.

I use both hands to hold the gun because one hand makes it too shaky. I try to think, this shouldn't be that hard, it's just a trigger right. But no, you have to cock it, I think, with your thumb, I don't know.

He steps closer.

It depends on what kind of gun it is, some guns go off when you cock them, Yukito told me this. I think there is some guns that you don't have to cock. I don't know. Where is my power. Why isn't he scared.

He steps closer.

And what if I did know how to use it. I couldn't just shoot him, Could I. Could I shoot somebody, maybe I could aim for the knee. Could I do that.

He steps closer, he raises his hand.

I could just try a combination of things, I could cock it, pull the trigger, see what happens. But I don't want to see what happens, I want to know what I'm doing. I don't want to shoot somebody and have it surprise me.

He raises his hand and touches the tip of the gun, then slowly grabs it, then slowly pushes it so that it's not aiming at his face.

Or I could just give up.

I close my eyes when he rips the gun from my hands.

I failed myself.

I stand up straight, I prepare for what's going to happen.

How do you prepare for something like this, for something unknown. What is he going to do.

I feel a hand, grabbing my hair. Gripping it so hard that it feels like he's ripping it out. I feel my face slam against something, something cold.

I feel the round opening of the gun against my temple.

My cheekbone is throbbing.

I open my eyes and see the smooth surface of the refrigerator.

Do you want to know what it's like before you die?

Your life doesn't flash before your eyes, you think of stupid things.

I think about how I should have apologized to Tomoyo.

I think about the crime scene photos. Brains mixed with day old sliced turkey. Blood and snot and tears mixed with ketchup and mustard. I know that death isn't romantic but this is about as unromantic as it gets.

Some slimy frizzy haired guy with a gun that beats little girls for a living shoots me and I get to die in a refrigerator.

I think about how I could have just let him bleed to death, dammit. I think about how this is the ultimate martyrdom. I know this is egotistical of me, but give me a break, I'm about to die.

I gave up my life because I'm too good to let someone die.

I think about Touya running around town telling everyone that Sakura Kinomoto is a magician.

I think about Syaoran without a best buddy, and I'm sad 'cause I know he'll be sad. Tomoyo and Yukito, they'll miss me, I hope they turn out ok. I'll miss them too. My parents, enough said, I don't want to do this, this is depressing. 

At some point, you accept your fate. Maybe it's around the time when you hear the cock of the gun. You just know it's over. You let go.

And you know, I'm not really sad, just regretful. There's so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to get out of town, see the poppy fields with Syaoran, see Seattle with Yukito and Tomoyo. I wanted to go to college and learn things. 

I wanted to have sex. Pathetic, i know. But can you blame me. I wanted to be touched and kissed and loved.

I wanted someone to worship me like Syaoran worships Kaho.

You accept your fate, but you always have a glimmer of hope. Just a glimmer, because your not dead yet. You tell yourself, If I get out of this, I'm gonna change things, I'm gonna do things right, I'm gonna start thinking things through. I'm gonna do everything I've ever wanted to.

And then everything goes quiet, and you just listen. You listen to the quiet, you stare into the blackness beneath your eyelids.

Now you're ready.

If it's your time, you're ready.

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

hehehe another cliffhanger, I was going to put the other part buy I decided to be evil but don't worry in 2 or 3 days I'm putting the next chapter ok???

Well see ya!!!!


	8. 8

Am I late??? I don't remember, so ok the party we've been waiting for,,, what will happen??? Ok I want to thank…

watercircle: Ok i hope this ending is not too... ok i hope i don't leave you hanging too much... thanx for all your reviews

NekoMiho: You're welcome... thanx!!!

Fiana-Water: Thanx Thanx Thanx Thanx Thanx Thanx Thanx Thanx Thanx Thanx…

kaze-mononoke-nedge: hey thanks for typing that much, I'm glad you liked my story, I hope you read until the end, and well thanx for the comments, they made me really happy

Cherri-star: Hey thanks for the comment, thanx for reading and sending a review

Apelles: Yeah she thought this wasn't about her... big mistake, and Kaho is not crazy, just misunderstood (ha I tell my sister that all the time) anyway thanks for the comments and you're right they have to grown up

simplyxkitty: Thanx, i hope you keep reading and that you like this chapter too

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

When you killer talks to you, the whole process begins again. Denial, Fear, Regret, Acceptance.

He says, "I'll kill her."

Denial, fear, regret, acceptance.

Just do it already.

No, don't.

Denial, fear, regret, acceptance.

My eyes are still closed. This causes for much confusion when I hear another gun cock and someone say "Put down the gun."

Now wouldn't it be funny if Syaoran came to rescue me. Perfect ending don't you think?

In my head, Syaoran is blowing Gendo Mizuki away and taking me home. He puts me on my bed and heals my cheek. He's running his fingers through my hair, over my arms, he's waiting for me to fall asleep. In my head, Syaoran is sweet like this.

The voice is louder, it says, "Put down the goddamn gun."

The voice belongs to Touya.

My eyes fly open and I see Gendo Mizuki having some internal struggle. Touya is holding a shotgun to his chest. Gendo Mizuki is about to piss his pants.

I'm thinking: GO TOUYA!!!!

A shotgun, Touya looks like he's ready to go duck hunting.

Next to the shotgun, Barney looks like child's play.

Gendo Mizuki drops the gun to the ground and I pick it up. Touya instructs me on how to get the bullets out, and they go spraying to the floor, I pick them up and put them in my pocket.

I walk, no, I run behind Touya. He whispers to me, "My dad is going to be here soon."

He says, "We can stay and get bombarded with paperwork and questions, or we can go."

"What if he runs?" I ask.

He says, "They'll catch him."

So we go. Touya tells Gendo Mizuki that if he tries to leave, he'll shoot off his balls. We get into our cars and drive off, slowly. Halfway down the street I look behind me, bright lights and black and white cars are pulling up in front of Kaho's house.

I'm thinking: I almost died.

I almost died.

I almost died.

Over and over again.

This is over. God, this is finally over.

We park across the street from the Magic Blast, Syaoran's car is here. Me and Touya approach each other hesitantly. You have to remember that Touya has this thing about magicians, just the thought freaks him out.

He says, "I didn't tell anybody."

"How come?"

"Umm," He shrugs, "I don't know. I guess... I guess nobody needs to know."

Then I throw myself at him, I hug him, I'm saying "Thank you thank you thank you."

I say, "I almost died."

I'm thinking: I almost died.

He smiles, "You're welcome." Then he hesitates and looks at me funny, opening his mouth like he has something to say. He says, "So why didn't you just like, blast him or something?"

"Magicians don't work well under pressure."

"Well how about a demonstration?"

"Later, Touya."

Much, much later. I'm going to need to learn some pretty cool looking magic tricks.

We climb up onto my balcony and through the window we can see Syaoran and Kaho. She's still crying, he's got his arm around her.

It's not really that surprising you know, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, especially for Touya.

And I know I shouldn't be sad. I'm alive. But still, there's this melancholy, I've made a few decisions. It's going to be hard to let go, It's going to take time, but I can do it.

I can do it, 'cause I'm alive.

Syaoran and Kaho don't see us. Me and Touya sit on my balcony against the brick wall. It's so dark out and starting to cool down.

"Who do you think would win in a fight," Touya says, "Me or Syaoran."

I look at Touya sympathetically, "Probably Syaoran."

Disbelief passes over Touya's face, "Really? That sucks, I bet I could take him."

I smile, "I keep thinking of you with that shotgun, you were like, Commando: deer hunter style."

"Yea I was pretty badass wasn't I."

"Yea."

"Well," He slaps his hands against the floor, "I'd love to stay and watch that asshole mooch on my girlfriend but I think I'm gonna take off, make sure my dad got him, they're probably going to need to question Kaho and I."

He's hiding his pain.

"Ok," I say, "Thanks again Touya."

He gets up, "No problem. One more thing, are there other magicians, aren't there supposed to be two more?"

"It's just me," I say

He nods, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, you can show me some tricks." His head disappears as he goes down the ladder.

Wonderful.

So I sit here on my balcony. It's weird, after you almost die. Kind of hard to think. Everything has that shiny newness to it, like the whole world has been reborn.

I get up and walk to the window, open it up. I'm not even looking at them. "Don't mind me," I say, "Just wanted to get something."

I walk to my desk and pull out a stack of papers.

This is my future.

I go back outside and sit down on my lawn chair. I stare at the papers.

Here's the thing: all my complaining about this town, and I could have left the entire time.

With a swipe of a pen, I graduate high school. In a couple days, I'll get a diploma in the mail. I'm hoping to be gone before that, I'll have my parents mail it to me, wherever I end up.

"Sakura?"

I turn around and see that Syaoran is coming outside, Kaho is still sitting on the bed. He hesitates walking to me, he still looks pretty freaked out.

"What happened to your cheek?" He asks.

I say, "I got into a fight with a refrigerator and lost."

"Did something happen?"

"Nope."

He looks at the papers, "What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving Syaoran, hasta la vista Tomoeda."

His eyes widen, "Leaving Tomoeda?"

"Yessum."

"You can't just leave, what about school, what about your parents?"

"They'll deal."

"What about Yukito and Tomoyo?"

I shrug, "They'll come when they graduate." He looks concerned, maybe it's hard for him to lose a best buddy, we have been through a lot. I say, "I've wanted to get out of here for so long Syaoran, I need this, I need to start over."

I say, "Someone needs to take her down to the station, can you do it?"

He's grinding his jaw again, ever so slightly, thinking. He nods. He looks towards the ground.

"So," I say, "You and Kaho huh?"

His head whips around towards the window, "Uhhh, I guess."

I say, "Good for you, Syaoran."

And I mean this. He got what he wanted, good for him.

I walk towards the ladder and climb over onto the first rung, I say, "There's a party at Kaji's tomorrow, you guys should come."

He's looking at the floor, he says, "Yea, sure."

I wonder what his problem is.

Not my problem anymore.

I'm thinking, now get out of my room so I can take a shower.

I climb down the ladder and enter the Magic Blast through the front door. It's basically empty. Except for the woman who sits in the corner and Eriol and Meiling.

I walk into the back room and Tomoyo throws an apron at me, avoiding me with her eyes. She says, "You're three hours late for your shift, and Kaho didn't show up, so I figure you owe me."

I say, "My shift."

She opens her locker forcefully and pretends to rummage through it, probably so that she doesn't have to look at me, "Yea," she says, "Remember? Work? That thing we used to do together? The thing you get paid for? You were supposed to start at six."

I say, "Work."

I drop my apron. You can only put off crying for so long. I don't want to work right now, I want to take a goddamn shower.

Is this too much to ask.

I almost fucking died.

All I want is a shower.

Tomoyo slams her locker shut, still not looking at me, "Of course it doesn't even matter right now because we only have three customers, and two don't particularly like you very much, and who knows what the barking lady thinks of you so..." She glances at me, "Are you crying?"

This is the question that just makes you snap. I'm sure you know what I mean. You're crying a little bit and someone asks you if you're crying and the waterworks start flowing.

I'm shaking my head in the negative and I'm bawling now. And it feels. so. good.

Before I know it Tomoyo is right in front of me, pulling my head towards her shoulder, "Sakura what's wrong?"

I try to speak but it just comes out as this horrible sob. I figure I might as well not even try. I just close my eyes and push the tears out, they've been wanting to get out for so long now. I push it all out and away. Everything, the tears, the pain, all the blood I've seen. All the things I've never done that I get to do 'cause I'm alive. All the things I should have done that I'll handle differently in the future, starting now.

I say, "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, not understanding, "Is that why your crying?"

Then I laugh. I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

She's pulling back and looking at me like I've lost it.

Maybe I did lose it. I did, but then I found it.

So I sit her on the couch and I tell her. Not everything, but most of it. I tell her about Kaho, how Kaho was staying with me and why. I tell her how I didn't do anything. I tell her that when I did decide to do something I went to Kaho's house and got a gun in my face.

And thank god, she understands. She's sorry too, she says. She missed me so much. She's glad I'm not dead, she should have talked to me sooner.

We go back and forth like this, crying and reaffirming our friendship. I need this, badly. I need a best friend that I'm not obsessed with.

I ask her about Eriol and she says that they have this love hate relationship. She says he makes fun of her all the time but she thinks he secretly likes her.

I smile and say, "You know, Eriol's a magician."

She smiles back and says, "Yea Sakura, I know."

She doesn't really know. She's heard this a thousand times and doesn't believe me, she's just humoring me.

I knew she wasn't going to believe me, that's why I told her.

Tomoyo tucks me in bed, kissing me on the forehead.

It's so nice to have a best friend again.

"By the way," I say as she's about to close the door, "Your sister is a ho."

"You're just learning this? Hey, you going to that party tomorrow?"

I say, "Yea, I have a date with Kaji, were gonna get really high and play spin the bottle."

She laughs because she knows I'm joking, "Night Sakura."

"Night Tomoyo."

Then I go to bed, and I sleep.

And sleep.

And sleep.

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

"You didn't wear the red sweater."

Oh lord, he really thought he could tell me what to wear.

"It's a hundred degrees outside Kaji, anyway, I wore my special blue tank top just for you baby."

Hahaha.

The day after you almost die, you have a lot of fun. You joke with people a lot, every thing is just funny.

Kaji smirks, "I even got my haircut for you."

"Ok, a half an inch doesn't count as a haircut."

He shrugs, "Well, I could have snorted a line before I picked you up."

"Good, we wouldn't want your nose to rot out, now would we?"

Me and Kaji, we really hate each other, in that friendly sort of way.

We sit on his couch and watch the people file in and congregate by the keg.

I'm not thinking about Syaoran.

I swear.

Not even when he comes in, alone.

Not even when he sits next to me.

He says, "Hey." He's smiling like a goofball.

"Where's Kaho?"

He shrugs.

"What's your problem?" I ask.

"No problem."

"Okay…"

Kaji calls to me from across the room, "Sakura, you want a beer."

It wasn't a question.

"No I don't."

Syaoran lowers his eyebrows, "You're here with Kaji?"

"Not another word."

"So, he finally convinced you, huh?"

I smile, "Shut up Syaoran."

"Gonna have his love child?"

"SAVE IT."

Syaoran's smile fades and looks around the room nervously, "I need to talk to you."

Rika walks into the room assaulting Syaoran with her eyes. Figures. She dings a fork against an empty glass bottle of beer. "Who wants to play spin the bottle!? How bout it Syaoran?"

Syaoran looks at me, "Shall we?"

"You go ahead, go slip Rika some tongue, she'll like that."

"That's gross Sakura."

"Yea, well."

I'm all happy and jokey like this on the outside. On the inside, I'm just trying to breath. He didn't even ask me when I was leaving, he didn't even say goodbye or I'll miss your or anything.

He joins the rest of the group in the middle of the room. Yukito and Tomoyo are here, they wave at me and sit in the circle.

I wonder why he's even playing, Kaho isn't here.

Kaji joins me on the couch, "We should play."

"No we shouldn't."

"Yea," he says, "Maybe we should just cut the crap and go make out in the back room."

"That's not exactly what I meant."

He shrugs, "I had to try."

"Yea, and you just keep trying and trying and trying."

Kaji says, "I really, seriously, don't even have like a .000001 chance, do I?"

"Ummm..." I shake my head sympathetically, "probably not, I'm leaving in a couple days, plus you smell like weed."

He smiles, "Thanks!"

Ohhh boy.

So I sit here.

A group of my peers in a circle in front of me.

This is how it should be, you know. Everyone seems happy, and I'm happy for them.

So this is my last splash, my big goodbye.

I would like to be happy too.

Yukito spins the bottle, it lands on Tomoyo.

I am laughing, so hard right now.

Tomoyo gives me a dirty look and glances at Yukito uncomfortably.

"Make it good!" I scream from the couch.

They push their lips out as far as they can go and give each other a little peck.

"That sucked," I say, "I'm gonna need a do-over."

I'm really vocal tonight. I feel like I could do anything now that I'm leaving. I feel like starting a fight.

"Why don't you play Kinomoto," says Rika, "Afraid of your first kiss?"

I grab Kaji's bottle of beer, "Talk to me again and I throw this bottle at your head."

Whoa.

Don't know where that came from.

Syaoran is laughing.

Kaji grabs the bottle, "Don't throw that, it's mine."

I lean back and take a deep breath. Eriol spins the bottle, it lands on Tomoyo.

They kiss.

I wonder if Tomoyo will still want to leave after schools over.

Meiling spins the bottle, it lands on Yukito.

What a surprise.

They kiss.

It's Syaoran's turn and nobody knows why he's playing, including me. I don't know, maybe he's feeling invincible too, maybe he just wants to do something crazy.

This is really hard, you know. Trying to let go. This is pretty painful, but I don't want to think about that.

I should be happy, I'm alive.

Yea.

So he spins it.

And everyone wants to know, who will Syaoran kiss tonight?

And I'm not sure if I could care less, or if I need to know to survive.

Obsession is weird like that.

But you know all this, right?

You know it lands on me.

You know I say I'm not playing, twice.

You know that he looks at me, he looks me in the eye.

Right smack in the eye.

And my insides, they quiver, they shudder, they die. I didn't know it would be like this. I just sit here and breath, concentrate on breathing.

"Neither am I." Says Syaoran.

He might be speaking metaphorically, not playing games anymore. I'm wondering what game we were playing. He's not supposed to like me, this is not how things are supposed to go.

He's supposed to be with Kaho, that's who he wanted goddamit. This isn't supposed to happen.

I never thought this would happen, I never planned for this.

This isn't happening, this isn't real.

I look at Kaji, "Take me home."

Nobody really knows what's going on. I get up and walk outside, hoping Kaji is following.

I'm just trying to concentrate on walking to Kaji's car. Someone grabs my wrist and turns me around.

You know, sometimes everything stops spinning and everything points right at you.

And what the hell are you going to do about it.

Syaoran says, "Let me talk to you."

I say, "Talk."

"I don't want you to leave."

"Too bad."

"When are you leaving anyway?"

"Couple days."

He clenches his eyes, is that pain?

This can't be real. Syaoran has lost it.

"Sakura," he says, you can see his eyes getting all soft and mushy, "I have these... I feel... I've been think..."

"Spit it out."

He takes a deep breath, "I like you Sakura... you know.... in that… more than a friend kind of way."

Not happening.

"You like Kaho."

He shakes his head, "See that's the funny thing... I don't... at all. I dropped her off at Touya's house tonight, they made up."

"You've lost it."

The way he looks at you, you just can't breath. His voice, it's so breathy, so deep, you have to listen. "Sakura, I've been stupid, more than stupid. I've been an asshole to you. Touya told me what happened," He shakes his head, "I should have been there, you could have died."

My eyes are drying out. I can't even blink, they're going to fall right out of my head. "Syaoran, you are under a lot of stress right now, you need to sit down and think about what you are saying."

He says, "Don't leave."

"You're insane."

"I'm pouring my heart out here, will you please give me a break?"

"No."

He groans, he seems frustrated, "When are you coming back?"

"I don't know. This is over, this is supposed to be over, this isn't about me."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

I shake my head.

He says, "This is about you, Sakura, and this isn't over by a long shot."

I can't breath. I can't talk. What is happening here?

He says, "If you don't come back in a week, I will get in my car, and I will find you."

I try to say something but it comes out like a sort of squeaking noise. Kaji comes out holding his keys, "You ready to bail?"

I nod.

Syaoran says, "Sakura, you don't want to go home with Kaji, he's annoying."

Kaji says, "Hey!"

I take deep breaths, my voice comes out harsh and whispered, "What if I don't like you like that Syaoran, what then?"

He looks down and smiles, "You do."

"HUH?"

"I've known... for a while Sakura... I figured it out from the file, if it wasn't Touya, you know... who else would it be?"

My mouth, it's dropped to the floor now. I reach for the car door, I get in.

I can't even think.

I try, and it's just blank.

Just nothing and darkness.

Kaji takes me home.

I think about nothing.

All night.

It's Monday morning. I don't even remember the last couple of days, because I've been sitting here, doing nothing.

I haven't packed.

I haven't done anything.

So do you think I'm crazy? Think I'm stupid?

Well let me tell you something.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

I need you to close your eyes and imagine this for me. Do it.

Imagine yourself in a swimming pool, with Syaoran Li. Half naked, pressed up against his body.

Imagine his chest against yours and his breath on your neck.

Imagine his lips, imagine his tongue against your skin. Imagine his fingers playing with the back of your bra.

Think about what he wants to do to you. Think about what you want to do to him.

Do it.

Now, think about watching him watching someone else for years.

I repeat: years.

Think about him two weeks ago not being able to remember your name.

Do it.

And you try to tell me that this is real? You try to tell me that I should just believe him?

I'm not saying he's lying. Maybe he really does think he likes me. I think he's not seeing straight, I think he's irrational and impulsive.

Try to tell me I shouldn't be scared.

'Cause I am. I'm scared as hell.

I've been hurting a lot in the past few weeks you know, and I've dealt with it. But I don't want to get hurt by him.

I really don't want to get hurt by him.

I can't imaging being able to deal with that.

The phone is ringing now, it's Tomoyo, she's talking through a mouthful of yogurt.

She says, "Sheeesh girrl, Shhhhaoran Li hasha meeejer cush on yoo."

I say, "Huh?"

She swallows, "Syaoran Li, I went over to Meiling's house today and Syaoran like attacked me wanting to know where you went and if you're gone. He's all mopey and stuff, he's got it bad."

I say, "Oh."

"You should call him."

"Yea maybe."

I get off the phone with Tomoyo and immediately pick up the phone again.

I have to make a call.

I need to make a call.

"Dr. Reed this is Sakura."

"Hello Sakura."

"I need an appointment today."

"Well, I have an opening at 10."

"That'll be great...Oh, and Dr. Reed?"

"Yes Sakura?"

"I'm bringing a friend."

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

Long chapter… so what do you think??? Good, bad??? I should jump over a cliff??? Ok so send me some reviews and thanx for reading and you know what??? I'll see you in a couple of days!!!


	9. 9

I can't remember if I'm late or not... so let's make this quick… I want to thank:

watercircle: Thanx for your comments, yeah it was a different thing right?? I mean all the stories are like the moment is perfect and we are in love and all that… but no is not like that… so yeah Syaoran is more real I love him too, thanx for the reviews!!!

iaintnothinbutadreamer: yeah i was a big fan i was a dreamer too so yeah is kind of like that, web Thanx for the review!!

simplyxkitty: Thanx (blushes) i hope you like this chapter too!!!

random person: Thanx for the review I really appreciate it

Peaceful Angel: Thanx for the review!!!

Kikimaru: Yeah, he and Sakura are a little ooc right??? Well I hope you like this chapter too!!!

Apelles: Ok loose ends... there are a lot so is going to take a few more chapters but I think in this chapter I explain some things… well thanx for the review!!!

Vampire Wolverine: Really??? I was going to make him obsessed with Tomoyo, but it was a lot of work and well I like Kaho better in that place… thanx for the review!!!

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

There's no place like home.

That's the sign over Syaoran's front door.

You know the sign. You've seen it before. Lots of people have them, or something along the same lines. It's made out of imperfectly cut wood. It almost always has some sort of picture painted on it, it's almost always fading.  
A heart maybe, or a teddy bear, or some fat little naked cherubs. Syaoran's has a picture of a house, a red and blue house you imagine seeing somewhere in the backwoods of America. The words are printed onto a painted scroll that unfurls underneath the little house.

There's no place like home.

It looks handmade, like somebody's grandmother made it. But you've seen them so often you just know they have to be mass produced. I imagine a warehouse full of peoples grandmothers, row after row of grannies. Little grannies with cushy chairs and ergonomic desks, their paint supplies spread out before them. I imagine this all takes place somewhere near the north pole.

And my father says my generation has no imagination.

Yeah. The elves cut the wood, they send it to the grannies. On the wood, the grannies paint happy pictures. They paint tidy little statements about life that they've learned throughout the years. Life instructions. They don't always say the same thing. Sometimes you see them in peoples kitchens.

Sometimes they say:

Kiss the cook.

Home is where the heart is.

God bless this house.

There's no place like home.

I look down the street at the rest of the houses. The ones that somebody tried to make different from this particular house, and failed. There's no place like home my ass.

There's plenty of places like home.

That's what mine would say.

I ring the doorbell and Syaoran's mom answers.

She says, "Sakura! What a surprise! I thought you were leaving!"

She's doing the secret mom smile. The kind of smile moms get when their children have been talking about someone all weekend and then they see that person. She's also got the secret mom look, it's kind of evaluative.

Moms can do this sort of thing, you know, it's a secret mom power. She's looking me up and down and right through me, in a friendly way. You just know what she's thinking.

Let's see if this person is good enough for my son.

I'm thinking not.

Pathological liars aren't exactly the kind of people you want to bring home to Mom and Dad.

"Do you want some breakfast," she says with her secret smile, "There's still a few pancakes left."

Her generosity amazes me. She reminds me of my grandmother. I say, "Thank you, but I already ate."

That's the thing about people offering me food. I live above a restaurant, food is unlimited to me, I could never go hungry.

"Syaoran is upstairs," she says.

I wonder if she knows that they are magicians. Knowing Syaoran, probably not. He's probably too afraid to tell her.

I make my way up the carpet covered stairs, into the dark hallway. They must be saving energy, courtesy of the power crisis.

I knock on Syaoran's door. Heart pounding 'cause I know he's going to be testing my ability to breath and talk today. I have this whole plan though, I'll just try to treat him how I normally would, see if he realizes how stupid he's being.

He says, "What is it?"

I say, "Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?"

I hear a few soft steps behind the doorway. The door cracks open and he looks through with his eye. He says, "Holy shit."

"I take that as a no?"

He smiles. It's different when he smiles and he's looking right at you. He never shows his teeth, you know. Just a shy smile that he's always reserved for Kaho. "You didn't leave."

I say, "Not yet, go somewhere with me."

"Where?"

"If I tell you, you won't go."

"Yea I will."

I say, "Jupiter."

I regret saying that immediately. I just implied that I wanted to go alone with him to another planet, how freaking romantic, I was just trying to think of something farfetched.

He opens his door wider, "Okay...? Let me put on some shoes."

I walk into his room and over to his bookcase. I like looking at his books. I skim my fingers over some of the titles. Near the bottom of his bookcase are his older books, spines wearing off from wear and tear, pages falling out. I reach a copy of Romeo and Juliet and laugh, such irony. I pull out the copy and flip through the pages.

Syaoran glances over, he says, "Good book."

I laugh incredulously, "You're kidding, right?"

"I thought it was your favorite."

I slam the little paperback shut, "Who told you that?"

"Tomoyo."

I hold it up, "This was my favorite book four years ago, not anymore."

"Well what happened?"

"I read it for the tragedy that it was."

I cringe inside, do I even dare to go here?

He says, "It's not that sad... I mean, it's sad, cause they have to die, but at least they do it together."

Yes, I dare go here, such a perfect analogy.

I say, "They kill themselves for no reason, their love was an impulse, Romeo was addicted to being in love."

He looks at me in confusion and drops his shoelaces, "How so?"

"Rosaline."

"Rosaline?"

"You have to pay attention to the first few pages, Syaoran," I say, "Puts the whole story into perspective."

I could debate Romeo and Juliet all day, I'm a pro at this.

I continue, "The first two scenes in act one, Romeo is going on and on about a girl. But is it Juliet? Nope. It's Rosaline, Syaoran. Romeo is ready to drive off a cliff because Rosaline is getting married to someone else, couple scenes later, he's only got eyes for Juliet."

I say, "Sound familiar?"

"He was addicted to love," I say, "He was impulsive. If Juliet had died and he didn't, he probably would have gotten over her in the next couple of scenes."

And the tension is so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

Syaoran expression becomes serious, "No he wouldn't."

"Yea, he would."

He says, "This is different."

"Sounds the same to me."

"Sakura," he says, "Romeo wasn't a magician."

"No," I say, "He was a Montague."

I'm thinking, so there.

He shakes his head and finishes tying his shoelaces, he stands up and faces me next to the bookcase.

He says, "Maybe Romeo chose to be in love with Rosaline because she was getting married. Maybe he did this because he didn't think he was worthy enough to be loved by anyone. Maybe," he says, "Juliet showed him he was wrong."

I shake my head, "None of this is implied in the book."

"Screw the book."

I look at my watch, 9:45, "It's time to go."

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Syaoran says, "We're going to therapy?"

I nod.

He says, "Cool."

We pull into a parking spot and walk through the glass doors to the front desk. The receptionist tells us that Dr. Reed will be in, in a moment, to go sit in his office.

So we go.

It's bright and sunny in the office, and quiet. The only thing you can hear is the tick tock of the clock. I sit down in one of the fluffy armchairs and Syaoran walks around the room. He turns around the globe on Dr. Reed's desk.

I know why he did this because I've done it before. See, Dr. Reed has a place for everything, a position for everything. Psychologists are like this. There's like a manual that tells them how to decorate their rooms so that they have the right environment for therapy. There are stack and stacks of books, and a big cherry wood desk, these imply power. The therapist always has to be in a position of power.

It would be safe to say that I've thrown off the power differential on a number of occasions, really freaks Dr. Reed out.

Syaoran turns around one of the pictures on his desk.

I say, "You're mean."

"You know you've done it."

I shrug and pick up the little skeleton.

I say, "Do you think he hates us?"

He settles down on an armchair, "Nah."

"If I was him, I would hate us."

I make the little skeleton fall and get back up again. I say, "I want this."

Syaoran nods.

"I've never stolen anything before."

"Maybe you should ask."

"Yea, it's my last session and all, he'll probably give it to me."

He frowns, "Sakura, don't leave."

"Umm..."

"Stay a couple more weeks, four months and schools over, you can take another four months."

"That's what you think."

"You're not even giving me a chance."

The door opens, Dr. Reed is more than surprised. He just stands there, mouth open slightly. He says, "Syaoran, Sakura, what a nice... surprise."

He hates us.

I hold up the skeleton, "Can I have this, this is our last session."

Syaoran groans.

Dr. Reed says, "What??"

I put the skeleton in my pocket, right next to the magician.

Now they get to live happily ever after in my linty pocket.

Syaoran says, "I like Sakura, she doesn't believe me, she's going to leave."

Dr. Reed sits down and smiles, "You like Sakura?"

Syaoran glances at me, "Yeah"

I say, "This can be explained."

I pull out a piece of paper from my pocket and begin to read. I say, "Number one, I found out his secret and I didn't tell anybody."

Syaoran says, "You made a list?"

"Hush. Number two, I still accepted him as a friend after I knew the secret."

Syaoran looks at Dr. Reed, "Is that a bad reason to like her?"

Dr. Reed raises his eyebrows and shakes his head. He says, "I think..."

"I'm not done. Number three, somebody found out the secret and I took the blame, well not really the blame, you know what I mean. Number four, he knows that I.... have.... that I..... l-l, l-like him."

Syaoran smiles.

Dr. Reed says, "Well why don't we..."

"Number five, I almost died saving the life of his object of affection."

Syaoran says, "Sakura, she's not..."

Dr. Reed says, "You almost died?"

"Under the circumstances, including that I'm leaving," I say, "It is understandable that he might be having certain unexplainable, fleeting, feelings for his new best buddy that happens to know his secret, that happens not to care, and so on, and so forth, thank you very much."

I fold the paper back up and put it into my pocket.

Syaoran says, "Unexplainable and fleeting my ass."

Dr. Reed says, "Syaoran, I think you should..."

I say, "He doesn't know what he wants."

"I know exactly what I want."

Dr. Reed says, "Well how about we..."

"Your feelings are superficial."

"Sakura, all that stuff just shows what kind of person you are, but that's not the only reason I like you."

Dr. Reed says, "Syaoran, Sakura, you really shouldn't...."

"Two weeks ago, you couldn't even remember my name."

"I was an idiot."

Dr. Reed holds up his hands, "Fine, don't listen to me, I'm just the therapist"

"You'll get sick of me, you'll forget about me."

"I will not"

Dr. Reed says, "I mean, why listen to the therapist, what does he know?"

"You got sick of Kaho, you forgot about Kaho."

"I never felt like this about Kaho, I didn't forget about her."

Dr. Reed says, "Why don't I just give you two my license and you can sit in here and bicker all day. Did somebody move my globe? Who moved my globe?"

"How am I supposed to believe you?"

"You give me a chance, that's how."

"Who moved my picture?"

"I want out of here."

"I can prove all this to you, but not if you leave."

"ENOUGH!!!!" Dr. Reed screams.

"WHO MOVED MY PICTURE?"

Me and Syaoran point at each other.

Dr. Reed nods, "I am very disappointed in both of you."

Me and Syaoran cower under Dr. Reed's glare.

"Listen to yourselves, you sound like kindergartners."

I lean forward, "You want to know Syaoran's secret Dr. Reed?"

Syaoran's and Dr. Reed's eyes fly wide open.

"He still listens to New Kids on the Block, has all their albums."

Syaoran smiles, "SHHHHHHHH, it's a secret."

"I caught him doing the running man in his room in the dark."

Dr. Reed says, "Unless you feel like getting serious, you can leave." 

"That's illegal, you can't bail on a patient."

"I can if I feel the patient can no longer be helped by me."

HUH?

No way.

Dr. Reed can't bail on me.

Is this true?

I flip through the psychology field guide in my head.

Dr. Reed looks at my sympathetically, "Will you please listen to me?" 

"Yeah"

He glances at Syaoran, "I talked to Syaoran last week, and I believe that him liking you is a healthy prospect."

I say, "Healthy?"

Syaoran smiles in satisfaction.

"However, Xiao Lang, perhaps you may have realized this too late."

Syaoran says, "Too late?"

"If Sakura wants to leave, you can't make her stay."

Inside, I get this feeling. That sinking feeling, that rollercoaster sinking feeling.

I want him to make me say.

I want him to lock me in his closet and make me stay.

Am I actually thinking this?

No.

No, I'm not.

I hate it here.

There's plenty of places like home.

The timing, it's just so wrong.

Dr. Reed says, "If we had more time, we could work on this together, but as of now, I don't think I can help you two any further."

Syaoran's eyes fly to the floor, he gets up and leaves. I follow, he has the car.

Dr. Reed says, "So was this our last session Sakura?"

I stutter, "I don't... can I... how about... I don't know."

I run to catch up with Syaoran. We get into his car. I wish he would stop acting so sad.

He says, "You're skipping town and I'm the impulsive one."

Not gonna cry.

He puts the car into drive, "That sucks Sakura, that just sucks."

He pulls out of the parking lot, "I know this is my fault, but you're not even giving me an inch to work with."

I put my hand in my pocket and listen to the magician fall apart and get back together.

Syaoran turns the wrong way on Fiery street.

He says, "If you didn't want to get out of here so bad, would you give me a chance?"

"Huh?"

"Even the slightest chance?"

"Where are you going?"

"Would you?"

"Yea, I would."

Syaoran nods.

"Where are you going?"

"It's a surprise."

Huh?

This is what's going through my head, over and over: Huh?

I say, "You're heading towards the highway."

He says, "yeah"

huh?

"Where are you going."

He says, "We're getting you out of here."

huh?

"Huh?"

"You wanted to get out of here, you're getting out of here, I can't make you stay, so we're getting out of here."

"Umm..."

"I can't give up right now, Sakura, there's too much I have to say."

"You're kidnapping me."

"Three days, just give me three days."

"You're a kidnapper."

Syaoran is kidnapping me.

"I am not."

"Where are we going."

"We're going to the poppy fields."

"Fukuoka?"

Syaoran is kidnapping me.

"Three days."

"You're insane."

"Nope."

"This is illegal."

Syaoran swallows, "I'll take you home, if you want, I'll turn right around."

"Huh?"

"Come with me, just let me talk to you, give me three days."

Oh.

My.

God.

"So how about it Sakura? We'll have fun, I promise."

Oh god. Oh god oh god.

"How about this, if you don't tell me to turn around in the next two minutes, I'll just keep driving, alright?"

"Huh?"

"Two minutes."

"What has gotten into you, you're not like this."

He shakes his head, "I don't know, I think this is a panic thing."

He says, "Go with me."

I say, "I wanted to see the poppy fields, I was thinking that when I almost died."

"Go with me then."

"I don't know."

"If the world explodes tomorrow, you'll never get to see the poppy fields, so go with me."

I'm thinking, I almost died.

I'm thinking, he might like me, he might really really like me.

I close my eyes, this is scary, this is beyond scary.

And I say: "Ok."

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

Poor Dr Reed, I'll hate to be in his shoes… so we're nearing the end, well we're not that near but almost… so yeah I guess I'll see you before Saturday ok??? Maybe Friday night or something like that… ok see ya!!! Remember to review!!!


	10. 10

Have any of you realized that i'm always late??? Well I'm sorry I was out of town… long story so ok this is a long chapter and I hope is good ok???

So I want to thank…

watercircle: ja that's ok i do the same thing, i check it like 10 times, hey I love Hamlet too I can read it a thousand times if you ask me, I loved the movie too, I love shakespeare I think is a great writer… and you're right I'm trying to pay more attention but we all make mistakes right??? Well I hope you like this chapter too, thanx for the review!!

vampire wolverine: Thanx for the review and for putting me in your favorites I just hope I wasn't the cause of your sleep deprivation… well I hope you like this chapter too

Ange Noir: Well you were reminded of it because it is like that... the original that's it… you know what?? I loved your reviews I don't think I hate you and you're right thanks to you I have more reviews… I think that's cheating but what the hell right?? An I love the comment of nowhere and yeah life's a killer, well thanx for all the reviews!!

Apelles: Yeah it was short i think this is larger than the other but well.. oh and she's really depressed… and maybe a little insane, who knows? Well thanx for the review and the comments

NehoMiko: Thanx!! I just hope you like this chapter too, thanx for the review!!!

Karla: Thanx, and it's Syaoran but no worries everyone call him like they want… so thanx for reading and for sending a review, I hope you like this chapter too!!!

AFAN: Thanx… I was going to write more thanx but well I'm lazy… so thanx for the review and thanx for reading I hope you keep reading ok??? Thanx!!!

TOFU: Well I'm not that great but thanx… I hope you like this chapter too!!!

Janey: Yeah they are all crazy, specially Sakura but I love her attitude… well thanx for the review!!!

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--

Spin.

Lots of things spin.

Rollercoasters, lives, minds, bottles.

Right now, what happens to be spinning is the wheels on Syaoran's car as he quasi-kidnaps me.

Of course, I'm a willing participant, but that doesn't make it any less scary. I don't know how fast or slow I want this to go. I don't know what he has to say in order to make me stay in Tomoeda.

He's sweet, you know, like he is in my diluted little fantasies. But it's different in real life. I don't know how to be the center of someone's attention. I have no clue how to take a compliment other than to refute or deny it. I didn't know what he saw in Kaho and I equally don't know what he sees in me. And while I would love to know all this, there's no way in hell I'm going to ask.

This isn't a self-esteem thing, I don't think. I know I don't look like a wild beast and maybe I'm fun to be around and yeah, I saved his ass a couple times.

But why me, and why here and why now. Was I just in the right place at the right time?

He's quiet now as we drive past the outskirts of Tomoeda. His gaze steadied on the road ahead of us. He's got that look, you know the one, the quiet, contemplative, stoic one that drives all the girls crazy. The one you would pay millions of dollars for just for a peek inside.

This is how he usually is in the Magic Blast, and at school. I actually have seen him laugh and smile and be evil, that was a rare thing. But I was his best friend, I guess it just came along with the territory.

"Having second thoughts?" I ask.

He glances at me stubbornly, "No, are you?"

"If you are you can turn around, I won't say a thing, It's still not too late."

He shakes his head, "I'm not turning around, I'm just thinking about where I should start. And try as you might, you're not gonna convince me that I don't like you."

"Where you should start what?"

"Apologizing."

We get on the highway.

He shifts into a higher gear and his arm pushes a little out of his shirt. His arms, there's something about his arms, you know, like you just wanna bite 'em. 

When did I become such a girly girl?

He smiles and says, "I've never groveled before, I've never even come close."

"Well please don't start on my account."

He glances at me doubtfully, "I have a feeling you're not gonna let me off easily."

I look out the window, "Let you off. Consider yourself let off."

"Why are you so uncomfortable?"

"I'm not."

"Sakura, you're sitting as far away from me as you can."

He's right, I'm plastered against the door.

He says, "I hate this."

"Hate what?"

"I hate feeling like some perverted kidnapper."

"That's a second thought, turn around."

I know, I know: Get with the picture Sakura, be the cute little girlfriend we all know you can be.

Syaoran takes a hand from the steering wheel and slides it down his face, "I am not having second thoughts, you're not being yourself, you're closing off."

"Maybe that's just the way I am."

He shakes his head, "That's not the way you were with me."

It's one of those statements that you know is right, so you just shut up.

He pulls off the highway, "We need gas."

I fish the little skeleton and magician out of my pocket. This is us you know, almost. Syaoran is the magician, this is his secret, this is why he punishes himself. I'm not the skeleton yet, I could be. First I have to expose myself, right down to the bone. Put all my secrets on display for him to see like he has with me.

Skeletons have no secrets, they tell no lies, they can't close themselves off. Exposure, they have no places to hide anything. Me? I have plenty.

Syaoran returns with a huge bag of who knows what.

He sifts through the bag and says, "We've got water, soda, Cornuts, ummmm... chocolate? Gum..."

"What kind of chocolate."

"M&M's" he says pulling out the little brown bag.

"OOHH." I reach for it but he pulls away.

He says, "First, you have to promise to be nice."

"My chocolate."

"You're not big on sharing, are you?"

I smile, "Mine."

He rolls his eyes, "Fine, fine. Today it's chocolate, tomorrow you'll be wanting my car, my house."

I say, "Your money."

He nods, "My money."

"Your book collection."

"You're ruthless."

"Don't I know it."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe I just flirted with Syaoran Li.

That doesn't mean I'm ready to let everything go just yet.

He pumps the gas and we get back on the highway. I don't know, call it self-punishment, but there are certain things I need to know.

"So did you and Kaho get it on?"

I see a slight frown pass over his face, leave it to me to ruin a perfect best buddy moment.

He says, "No... we just…"

"Made out a lot?"

He shifts in his seat uncomfortably.

I say, "Dry humping, groping?"

"Sakura."

"You did not have sexual relations with that woman."

"Stop it."

"Sure you didn't, President Li."

"We kissed."

"Where?"

"Where?"

"Yeah, where?"

"Ummm... at my house?"

"That's not what I meant, I'm talking body parts here."

"Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, wait a second, Sakura, we kissed, there was no removed clothing."

"Oh." I say, "What about wandering hands?"

"There was no groping."

"You know, I made out with Kaji."

"You did?"

"Yea, you're jealous?"

He raises his eyebrows, " Yes!"

"I'm just kidding."

"Oh.... good."

I nod.

He nods.

We drive.

"What are you going to tell your parents?" I ask.

He shrugs, "I don't know yet, you?"

"I'm gonna tell them to call the cops, I've been kidnapped."

"You're having fun and you know it."

"Possibly. I'll just say I went camping, they don't care, I was about to move out anyway. You're missing school."

"Three days, big deal."

"That's very delinquent of you."

"Where should we stay?"

"Stay?"

"Yeah, tonight."

"Stay the night?"

He says, "The middle of Tokyo is about halfway, we might want to go a little further than that."

I say, "In a hotel?"

"Yeah"

"Together?"

He smiles, "Well I was thinking maybe I could get a room and you could sleep in the car."

I say, "Good idea."

"This is fun."

"Yeah, so don't ruin it."

"Let me apologize."

"Knock yourself out."

"Don't freak out."

"Who, me?"

Inside, my stomach is doing a kickflip 180 double ollie nosegrind.

He takes a deep, shaky breath. The kind that people take when they're about to say something big.

He says, "I've never had... so much fun... with anyone... in my entire life." He looks out the window, that's what people do when they're giving out a big dose of truth. "I mean... you knew about me... god this is embarrassing."

"Then stop."

"I didn't plan this either, ok? But I like you Sakura, in that scary, nervous, I-hope-you-forgive-me-soon kind of way."

I swallow.

"And Kaho, she doesn't even compare, Sakura. I mean, she's nice and pretty and all but you... you... I don't even... know how to describe it. When I was in that pool with you... I was so..."

"Horny?"

GAH. I just can't keep my stupid mouth shut.

He smiles, "Well that too. I was confused. You read the file Sakura, Kaho was nothing but an unhealthy preoccupation. And it took me... way too long... to realize how... amazing you were. And then you almost died and... and then you saved me."

He glances at me, "You saved me from everything Sakura. So forgive me already, cause this friendship thing? It's great and everything but it's really not satisfying my needs here."

"Your needs being?"

"You."

I close my eyes because I'm getting chills now. The lingering kind that won't go away, and when they do go away another one comes.

I say, "She has purple bras."

"Huh?"

"Kaho has purple lace bras."

"Ummm... ok."

"Mine are white."

He laughs.

I say, "Cotton to be exact, is that going to be a problem?"

"Well," he says, "You could just show me and we can get this matter cleared up immediately."

"Very funny."

"We went from apologizing to talking about your underwear, so pardon me if I have a hard time concentrating."

Syaoran is having sexual thoughts about you truly. If the earth opened up and swallowed me whole, I wouldn't be surprised.

I say, "Are you always this honest."

"I'm never this honest, ever."

I close my eyes and listen to the hum of the engine. In the rear view mirror, I can see the wheel spinning around and around. Maybe fantasies and love from afar aren't so great after all. They're less scary, but there not so great. I just hope I can get my foot out of my mouth long enough to let myself be happy. 

"Maybe I should be honest too."

"That would be nice."

I say, "Let's get to the hotel first."

He nods.

I say, "I lie a lot."

"I know."

"It's getting kind of old."

He says, "Ok."

I say, "Wanna hear a teensy weensy secret?"

"Yea."

"Promise you won't get mad."

"I promise."

"I told Rei Ayanami you were gay."

This is what he does: Not a damn thing.

His eyes are motionless, steadied on the broken yellow line as it disappears underneath the car. The corners of his lips turn upwards slightly.

I say, "I'm serious."

I'm hoping he can handle this, there is more brutal honesty to come later, scores of it, washloads of it.

He nods in that non-chalont way people nod when they're talking about the weather. His fingers tap against the steering wheel. He says, "That's ok, I told her you were a lesbian."

"WHAT?"

"Yep, you and Kaho," he laughs, "You should have seen her face, I think she has a thing for you."

I set my face in stone, "I guess I can understand, she was so heartbroken when she heard you were gay. By the way, you're wearing her favorite shirt."

He looks at me, "You're mad because I beat you at your own game."

"In no way, shape, or form could you ever beat me at lying," I say, "You're mean."

"Me? Not only did everyone think I was trying to steal Kaho from Touya, then they think I'm gay. I probably don't have to tell you that Touya's jock friends don't hold me in high regard," He says, "I'm a hate crime magnet, if someone eggs my house, you have to clean it up."

I say, "Keep wishing."

"Can I have a M&M?"

"My chocolate."

"Share!"

"What color."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does."

"Umm… okay... red."

I hand him a red M&M and pull a green one out of the bag for myself, holding it up. "You know," I say, "It's scientifically proven that green M&M's make you horny."

He says, "Eat up."

"When did you become such a guy?"

"When you started talking about your underwear and horniness out of nowhere. Your head is in the gutter too, Kinomoto."

"Just making polite conversation, Li"

He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

I say, "So lets go to some hotel and hump like rabbits."

"That's not what this is about and you know it."

"Well, what are we going to do? Hold hands all night?"

"Sounds good to me, we haven't even kissed yet."

"How incredibly chaste of you."

"Fine," he says, "You wanna hump like rabbits? We'll hump like rabbits."

I say, "We've kissed."

"No Sakura, we didn't kiss, I kissed, you just stood there." In his voice, I have to wonder if that's disappointment. And the way he's gazing out the window, I have to wonder if he's reliving that moment.

I am.

I wonder if he can see this from my perspective. I told him he should wait for Kaho and he apologized. He apologized for kissing me, and he wonders why I didn't kiss him back.

You're not supposed to kiss people when you're confused like that. It isn't fair, he's not being fair to me.

I'm not being fair to him because I'm not telling him all of this.

I say, "It didn't feel right."

He doesn't look at me, just keeps gazing out the window and nods his head.

I say, "I was kidding about the rabbits."

"I know."

Another kind of lie is when you only tell half of the story. If I were to tell him the whole story, I would say that holding hands all night sounds good to me too. Instead, I joke about sex.

Rationalization: You're about to spend the night in a hotel room, alone, with the object of your obsession. The prospect of having sexual intercourse is one that causes much anxiety. so what do you do? You joke about it, pretend you don't care. That's what.

I could tell him all this. I should. But not here, a moving vehicle is a shotty place for resolution. Plus, there's nowhere to hide. Not me, mind you, but him, there's nowhere for him to hide. He might not like what I have to say, you know. And I have an awful lot to say.

I have an awful lot to change.

I say, "We're getting further away."

"From where?"

"From Tomoeda."

From safety, Syaoran. Tomoeda is secrets and lies. Lies are safety. Truth is exposure. Truth is standing naked on a pedestal.

He thinks that this is what I want.

He think I actually know what I want.

He thinks he's saving me from Tomoeda, but he's saving me from myself.

Syaoran says, "We have a long way to go."

He doesn't know how right he is.

He says, "You should go to sleep, It'll seem faster."

---------------------------------

In a car, your never really asleep. You're in limbo, the place between heaven and hell, the place between awake and asleep. Your teetering on all sorts of gaps and chasms and edges. Your eyes are closed, and you hear every song that comes on the radio, but your brain just isn't completely there. Every time you open your eyes you see the sun has gone down just a little bit more and you wonder how long your eyes have been closed. Every time you open your eyes, you see a desert, but the desert is always morphing into a different kind of desert.

You open your eyes and you see desert chaos. Rocks pointing accusingly to the sky. Canyons sinking guiltily into the ground. so many holes and corners and shadows for secrets to crawl under.

Even nature has something to hide.

On the radio, Jimmy Buffet is singing "Lets get drunk and screw."

Syaoran says, "You awake? Do you hear this song? It's insane, they've played it three times in the past two hours."

I roll my neck to the side and try to say something. He grins at me and whispers, "Go back to sleep." He touches my hand. I wish that I wasn't half asleep so that I could feel it. He says, "Close your eyes."

Limbo. You keep opening your eyes and seeing desert confusion. You keep opening your eyes because you want to see what kind of desert you'll be in next. Deserts are like people, you know, or snowflakes, no two are the same. You open your eyes and you see fat deserts and skinny deserts, deserts with trees and deserts with mountains. Naked deserts. Deserts without buildings for miles and miles and some lined with gas stations.

Deserts with one little house in the middle of nowhere and you just know that the person that lives there is either dead or psycho. Deserts with fences that have bones hanging off of them, making you wonder what kind of sick people go looking for dead animal bones to hang on fences.

Bones, skeletons. Heaven help me, give me something beautiful to look at. You open your eyes and you see roadkill. You open your eyes and you see cows that will be sent to the slaughterhouse when they're fat enough. Blood has been my best friend for the past two weeks, blood and Syaoran Li.

Show me a flower, Syaoran. Show me your poppy field. I'm not a girly girl, I just want to see something alive and breathing.

You open your eyes and Johnny Cash is singing "Burning ring of fire." You wonder what the song is really about, anyway. Syaoran wants to know if I have to go to the bathroom.

You open your eyes and Patsy Cline is singing "Crazy." You notice how late and dark it's getting. The desert has morphed once again, you can see this because of the moonlight. In the desert, the moon has nowhere to hide. The desert is completely flat, no cracks or crevices, no secrets or lies, completely exposed. This is the kind of fear you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror, mentally naked, emotionally naked.

Face your future, Sakura Kinomoto, save yourself from whatever. Let him help you, you helped him.

I used to have this theory: Why live in the world when you can live in your head.

I wanted to hate him so badly. I wanted to blame him for sending Tomoeda to hell in a hand basket. I never could, you know, because I never really hated Tomoeda. It was my safety, my haven, my excuse, my big fake problem.

And Syaoran, he's not just some guy, not just some magician. There's something you can see in his eyes when he's not paying attention to anything. Something that tells you he can understand things, he might understand you. If he would just look at you in the eye.

I never wanted him to know that I kept his secret, or that I almost died. I just wanted him to stop punishing himself, so much of him is wasted on punishing himself. I wanted him to be happy, with Kaho if that's what it took. I would just stand on the sidelines and observe, live in my head.

But it doesn't work like that. I know that now because of stupid things like the skeleton exposed in my pocket and the exposed desert outside my window. The situation is defining itself. The exposed hotel in the middle of the exposed desert is my forum. This is where I show myself to him, stop lying to myself, fix myself.

This is where I realize that this, this - whatever this is, this is about me.

I thought that the climax of my life was a gun in my face.

And I couldn't have been more wrong.

------------------------------------

From the outside, the hotel is disgusting. Desert culture, deserts aren't places that you visit, they're places you pass through to get from one place to another. Specifically, desert culture means truck drivers. And not to put down truck drivers but they're not the cleanest people in the world. I can only imagine how lovely the room will be. It's ok though, I'm not a princess. If I can handle blood and bones then I can handle a little dirt.

Syaoran pulls into the lot and lazily shifts the car into park. He's tired, so tired he can barely keep his eyes open. He's been driving for more hours than you can count on two hands.

I say, "I'm sorry I made you drive the whole way, I'll drive home."

He looks at me through his half closed eyes, "You don't know how to drive a stick shift."

"It's a sixteen hour drive, I'll learn."

"Sounds dangerous."

"Yeah, but you're danger-boy, you laugh in the face of danger."

"Good point."

The hotel room is my future, eyes on the prize, no pain, no gain. In situations like this, motivational cliches rule your mind. It's funny, you know, he thinks I 'like' him. I like him - yea right - like this is some schoolyard, chocolate box, puppy love type deal.

It's not. It's dirtier and darker and deeper than that.

This is the kind of thing they don't even make a word for because it's too scary to talk about.

I say, "So we should... go get a room."

He says, "We? You're sleeping in the car, cootie girl, remember?"

If I wasn't holding all of this stuff inside I could be having fun right now.

He says, "Maybe if I'm feeling nice enough I'll bring you a blanket, knock if you need anything, I reserved room 318 at the last gas station." He crawls out of the car, "Got it?"

I smile weakly as he shuts the door. I stay here, staring at my shaking hands.

I'm crazy-psycho obsessed with you Syaoran Li. I don't know if guys like to hear this sort of thing.

My door opens and Syaoran is pulling me out of the car with his arm around my waist. His palm is pressing against my stomach. How am I feeling?

He's touching my stomach, how the hell do you think I'm feeling?

He has no problem picking me up with one arm, he sets me down and puts his arm around my shoulders, we start walking to the lobby.

I say, "What about my cooties?"

He says, "I got lonely. Anyway, girl cooties got nothing on magician blasting powers."

We pick up the key from the tired looking motel worker, poor guy. We make our way to the room. Two double beds.

He lays down on one of the beds, I'm still trying to get through the door.

Why? Because this is where I'm going to stop lying to him.

He says, "Come here."

I walk over and stand by the bed, the ugly room isn't registering in my head, nothing is.

I say, "We should talk."

He frowns at me, "Sakura, talking sucks, we've been talking for the last fourteen hours."

"This isn't the kind of stuff you talk about in the car."

He looks at me. Me having a nervous breakdown and not hiding it very well. Me being very serious. He says, "What is it?"

I'm neurotic, that's what it is.

I say, "Do you want to know what I've been thinking about for the past couple of weeks."

"Of course."

"Do you want to know... what I think... about you?"

The look on his face, he's beginning to understand what this all means. He says, "Yea."

---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/---/

Long chapter... so we're heading to the poppy fields, and also the end... well I'll see you soon ok??? Maybe the day after tomorrow (I loved that movie ja!) well ok that's all… see ya!!!


	11. 11

I'm like weeks late... so I'm sorry ok… well let me explain something have you ever watched roswell? It was a really good show, so the original was a fic for that show, I put this 'cause there are some things in this chapter and in the next that are from that universe and not from Sakura cc so yeah I just wanted to explain that… now let's thank the wonderful people that send me some reviews…

TOFU: Sorry for the late update but Thanx a lot for the comments!

watercircle: Sorry but no sequels, but i do have some ideas in my head, i just have to put them together... I just love your reviews you know? And I'm really sorry for the late update but well school is terrible and all that so yeah, I'm sorry and I hope you like how Sakura explains her crazy feelings

Sasuka Miroka: Yeah i hate dentists but i'm glad i wasn't the reason, i love Syaoran a lot, the original version is really funny, him blushing and all that... well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review!

Ange Noir: An i just love the ending of this chapter... and yeah I'm always late we should really go there and maybe I can marry Syaoran… or maybe Sakura can kill me for that… well it doesn't matter… I loved the review by the way!

RayeBBG: Hey Thanx for the comments, i'm glad you liked it... and well thanx for staying after curfew… I hope you were not in problems… well I hope you like this chapter!

Apelles: And that just made my day... you didn't complain so I'm guessing I'm getting good at this… but let just say that Sakura is the one that is going to have a big surprise… just not in this chapter… or I don't know… well thanx for the review!

Wind and Flame: Thanx!

Karla: Oh don't worry is ok if you do that... and thanx for reading the story I hope you like this chapter too!

bluemouth: You think so? Well thanx!

DarkJadedEyes: Thanx to your review i finished the editing of this chapter so i dedicate this to you because you made me remember my story... well thanx for the review and I hope you like this chapter!

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

* * *

Am I broken.

He's seen me deal with blood and bruises. He's seen me next to a knife, he's seen me against the backdrop of a dying desert.

When things spin too fast - and I'm talking beyond out of control too fast - they break.

Maybe I look ok next to blood and bruises and ugliness, but after tonight, how will I look next to flowers, a field of them.

You have to be prepared for things like this. You have to be prepared for him not being able to handle the truth. Especially since you can barely handle it yourself.

And you've realized some things about yourself, like maybe a healthy life is worth living, and maybe you have a shred of worthiness. You know in your heart that you can be fixed if you just try. But this is the breaking point, you either get better or you don't.

When you clean your room, it has to get dirtier before it gets cleaner. You have to pull out all the shit that's under your bed and inside your closet. You pile dirty laundry on your bed, you find that half eaten sandwich that you meant to throw away. You purge the corners and hidden places, let it all hang out in the open. Then you decide what to work on first.

That's what this is like. What if he doesn't like what's under my bed. What if he doesn't want to see my cobwebs. What if he doesn't want to help me clean it up.

You have to be prepared for the worst case scenario, but it has to be realistic.

It's different for me. I don't have one great big secret like him or Kaho. I have a pile of little white lies. Enough little white lies and you go crazy, you forget what story you told which person. I have years of not telling the entire story. Right and wrong don't even make sense anymore. I am a lie.

I am half a story.

If I don't get this out now, I'll break.

I'll lose him, I might anyway. You have to be prepared.

You can't think about how you saw the understanding in his eyes. You can't think about how maybe he will understand and hold your hand all night and help you clean yourself up. Maybe he can heal that bruise on your cheek even though the physical evidence is almost gone, it doesn't matter, the hurt is still there. Maybe if he sleeps next to you, you won't see a gun in your face when you close your eyes.

Stop thinking about this.

I'm not even here.

"Sakura," he says. He sits on the bed, he looks at you in sympathy, pity, like he already knows. "Tell me anything," he says it quietly, gently. He doesn't want to push you with his voice. He knows that touching you right now isn't going to help.

I'm not even here.

This is the last defense mechanism I'll use willingly. I don't even care what it's called, I just remember someone telling me it was adaptive.

I'm not even here. Am I?

It's just a girl, that loves a boy. And she's telling him the truth, to be fair, so that he can decide if he still loves her back.

Eyes down, easier for tears to slip out that way.

Clean it all up.

"I don't know how it started... I don't know where." It's a voice of dissociation, the voice you get when you can't look someone in the eye. It sounds monotone but if you listen hard enough you can sense the shakiness. "I wanted to hate you, I never did, but I wanted to, before I even knew you."

If you blink, a tear will fall out of your left eye.

Glance up and he's confused. "Sakura... why..." he doesn't finish because he knows questions won't do any good.

"I wanted to blame you for my problems but I couldn't because I knew your secret, I don't know how I knew but I did. But I couldn't hate you because I saw how much you hated yourself, and then I saw you hit her, with your car. I saw your life falling apart. I saw you... heal... her."

The tears go drip drip dripping down your face, one lands on your shoe, one lands on your sweater. Glance up and he doesn't want you to cry.

"Maybe I wanted that too... maybe I felt dead. But maybe I saw the way you looked at her and maybe I just wanted you to be happy. You kissed her... at the party... I didn't watch. It would have ended right there but you told me your secret, you… touched me, told me I was insane, I wanted to scream at you."

Glance up and the look on his face is guilt and shock. It was not my intention to make him feel bad. He touched my face that night. His palm was pressed against my nose, his thumb was touching my temple. The first time he touched me, I'll never forget that.

"I don't know... somewhere along the line it changed, you were my friend... you understood me, we had fun. I wanted you to stop hating yourself. So I... convinced myself that you should be with Kaho and I... I got a little lost in my head."

Deep breaths, eyes down.

"Everything I've done in the past two weeks I've done for you. I made the car accident disappear, I kept your secret. Not so that I could save Tomoeda, so that I could save you. Every action, every word I said... everything can be traced back to you."

Close your eyes, blink. Just let yourself cry. The truth is that he hurt you, whether he meant to or not. The truth is that it hurts. The truth is that you want to cry so you cry.

"And you could never... look at me in the eye. What was so fucking horrible about me that you couldn't look at me in the eye?"

Glance up and his eyes blink shut and linger, his jaw is clenched. I don't want him to feel bad, I'm just telling the truth.

"Something happened to me, you left your jacket in the Magic Blast and I was smelling it at five in the morning. We studied at your house and you caught me smelling your goddamn arm and you didn't smell bad, you smell... really good. When we went to the book signing... I was thinking about all these horrible things, I was trying so bad to hate you. I had dreams about you... I hated every second of what was happening to me."

Glance up and he's looking at you, wide eyes with shock, guilt etched on his face like he committed some sort of horrible crime.

"The pool..." I hear the voice and it's mine, it's shaking. It's naked and helpless and weak. It's a wonder he can still understand what I'm saying. My cheeks are uncomfortable, half drying half soaking wet, making my skin tight and confused. I want to be in the shower. I hate crying when I'm not in the shower. I want to be wet and warm and huddled into a ball crying.

"The pool is where I got hurt the most."

Glance up and he's sorry, he's so sorry. He's just breathing, he wants to say something but he doesn't know what to say.

I don't want him to be sorry. I'm the sorry one, I'm the one throwing all this at him at once.

"And all this, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have nothing to apologize for. Because it's my fault, I let myself get hurt. Until we got to the pool, you didn't lead me on, not once. So it's my fault, because I could have left, but I didn't... because I wanted to be around you."

Think about repressed romantic feelings, take a step backward and sit down on the bed because standing isn't an option. And don't you wish your hands would stop shaking and don't you wish you could see through the tears.

"Because... Syaoran... you make me feel something... something weird and scary... like I want you to know who I am... Like I don't want to lie to you."

Are you hearing this. This is raw. This is like going through a meat grinder. You have to hurt more before you feel better. And maybe someday after this I'll thank myself, sow myself back up and be ok. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, next month.

It depends on him now. I'm exposed, all out in the open. He can either run away or fuck with my feelings or make it better. Either way, I want this to be over.

"Do you think this is healthy Syaoran? I'm psycho-crazy-insane obsessed with you. Is this something you want to hear?"

Someday I'll feel better. Glance up and my world isn't the only one falling apart.

My voice is hiding nothing, my face is hiding nothing. When you're exposed like this, even your body language can't lie. "You like me but do you want a neurotic girlfriend. Do you want somebody who doesn't even know who she is because she's made herself up a thousand times. Do you want to know all my secrets and do you want me to know yours?"

You have to be prepared for this.

Funny how hard it is to be prepared when you're completely exposed.

I'm crying like it's the end of the world. That's what it feels like. I'll feel better someday. Someday, I'll know this was healthy. But now, a life is ending.

Be prepared. If he runs, what the hell am I supposed to do.

"So that's what I wanted to say."

I stand up. Neurotic me. Naked, exposed me. I feel dirty.

"I'm taking a shower now."

Brutal honesty, get me out of here.

"If you want to leave, now would be the time."

So that I don't have to see it.

I walk, to the bathroom. Five steps.

He says, "Sakura, come here."

I want to Syaoran, I really really want to.

I say, "Shower."

He hesitates, I hear him shifting on the bed. Then, he sounds pissed. "What the hell am I supposed to do. You already made up your mind that I'm leaving. Give me credit Sakura, if I'm so great then let me make up my own mind, if you really feel so strongly, why is it so easy for you to run."

"It's not... easy."

"Then get your ass over here... and tell me you want me to help you... and I will. I'll do anything... but I don't know what you want."

"I don't know what you want."

"I want you Sakura. Yes, still. You're not neurotic, I have so much to say to you, but you're the one running away right now."

"I'm still scared."

"I know."

"I can't move."

"Then what do you want me to do."

What do I want him to do. There's plenty I want him to do. Honesty.

Honesty.

I can do this.

Just close your mind. It's just a scared girl that doesn't know how to be happy and doesn't know what's best for herself. But in the back of her mind, in the deep, dark places that nobody has seen, she knows exactly what she wants.

"I want you to make me stay, and I want you to tell me how much you want me to stop running away. And I want you to help me. And I want you to promise to not forget about me for at least... until I get better. I want you to tell me why it's so hard for you to look in my eyes but I'm still not sure... if I really want to hear that."

And he says, "Ok."

He gets up and he approaches me. And I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore.

He didn't run away, he wasn't scared.

I thought he would run away.

You never really prepare for the best case scenario.

You prepare for the worst, and when the best happens, you have no idea what the hell to do.

The look on his face, I don't even know what it is. Maybe he's as confused as I am.

He grabs my hand and pulls me over to the bed and he makes me sit down. He's on his knees on the floor in front of me.

He puts one of his hands on mine and the other one on my face, he says, "Look at me."

I don't.

I stare at his hand because it's touching mine and it's the warmest feeling I've ever had in my entire life.

He says, "I can sit here all night. Screw being scared Sakura, aren't you sick of it?"

He says, "Look at me. I'm obsessed with you. I know you feel crazy because I've been there, I know it's hard to let go. You taught me how, don't you know that? You can't scare me, I want to know every little thought that's swimming in that head of yours. Every crazy, neurotic detail. And I will never ignore you again."

His hand is sweeping over my cheek and getting tangled in my hair. He pulls me forward so that our foreheads are touching.

He says, "Never ever."

His voice, I could listen to it forever.

He says, "Sakura Kinomoto, for all that stuff you just said you sure don't act like you like me very much."

And that's just it, you know. This is my breaking point.

I, Sakura Kinomoto, am officially a first class grade A idiot.

What in gods name am I doing sitting here like a fucking noodle.

So I breath. And I say, "Sorry about that."

And I smile, it's kind of a weak smile but it still is a smile, and it's genuine, I figure he might like that.

He does, he smiles back.

His hand slides down to cup the back of my neck and he touches his nose to mine.

I look him in the eye. Liars know a lot of things about eyes, you know. It's the one part of the body that never lies, unless you train yourself.

In Syaoran's eyes, it's kind of hard to look at, obsession and compulsion and rawness. All right there.

The way he's looking at me, I could burst into flames and I wouldn't be surprised. The earth could swallow me whole, magicians could invade the world. Wait a second, scratch that.

He say in a whisper, "We need to talk, but I'm gonna kiss you right now and if you don't kiss me back this time I'm gonna have a hissy fit and it's gonna get really, really ugly."

His mouth is so close to mine, were breathing the same air.

And I get the kind of chill that runs up your neck and makes your insides shudder and warm up and - holy shit.

Xiao Lang mother freaking Li, is going to kiss me.

* * *

I'm just closing my eyes.

I'm not prepared for this but screw being prepared, when the hell have I ever been prepared for anything, anyway.

Guns in my face, platonic-half-naked-second-base-kissing in pools. Never, I tell you. Preparation only works if you have a good sense of insight.

I don't want to but I think back to Kaho and Rika reading girly girl magazines on Friday nights, discussing the pros and cons of spit exchange and certain lip maneuvering tactics.

1) Lips soft and pliable, you know. Not too stiff and not to sloppy-passive. Okay.

2) Swallow. This decreases the wetness factor. If you can't find time to swallow, you damn well have to make time to swallow, alright?

3) And this is the big one. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you shove your tongue down his throat. Too off-putting. Right.

Kissing has tactical maneuvers now, kind of like war. Nothing is sacred.

Okay, so I'm a little nervous.

I'm just closing my eyes.

Why isn't he kissing me yet.

I open my eyes and he's got this look.

What is this look?

Apprehension? Hesitation?

I say, "What's wrong?"

He just shakes his head. What is this look.

His thumb moves across my cheek and I think about blood and snot and tears mixed with relish and take out chinese food.

I've felt this before, when I sleep and turn over and my cheek presses up against my pillow. Ever since that day, push on my cheek and I see a gun in my face. Push on my cheek and I see a hole in a refrigerator with blood and ketchup leaking out of it.

Push on my cheek and I see an ice machine that's broken because of the bullet lodged in the back corner.

I guess you never really get over almost dying.

It's even harder when your face is a constant reminder.

I wonder if there is some sort of magician etiquette guidebook. Is it improper to ask him to heal my cheek.

I'm thinking: fuck proper, it hurts.

His thumb moves across my cheek again and I'm cringing now.

"It still hurts?" He asks.

"A little."

He says, "Oh."

What is that goddamn look.

I say, "So?"

"So what?"

"So can you heal it?"

His eyes fly down and I'm wondering what the hell is going on.

He says, "I could."

"Well you don't have to."

"I will."

What is this. First base to zero in 3.5 seconds.

He doesn't want to heal me.

Ask me how I'm feeling.

"You don't want to."

"Sakura, I do."

"No you don't."

He puts his hand on my cheek and no way, I'm not convinced.  
I get up and walk to the other side of the room.

"Sakura."

"Why don't you want to heal me?"

"I do."

He's lying, I can see this. It's the eyes.

If I was in a cartoon, there would be a big obnoxious lightbulb flashing above my head.

I say, "You don't want to be a magician anymore."

He says, "I'm tired."

"You want me to pretend you're not a magician."

"Can we please just go to sleep."

I know exactly what he's doing because this is something I would pull.

He kicks off his shoes and pulls back the covers. He looks pissed. At who? I'm not sure. Pissed at the world maybe.

I say, "We should probably talk about this."

He says, "I'm tired."

"Go to sleep then." I say this with my hand on the doorknob.

"I will, where are you going?"

If I could lie to him, I would just tell him I'm going to get a soda.

I say, "I need to think, I'll be back in a second."

"Sakura."

"I've been sleeping all day and now I want to think so just let me go think."

He's not even looking at me anymore.

He says, "It's not safe."

"Nothing is safe."

He gives me this look and gets into bed.

I'm honesty girl, so I say, "Who's running away from their problems now?"

He says, "I'm tired."

So I go.

I walk outside into the cold air and look at this ugly place we're staying.

And everything is just getting a little too surreal.

I'm just feeling a little too detached from everything and rightfully so, emotional spiced that I am. Now that my life is the epitome of all that is true, I'm just trying not to make myself up again.

Don't worry, I'm not regressing or anything. I know exactly what's going on. It's his turn to talk and he'll talk when he's ready. but me, I need a little down time, a little keep my mouth shut time. I need to go somewhere and try not to feel anything.

You could say that I'm emotionally drained.

I'm just sitting here getting worse before I can get better.

I thought that the climax of my life was a gun in my face or a bottle pointing at me or my emotional meltdown or take your pick. But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe life doesn't have one solitary, identifiable climax. It's like every day is build up-build up-orgasm.

Build up-build up-orgasm.

Only, not as fun.

Call me selfish but this isn't what I need right now. He didn't give me enough time to recuperate.

Ugliness surrounds me. The hotel walls are stained, probably from people pissing on them. Too much of this and you don't recognize beauty when you see it.

Whatever, I'm going to go swimming now and relive some bad memories.

The pool is surrounded by a locked gate. It's only open until nine but I can't seem to care all that much. I climb over the gate and of course I cut my arm on a snag on top of the chain link fence.

Blood, what a surprise.

The pool lights are on. They do this at hotels, keep the pool lights on all night.

I strip down to my less than sexy underwear and get into the pool. It's heated, I wish it was cold.

I wish it was freezing.

I swim to the edge of the pool and pull myself up to sit on the side, dangling my feet in the water.

Detached is what I am. Detached from my past and my future and everything. My feet aren't even touching the ground.

The cut on the inside of my arm is leaking blood all over the place, it's one of those cuts that looks worse than it actually is.

I really am a sight right now, half naked and bleeding all over myself.

Believe me, it's funnier than it sounds.

Ugliness still surrounds me and I look at myself and think about that stupid cliche: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I'll feel better tomorrow.

Right now, I'm not sure what this is. I don't feel good and I don't feel bad.

Maybe this is a coping mechanism.

Don't even get me started on coping mechanisms.

Maybe this is a cry for help.

Help with what? I'm not sure. I just wanted him to heal me.

But he wants to pretend he's someone that he's not so I guess this is my problem. I know I know I know that I'm not being very understanding, It's just that I need to heal myself since he won't do it.

Tomorrow I'll be understanding, tonight I wallow in detachment.

The blood is trickling down my side.

The way I figure it, I'll bleed to death in about three weeks, so this should be fun.

The minutes tick by.

Two weeks, 6 days, 11 hours, and 53 minutes to go.

And of course Syaoran shows up. I mean, what did I expect.

He peeks through the gate and he says, "What are you doing?"

Me, I can't think of anything better to say, so I say, "Coping."

He opens the gate with his magician powers. The gate is more worthy than I am.

He walks up to me and sees my nice little bloody mess. "Sakura what happened?"

"Ask me in three weeks."

The blood is freaking him out. He's trying to avert his eyes 'cause I'm half naked. It's sweet but right now I could give a shit.

Physical nakedness has got nothing on emotional nakedness.

I just want him to touch me again.

He sits down next to me and lifts up my arm.

He looks so tortured.

I say, "It's not that bad."

"It's bad enough."

"Well you're not healing it until you talk."

And he just sits here looking tortured.

I say, "We'll talk tomorrow, It should be ok for another three weeks."

I say, "Come swimming."

I say this because I want him touching me and kissing me already and I don't know, maybe I'm resorting to seduction.

He says, "I need to tell you something."

"Right now?"

"I think so."

I can tell he doesn't want to talk right now.

I say, "We'll talk tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yea, tomorrow."

"But you're mad."

"Do I look mad?"

He looks at me and bad idea 'cause I'm half naked.

He swallows and he says, "No."

I'm sitting here thinking: Syaoran Li wants me.

So kiss me already.

I say, "We're swimming now."

I slide into the water.

He takes of his shirt and he says, "How long have you been out here like this?"

"Couple minutes."

He takes off his pants and he says, "Try not to think about how many guys are looking out their window getting their rocks off at a naked pool girl."

"I was trying."

He gets in the pool.

And that's when it kind of hits us both. It's like, boom, we're in a pool half naked together.

Again.

He says, "Deja vu."

I say, "Freaky."

My arm goes: bleed

And we're just looking at each other.

He wipes some of the blood of my arm.

"Does it hurt?"

"I'm over it."

And the pool lights on, so I can see everything, pretty much. I can see that he's perfect, just like I thought.

But I just want him touching me. I just want him holding my hand and waiting for me to go to sleep.

He takes a step closer.

I just want him healing me but i'll take what I can get.

He holds out his hand.

I just want to be telling him to not be afraid of who he is, but I want him touching me so I'll take what I can get.

I take his hand and he pulls me into him and wraps his arms around my waist. And I wrap mine around his neck.

This is the kind of heart falling feeling you get when something good is happening. Something you need.

Everything is different now because I'm pretty sure this is what he wants and I don't have to be anywhere else. I can finally forget about everything.

I'm just closing my eyes and breathing.

Then he kisses me. And his lips are so warm that I forget about my arm and my cheek.

I forget about blood and abusive fathers and Kaho.

He's kissing my chin and moving down to my neck.

I forget about the place we're staying cause his breath is so warm and he's being so soft that I can forget.

His fingers are in my hair and his other hand is moving down my leg. Not even water is getting between us.

I look up and there's something about the sky. Something different. Like we're not even here, like he's driving it all away.

We're not even here. It's not just me this time, he's coming with me.

He's grabbing my thigh and pulling it up the side of his leg.

I'm just closing my eyes and breathing.

He's kissing me again, slowly. He's pressing me against the side of the pool.

This is too much for both of us. This is sensory overload.

Our lips are still touching but I don't know if this counts as kissing.

We're just breathing. We're just closing our eyes and breathing each other's air.

The air he breaths is different than the air I breath. It's got a kind of life to it, an electricity. I can feel it in the back of my throat.

This is real.

This is really happening.

There's a slight shift in the air as he moves. I open my eyes and he's looking at my arm and he's looking tortured again.

He's touching my arm and he's whispering, "I'm not handling this very well."

"Handling what?"

"If I heal you, you'll see things."

"So?"

"So I need to tell you something first."

"Is it bad?"

"I don't know, it might be bad, it might be good, it's up to you."

"Tell me anything."

He takes a deep shaky breath and he says, "Maybe you're not the only one who's so good at lying."

"What do you mean?"

"You know my secret Sakura, you know my big secret. But I have others." He says, "Maybe you're not the crazy one, after all."

* * *

Another cliffhanger, don't you just hate me? Well the next chapter is really interesting there's a big turn of events so stay tuned, I'll try to update as soon as I can ok? So see ya!


	12. 12

Honestly... ok i don't think I should say sorry… I'm always late and I'm just 2 chapters away from the end… so yeah I'm going to finish this story soon… so let's thank the wonderful people who sent reviews:

watercircle: Well i hope you like Syaoran's confession, and I'm glad you know a little 'bout Roswell, so well I hope this chapter is worth the wait also… thanx for the review!

Cherri-star: Thanx for reading... I hope you like this chapter too!

midnight fire princess: Sorry for the delay but i hope you like this chapter too, Thanx for the review!

Ange Noir: Yeah i have heard of him but i haven't read anything but well since you mentioned it i'm going to try and read something... well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review (I liked your new word!)

Apelles: Well i hope you like his declaration... I don't know if it's good but I liked it so yeah… well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review!

babiriceball: Thanx for all the reviews and all the comments and yeah Sakura is a lot more innocent in the real story… but since this is an au… well thanx for the review!

RayeBBG: I hope you like this chapter and sorry for the delaybut life has been crazy… well thanx for the review!

Cristal: Well i really hope you like this chapter and thanx for the review!

DarkJadedEyes: Hey Thanx for the comment it made me feel really good, i just love your reviews... well I hope you like this chapter and thanx for your reviews!

Wind and Flame: Thanx i never heard such a... well such an interesting description, but I liked it… thanx for the review!

arcana caelestia: Hey Thanx... this chapter is not that amusing but well i think is good i hope you like it... thanx for the review!

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

* * *

What we are is this mixture. This Syaoran and Sakura blended frappe drink. A smoothie, whatever. This blended mixture of arms and skin and blood and tears and wet underwear and legs and detachment and fear and lies.

He doesn't want to let me go.

We're mixed together in this pool, and we sit here drinking each other's air because he doesn't want to let go.

I don't want him to let go either but he has to, because this isn't real yet.

This isn't real yet because I don't know him yet.

I'm talking to deities because this isn't real yet. I'm not sure I believe in anyone but I'm talking to deities anyway, just in case.

I'm saying: God, It can't be that bad, can it?

And I can't look into his eyes and he can't look into mine because we both know it can be that bad.

I'm saying: God, make me love whatever he has to say, no matter what it is.

So we're drinking each others air. He doesn't want to let me go and then he's gone to go get me a towel.

I can understand that. I couldn't tell him in a car, he can't tell me in a pool.

Cars and pools are shotty places for resolution. Plus there's nowhere for us to run.

I'm saying: Venus, show me something beautiful.

I'm saying: Death, make up your fucking mind.

I'm saying: Somebody, anybody, give me a fucking break for a change.

The gods are stirring around in the heavens and with my luck, I'm making everything worse. Who does that girl think she is, talking to us like that? Make that wound bleed a little bit more.

Make that head spin a little bit more.

I don't know what he could possibly tell me. I'm not even going to try to prepare, it would just be the wrong kind of preparation anyway.

What hurts the most is that this whole time I thought I knew him.

And I wonder what it could do to us. He couldn't make me stop loving him, but he could scare me.

He could make me afraid of him.

I'm sick of crying.

I want to stop crying now.

I'm sick of bleeding.

He pulls me out of the pool and wraps me up in this towel and I bet it's a bitch to get blood off of white towels.

We walk to the hotel room, clothes in hand, him after me, eyes to the floor, like a funeral procession.

I try to turn around and look in his eye but he doesn't let me, but I can still see what's in them. Doom. Fear. I can see that he never meant to tell me this in the first place.

He was just going to let it go, live on with some secret tearing him apart and me sitting there thinking this was real.

We get to the hotel room and I'm regressing now. I don't want to know. I don't care if this isn't real. I know him enough.

We can pretend, we're good at that.

Three weeks and I'm dead, but that's not completely true. Blood coagulates, wounds close up. They close up and you can still remember what happened but you can pretend it was never there.

We can just pretend this never happened.

Hope there's no scar.

He dries his boxers with his magician powers and his boxers are more worthy than I am.

I'm saying: Little cherry blossom, poor you.

He puts on his pants and sits down on the bed and next thing is he's got this bloody, crying, me all over him.

I'm resorting to seduction and I am in no shape to seduce, but I'll try it anyway.

He's got this bloody, crying me attacking his mouth and who even knows what my hands are doing. Bloody, crying me messing with the buttons on his pants and pushing him back onto the bed.

He grabs my wrists and my life isn't the only one that's falling apart.

His eyes are scaring me. He's afraid so I'm afraid.

He pulls me closer and he's hugging me to him and he says, "I have to tell you Sakura, I have to."

Bloody, crying me, shaking my head.

His eyes change to hopelessness. Bloody, crying me is not helping the situation. I can sense something, if he doesn't tell me then he can't be with me, it wouldn't be fair.

I can understand that.

I had to tell him before I could be with him.

I say, "What will I see Syaoran, what will I see if you heal me?"

He says, "Guilt."

We're this Syaoran and Sakura blended frappe drink on the bed. Bloody, crying me mixed with guilty, life-falling-apart Syaoran.

I'm saying: Tragedy, go away.

I'm saying: Romeo and Juliet, die already.

He's petting my hair and breathing and kissing my forehead. He's kissing my forehead like it's the last time before I run away.

His eyes drop down and this means get prepared if you have a good sense of insight. If you don't, then you're shit out of luck.

I don't, so I am.

His eyes drop down and he's petting my hair and he says, "I had a dream about us Sakura, we were at the poppy field, we were sleeping."

His hands are running over my arms and smearing blood all over the place. Blood is supposed to coagulate but it's not coagulating, the wound's not closing up.

I'm saying: Science, don't fail me now.

"When?" I ask.

"The night of the party."

This isn't such a surprise until he says, "The first party."

His hands are on the side of my stomach and he's frowning, smearing blood all over the place, saying, "You're a mess."

He's cleaning me up now, magician powers.

I say, "So did you know we'd come here?"

He shakes his head, "It was just a dream, I just wanted to take you here."

"So what does that mean?"

He closes his eyes and breaths, saying, "It means I'm a good liar. It means how could I ignore you after that, how could I not love you after that."

Me, I'm sitting here saying: First party, this doesn't make sense.

He says, "You know about dreams Sakura, I wanted you and I couldn't lie to myself about it, I couldn't even try."

He says, "It means I'm a good liar, it means that I didn't want you to know so you didn't know."

He says, "It means that I wanted you to think I didn't notice you so I made you think I didn't notice you."

He says, "I'm just as obsessed Sakura, if not more."

And what in god's name is he talking about.

I'm saying: First party, this doesn't make any sense. Best buddies is what we were after that night. Best buddies and he still couldn't look me in the eye and he still saved that smile for Kaho and he still went out on dates and gazed at her with that look and he wasn't fucking in love with me.

I still haven't stopped crying yet and I'm shaking my head saying, "You're getting your parties mixed up."

"No I'm not Sakura," And he kisses me, this tortured mixed up kiss, like the last one before I run away. He says, "You thought I didn't notice you even when we were friends. I was hanging on your every word, Sakura Kinomoto. Every second I had with you..."

"What are you talking about?"

"We we're friends. That was my first mistake... I couldn't not be around you..." He's dropping his eyes and petting my hair and breathing and there is so much going on inside of him right now. So much that I don't know.

He thinks that I don't want to know this.

"But I couldn't look at you in the eye... then it would be over. You thought I never looked at your eyes but every second you were looking away I was looking at your eyes."

He's falling apart and saying, "Every second..."

I'm just shaking my head because I don't understand what I'm supposed to be understanding.

I say, "You didn't want me to know?"

His eyes go scary. He looks up and maybe on the inside he's talking to deities. He says, "Do you know how hard it was, pretending not to care? I was good at it though."

He's letting go of my hands, he's detaching himself.

I say, "Kaho."

"Kaho. I went on dates with Kaho and we talked about you and Touya the whole time. She never even asked why I pretended to like her in front of you, she was too far gone, she didn't care."

He leans back, detaching himself and even his eyes are going distant. He says, "You told Dr. Reed that if you found out who the magicians were, you would have them publicly burned at the stake."

I thought I was out of tears but I was wrong. Did I do this to myself?

He says, "I found out that you liked me and you hated me in the same night."

The tears go drip drip dripping on everything. I don't want him detaching so I'm leaning forward with my hands on his arms and I'm pleading because I did this to myself. He ignored me because of something I don't even remember saying. I'm begging, "Syaoran I never hated you I just said things... I said... I said I was a snail in my past life... I told him that I fought in Nam... It was before I knew you..."

He's petting my hair and his thumb is on my lips. His body language is telling me to calm down but his eyes are so wet with tears that won't come out, they're saying that he's gone, he's detached. He's somewhere else.

He's not even here.

He says, "Magicians fucked up your life Sakura. I fucked up your life, I'm the reason you lie so much."

And I'm clutching onto him now, crying harder than I ever have before because once again I'm the guilty party and he's taking all the blame and I'm just saying, "No... no."

And he's gone now, not even trying to comfort me because he's not even here. He says, "Tomoeda got fucked up by magicians and ruined your life. Tomoeda made you have all these problems."

I'm pleading, "Tomoeda, Syaoran. Not magicians, Tomoeda has so many secrets and lies and rumors because it's a fucked up place and I couldn't handle it..."

He interrupts me with something in his voice, with contempt in his voice, he says, "Secrets, whoever saw the light and started all those true rumors screwed up your life, is that what you're saying?"

And I don't even know what he's asking and I'm saying "I… I guess, Syaoran... It just wasn't you... you didn't do anything."

I'm touching his arms and his face and he's just pushing me away, and there's this sort of closure in his voice when he speaks next, like we're nearing the end, like this is where I run away.

He says, "Nobody saw the light Sakura."

He says, "I started the rumors, me and Meiling and Eriol."

I sit.

I sit and not think about anything because I can't think about anything.

He gets up and walks to the other side of the room because this is him running away and not me.

He says, "Meiling and Eriol took the first group of people there, I caused another green light just for them to see it, we fucked up Tomoeda and everyone in it, we made everyone hate each other."

"Guilt, Sakura. Now you know why I hate myself. Now you know."

* * *

Seventh grade.

Six years ago.

Six years ago three kids go into this park, this place they call home, and they have this plan.

This plan is to start this rumor.

You wonder why at first but you have to think back. Think back and wonder what they were like, what do you remember about them.

Then you realize why they did it. Because you don't remember them at all. You don't remember where they ate at lunch and you don't remember if they were in any of your classes.

They might as well have not existed.

These three kids that hid in corners and lived in their heads and they thought they were helping themselves out.

These three kids that were alienated from everyone and no one noticed they had a problem.

What kind of town was it that didn't notice these three kids.

Seventh grade, maybe the town wasn't as great as you remembered it to be in the first place.

Or maybe the town never had anything to do with it.

Seventh grade, they were so young.

I was young too. I was this kid, this kid living in the world. I should have been happy, but something was off.

Maybe it was bad timing, puberty, who knows, I don't even remember anymore.

Seventh grade I started living in my head.

Seventh grade I started having these problems, I was this depressed kid, and everyone wanted to know why.

So did I.

Two months later these three kids carry out this plan.

They started these rumors.

This is the kicker: nobody cared.

Nobody cared until I got a hold of this rumor.

I milked it for all it was worth. I latched onto it for life. I spread it wherever I could. I was the first one to accuse, I was the one that made everybody care.

I was the one that made everybody hate each other.

I was the catalyst, if it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened.

People wanted to know what was wrong with me, I wanted to know what was wrong with me. So with the help of these three kids that I didn't know, I found this problem. I manufactured it. I made it mine. I made it what was wrong with me.

I have this problem, this problem with lying. I have this problem where I don't know who I am.

The biggest lie I ever told was one I told to myself. I convinced myself that magicians were my problem. I made myself forget about the manufacturing.

I never wanted to believe that my problem was self-caused.

I never wanted to believe that maybe there was something inside me that was just... off.

I never was one for taking responsibility.

Until now.

Because right now the only thing I know is that I don't care what's wrong with me. Because I know that I can be healed, and I know who can heal me.

And I know that if there is always going to be something wrong with me, there's a certain person that won't care.

You see, there's this person that I can't lie to, that can't lie to me.

There's this person that thinks he screwed me up when he really made me better.

This person was in love with me longer than I thought, this person noticed me.

This person was crying for help for so long and nobody noticed, this person noticed my cry for help.

We did these really horrible things when we were young. We've been carrying these things around, lying to ourselves all this time.

Both of us, we did this to ourselves because we did these things when we didn't know any better and we lived with it for so long. We created our own guilty lives, we made our own heads spin, together.

And together, we can make it stop.

My eyes are closed and my brain is working. I open my eyes and I see things.

I'm seeing things differently.

One might call this an epiphany.

Bloody, crying me is looking awfully ridiculous, sitting here in my underwear.

Syaoran is faced away from me, just waiting for me to run away. Head down, eyes to the floor.

No way in hell i'm running now.

His voice is so quiet and I barely hear it, he's talking to his chest, saying, "I'll take you home if you want, or I could call a cab for you... I'll pay."

I say, "No."

I say, "I'm still bleeding."

He turns around reluctantly and if he would just look at me he would see something, he would see me having an epiphany, but he's not looking and that's ok.

He sits next to me, sitting there hating himself, he says, "What do we do now?"

I say, "I'll die in three weeks if you don't heal me."

"That's it?" he says, "I heal you and it's over."

I grab his hand and put it against my cheek. It sucks when you're having an epiphany and the person sitting next to you is not.

I say, "Heal me and find out."

* * *

Connection.

How do I explain a connection like this.

It's harder than you think.

This is exposure to the umpteenth degree.

A connection is neuro surgery. A cut on the scalp and a drill through some bone and there's your brain, all opened up for anyone to see. Every detail. Dendrites to neurotransmitters, across synapses, to the soma, down the axon to the dendrite terminals and over and over and over.

Inside, Syaoran is laughing at my Science centered thoughts. I know this because of the flash.

I also know that he calls them flashes because of the flash.

These little fleshy colored brain cells are showing me everything he's ever known, because of the flash.

It's not just about what's under his bed or in his closet. It's not just about dirty laundry piled up on the bed.

It's deeper than that.

It's the little crumbs stuck between the carpet fibers, the ones that you never even knew were there, the ones even a vacuum can't reach. It's the way your bedspread fades under the sun, each little bedspread cell losing it's color and you don't even notice because it happens so slowly.

Syaoran thinks that this is a very good analogy.

I know this because of the flash.

Expose yourself as much as you can. Go as far as you can go. Physically, emotionally, mentally, get all around naked. Expose yourself until you think you couldn't possibly expose yourself any more.

Then expose yourself more.

That's what this is like.

And this is just the beginning, it hasn't barely even started yet.

Guess what, I know this because of the flash.

It's hard to explain in words because it's not really a verbally centered thing.

You hear some words, you see some pictures, you feel some emotions. But mostly, it's energy. This pure energy telling you things, giving you information in a way that you never knew existed. Like some sort of sixth sense.

This energy is telling you memories. The oldest memories are dusty, faded.

And it's intense.

It takes your whole body apart. You feel it in your insides.

I'm feeling his guilt inside my bones.

Start from the beginning and I'm seeing him as a kid, seeing his father, playing with things, a green aura surrounding him and his dad's face. But it's fuzzy, it's not completely there, it's like an idea, like a badly made, black and white, old movie.

I'm seeing his mom getting remarried and a funeral for three persons and a card glowing with greenish light. A little boy and girl hiding in the corners, using this cards. Holding hands because they are the only ones that can use them. I'm feeling Syaoran's fear. I'm feeling his fear but I see him being strong for his cousin because she just lost both of his parents.

This little boy is thinking that this is what all little kids go through. This little boy is telling himself to ignore the fear because this is normal.

He's so small, and he's telling his cousin that little kids make magical things happen all the time, because this is his only explanation.

I'm feeling the first time he felt ok. He's standing in this distorted field of orange flowers. The flowers are moving and swaying, up and down and all round, doing things that flowers don't usually do, like something out of a surreal painting. His parents are there, and his cousin with her new jean jacket with red flowers. He sees blurry edges, that kind of not-all-there feeling you have when you try to think of your earliest memories.

He wants to take me to this poppy field because he remembers that in the poppy field, everything is ok.

I'm seeing him realize that little kids doesn't make magical things happen all the time.

I'm seeing him realize that his dad abandoned him.

I'm seeing him realize that not all little kids can heal.

But he loves his foster dad and everything will be ok, they tell him that everything will be ok.

One time he heals this bird and his mother starts looking at him differently. No less loving, just differently.

Because that's just what he is, he's different.

I'm seeing his first day of school. His sense of completion when he finds Eriol. His terrifying realization that he's more different than he thought.

He's a magician.

And there's nothing more different than a magician.

He's this little kid and he's hearing people say that illegal magicians should be exported.

These three little kids are miserable and their parents don't know what to do because these kids barely talk anymore.

These kids don't talk to anybody anymore because they can't be noticed. If they're noticed then people will realize just how different that they are. They'll be exported.

They don't want to be abandoned again.

They grow up a little bit more and they feel more and more miserable every day. There's this sort of egocentrism that goes along with being an adolescent.

They don't want to be the only ones that suffer.

Their misery is so bad that they want to push it off onto other people, these people around them that they're starting to hate.

They don't want to hate these people but they do. They don't want to be noticed because it's dangerous, they tell themselves that all they need is each other and they convince themselves of this.

But deep down, they just want to be normal.

So they form this plan.

They can never be normal, so they make this plan.

This plan is to make everyone else the magician. Make all these people they hate feel how they do.

Seventh grade, they were so young.

I'm trying to tell Syaoran that I understand but then the pictures stop, the fragments of conversations stop.

And there's this rumble of energy.

A rumble of doom, you just know what's coming is bad.

Guilt, like some stampede of animals coming from far away, my insides are shaking. My bones are shaking.

And then everything stops and there's just Syaoran healing me on a bed.

I'm a wreck, I was a wreck anyway but I'm more of a wreck now. You can't control yourself when you're having these connection things and his hand is on my wet cheek.

He's giving me this concerned, guilty look. I don't know what he saw.

We're both breathing heavily.

I'm feeling this compulsion.

Me, with my weak voice, I say, "More."

I almost know him, completely.

His hand slides from my cheek, down my arm.

It starts again.

He wants more too.

Me and Syaoran, the only way it's going to work for us is if we know each other like this. We can't be with perfect people, we need people that make mistakes, we have to be normal to each other.

There has to be nothing left to pretend about or to lie about.

This is the hard part, because the darkness is coming. I see shadows, the dark chambers inside his mind, dank and dripping wet with guilt. He repented immediately but there was nothing he could do to take it back. I hear this quiet whispering. The only thing he can do is hate himself.

I see him giving himself what he thinks he deserves.

Teen queen Kaho. He walks through the halls at school and he doesn't give a shit about anything but hating himself. He has no hope and behind this stoic demeanor is hate. Teen queen Kaho. They having nothing in common, they have so much not in common that calling them opposites would still be saying they have more in common than they do.

Teen queen Kaho, they have nothing in common, nothing except that they both hate Syaoran Li.

Good enough for him, he needs a little torture. She's perfect, he's not, he forms a little unhealthy preoccupation.

But something happens, teen queen Kaho isn't as perfect as she looks, all of the sudden she doesn't hate him anymore, she wants to be his friend.

Enter me out of nowhere. Zero to lab partners in 3.5 seconds. He never noticed me because I didn't want to be noticed. But this one day, he had to.

He has this dream.

Enter me and I'm shaking up his perfect little world of guilt. What I am is not perfect, but what I am is perfect for him. I give him this feeling that he shouldn't be having and he wants me to go away and he wants me to stay with him.

Hence, we become best buddies. We continue to live in our respective heads.

I'm shaking up his world because he finally met someone as crazy as he was. Someone that might understand. Someone that might make him feel good but he doesn't deserve to feel good. Someone that he might understand.

He finds out that I like him and I hate him in the same night. He finds out that I know his secret and the guilt is at full force.

I see him thinking he screwed up my life, him thinking that if I knew he spread the rumor I would hate him even more.

He has this deep dark secret that he could never tell me. That no one could ever understand. He doesn't want me to like him anymore because I would just end up getting hurt. So he hurts me, he figures he should just hurt me a little because it will be less hurt in the long run. He talks about Kaho's eyes and he hurts me.

He's killing himself with guilt.

I hear fragments of conversations. He's talking about me to Kaho, they're becoming friends. She's giving him these romantic pointers, she's telling him that he's worthy. She's telling him we'd be a good couple because we're both whako. He's never had a friend like Kaho before and she's starting to convince him.

They aresuch good friends and she drops this bomb on him. She was using him at first, but then they became friends. She's glad they became friends but she still feels bad, oh, and by the way, will he help her kill someone?

I see this pool and he's slipping up. He's got himself in this position where I'm half naked and he's half naked he's losing his control.

Then I just feel this confusion. Pure confusion. I saved him and then I'm leaving town. I spend a weekend doing nothing and he spends the weekend talking to Kaho about what he should do.

The party, spin the bottle. Kaho suggested this because she's a sucker for romantic surprises and he doesn't think he'd know romantic if he ran into it with his car.

Which is just stupid, in my opinion.

He can't let me leave town. At least not without telling me how he feels. And he's still confused. He doesn't know if he's worthy or not but he'll have to try because if he doesn't it would kill him more than the guilt.

I see him looking into my eyes and I see myself. It's just me, it's not this hyped up, ultra version of me. It's just me in all my neurotic glory.

Me sitting on this couch saying I'm not playing and trying to be this mega bitch and he's seeing right through me.

Me, sitting there, neurotic, with all my unperfectness and I'm perfect for him. And he loves every unperfect-but-perfect detail about me.

To him, I'm beautiful just the way I am. He's not seeing things that aren't there. Just me and I'm beautiful.

He loves how I make fun of his hair. He thinks that my mean streak is sexy.

He loves how I gravitate towards pools in my underwear.

He's looking in my eyes and it's over.

He wants to see me exposed. He wants to know every thought that I think, he wants to know every emotion that I feel. He wants to know what I smell like and what my skin feels like. He got some of this in the pool but he didn't get enough, because I wasn't really there.

Syaoran Li wants me.

He thinks I'm this great big mystery. Not the kind that you don't want to figure out, the kind that you do. The kind that you'll die if you don't figure out.

And my insides are shaking.

I want him to figure me out.

We want to be the only people that know each other, that really, intensely, deeply, know each other.

We're obsessed with each other.

And now it's just all a blur. An intense blur. These fragments of conversations and visions and feelings are converging and twisting and turning.

And then everything goes quiet. Like this beautiful quiet after this release.

The only sound is us breathing.

We just breath, just sit here and breath in the quiet. His hand is on my arm, I can feel this. Every part of my skin that he's touching is pulsating.

My eyes open slowly and we're both in this stupor.

It's still so intense, intensity making every part of my body feel like it's weeping for something, for him.

I don't even know how I'm worthy of this. Girls like me don't fall this hard.

Syaoran sits there motionless, only his eyes moving. He's peering at me with this mixture of relief and apprehension. His hand hasn't moved.

I close my eyes and my breath is catching. I'm this shaky mess and I can barely breath.

His hand moves, sliding slowly down my arm. We both just sit here and watch his hand slide down my arm, trying to breath.

His fingers hover around my wrist, lingering there before he retreats his hand and places it on his lap.

We're both so tired now. He's awake but I can tell he's not completely here.

I say, "Um... wanna... go... to bed."

He just looks at me for a second. Then he grabs my hand and he's pulling me next to him.

I'm glad he did this.

We're holding each other now. And this is finally real.

His eyes are lined with red. He says, "Yeah"

We get into bed and he's on his side facing me. Touching my hair and arms. His fingers are tracing the line on my arm where the wound was and I'm closing my eyes.

He touches my cheek and he whispers to me, "I saw you almost die, I should have been there Sakura."

"It's over now."

He says, "Do I deserve this?"

"You deserve everything."

"So do you."

He leans down and rests his head next to mine, grabbing my hand.

He says, "I did some bad things."

"We both did... we'll make it better."

"How?"

"We just will... we'll think of something."

"Stay in Tomoeda Sakura."

"I will."

He closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. "Wait for me to graduate and I'll take you anywhere."

I'm smiling in the dark. Biting my lips and feeling his breath against my skin.

I say, "Night Syaoran."

He squeezes my hand and nuzzles his cheek against mine.

"Night Sakura."

* * *

Well everything is better now, and they are so cute... they are also really crazy but añso extremely cute, wellwe are just 2 chapters away from the end… well I'm going to try to update ASAP but well I'm not making any promises ok? Well see ya! 


	13. 13

Ok i'm back sooner than what I thought, don't you people love me? Ok don't answer that, so one chapter to go and that's it so let's thank the reviewers…

watercircle: Thanx for the comments and well yeah all things have to end sooner or later but in a way I'm happy, this is the first ff that I complete so I'm really happy… well thanx for the review!

Cherri-star: Thanx a lot!

arcana caelestia: You think so? Well I'm glad you liked it, I hope you like this one as well, thanx for the review!

Sakura Arielle: I'm glad you liked it, is one of my fav chapters too… I don't know why it was confusing but I hope that this chapter in not as confusing as the last one… anyway thanx for the review!

Ange Noir: You did? Well I didn't mean to ruin your spring break but I really want to finish this so that I can start a new project… and yeah I love that word… but maybe people aren't ready for it :) and I'm confused 'bout the enlightenment thing and yeah I'm sorry about the fast ending but… yeah well I love your reviews by the way… thanx!

Apelles: Yeah i think so too, this is a really OOC Syaoran but I love him anyway… and well I think the main idea of that chapter was Syaoran's confession, that's why there's no more 'bout what you said… and I hope you like the length of this chapter… is not too long but not too short… thanx for your reviews and comments!

RayeBBG: Yeah only two... that's sad… well thanx for the review!

Natalie: Now that's a good idea… too bad I don't have money to do it… imagine a real Syaoran! (sigh) well thanx for the comments and the review!

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

* * *

I think it was a member of the Brady Bunch, maybe Greg, that said this, he said: Wherever you go, there you are.

Well, we went, and here I am.

It was me that said this: There's plenty of places like home.

Well, there is, and I just found one of them.

A town in the middle of the desert. They call it a suburb of some big city where things happen, but this big city, you can't get there unless you drive from middle of nowhere to middle of somewhere.

It takes about an hour to get from middle of nowhere to middle of somewhere.

Kind of like Tomoeda.

We drove into town first, to get something to eat before we go to places where everything is ok.

Compared to this place, Tomoeda is heaven on earth.

Chain stores, row upon row of chain stores. Shopping malls, mini malls, stretch malls, outdoor malls, consumers on every corner. Suburban paradises undergoing foreclosure. Graph paper streets, an idiot couldn't get lost here. We just found the city with no past, no future, only a present.

This city with only a present, we came here, so here we are.

This city, we're leaving, so there we go.

This city surrounded by dying, brown, deserts. Like Tomoeda, except for the breeze. It has a breeze that blows tumbleweeds the size of cars into the roads. Flat deserts. At one point I thought deserts like this, places like this, have no secrets to hide, have no places for lies to crawl under. Everything is just so naked, even the people are exposed.

I was wrong.

There's this corner. This hidden place that nobody knows about, where a secret is hidden.

And not all secrets are bad.

Some good secrets stay hidden because you're not looking hard enough, because realizing there is something good about this place would make you face that there is something good behind every guilty liar.

Do you want me to make this easier for you?

This city, it has it's secrets. It has a lot of bad secrets, but it has this good one, this hidden poppy field.

Me and Syaoran, we have our secrets. We have a lot of bad secrets, but we have this good one, there's something about us that keeps us alive, keeps us breathing, something beautiful. There's something about us that the guilt never let us see.

Understood?

We drive.

Clues to this hidden place sprinkle the sides of the road. There's this point, behind this hill, you could miss it if you don't turn your head. You could drive right past it thinking you know everything about this place.

Maybe this is another thing about us. We learned how to look for things like this, because we were looking for things like this in each other.

So we turn our heads, because we're looking, we're breathing, we're aware, and we see it.

The poppy field, the orange sea of hills, alive and breathing beauty. It's almost like an explosion, a deep breath.

And I go: hachoo

* * *

"Hello you big, manly magician."

"Well hello there, pretty lil' lady, that's a nice... rib cage... you've got there."

"Syaoran, you are so disturbing."

"SHHH... they're putting on a play for you."

I go: hachoo

Syaoran says, "Gross... you got girl cooties on me."

I say, "You love it."

"Yeah well, Shall I continue?"

"Yeah, you know, take away all their innocence, corrupt them completely."

"Shhhh."

I go: hachoo

The setting, this is where I tell you what I see.

Well, look left and right and I see orange. Look down and I see my feet. Look up and I see Syaoran. Look straight ahead, and I see the sky, a little magician and skeleton dancing in front of it.

I'm laying down, head in his lap. He's putting on a little play for me. His fingers are pressed against the little toys heads, making them bob up and down every time they talk.

Syaoran says, "Where was I... oh yeah..."

He contorts his voice into this really high pitched girly sound, "Well hello you big, manly magician."

His voice goes deep again and the little magician's head bobs up and down, "Hello pretty lil' lady, that's a nice rib cage you've uhh... got there."

I say, "Creepy," but I'm smiling.

The little magician turns to me and says, "Do you mind?"

The skeleton says to the magician, "OHH you are just so irresistible... with that...purple thing."

"Well uhh... hey," says the magician, "do you maybe wanna... you know uhh... make out?"

The skeleton says, "OH, I thought you'd never ask, you hunk of magic you..."

I shake my head, "This is so wrong."

Syaoran smashes the little toys heads together and makes little muffled noises, "Ohhhhhhh... mmmmmmmmm... aaahhhhhhhhh."

I say, "Ohhhhhh boy."

They stop going at it because the little magician is falling apart and getting back up again. The magician, when he gets himself back together again he says to the skeleton, "Wow, that was some kiss, by the way, your breastbone is showing."

I say, "Who knew that Syaoran Li was such a cheeseball... oh yeah... I did."

I go: hachoo

The magician says to me, "Shut it, cootie girl."

I grab the magician and place a big sloppy wet kiss on his face.

Syaoran says, "Hey no fair."

umm...

Are you hurling yet?

Ok, sowe're cute together.

Did I just say cute?

Oh boy.

I go: hachoo

Syaoran bends over to kiss my chin because that's all he can reach.

And I'm having this feeling.

Syaoran says, "What are you thinking about?"

"Truthfully?"

"Truthfully."

"I'm having this feeling."

"What feeling?"

I sit up and Syaoran picks some twigs off the back of my shirt. I turn so that I'm facing him, "It's this feeling."

"What feeling?"

"I don't know."

"Well what does it feel like?"

"It feels like a feeling."

"What feeling?"

"It's just this feeling."

"Umm... confusion?"

"No... what is that feeling... you know."

"Uhh... I'm not sure."

"That feeling where like, obsession is reciprocated."

He smiles, "I like this brutal honesty thing you've got going."

"What is it?"

"Umm... when obsession is reciprocated... I believe they call that.." Syaoran rubs his lips together nervously and squints his eyes, "...Love?"

Love.

It's wierd when you hear it. Love love love love, sounds so meaningless if you repeat it over and over again. But if you just hear it once...

I say, "Yeah... love."

Syaoran says, "Yeah... I'm feeling that too."

I nod.

He nods.

We stare.

He says, "Umm... I don't need to like... ask anymore... do I?"

"Ask what?"

"Asking just feels so stupid."

"Asking what?"

"You know... asking..."

I say, "Asking sounds so meaningless when you say it that many times... asking asking asking... what does that mean, anyway?"

"Huh?"

"What did you want to ask?"

"I didn't want to ask."

"What didn't you want to ask?"

"Umm... I think I ruined the moment."

"Are we nervous?"

"I think so."

I nod.

He nods.

We stare.

I say, "Why are we nervous."

"I don't know... it was so easy last night."

"What was easy?"

"I didn't even ask."

"Didn't ask what?"

"I'm just shutting up."

"We should probably make out."

"Wow... ok."

"Is that what you were going to ask?"

"More or less..."

"Well you don't have to ask."

"Good, I won't."

I say, "Love love love love love asking asking asking."

He sighs and says, "I'm not nervous anymore... I think it was just a thing."

"Neither am I... that skeleton, it's yours... I stole it for you."

He smiles, "You did?"

"Yea."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I go: hachoo

He shakes his head and scoots over to face me, cross legged, putting his fingers on the bridge of my nose.

I say, "It's allergies, it'll just come back."

"I know, but this is fun."

He's making my nose all warm and tingly.

He's making my everything all warm and tingly.

I close my eyes because that's just what you have to do when you're having feelings like this, you close your eyes to savor it.

Me and Syaoran, we're not feeling so detached anymore.

We are very much here, in the moment, in the world.

You could choke on the beauty of it all.

He pushes some hair behind my ear and he's looking at me. He's been looking at me like this all morning. Like he's seeing something there, like he's seeing me.

No one hasever looked at me like this.

His breath grazes the skin next to my ear, over my cheek. I turn my head and catch his lips between mine, because it feels right, because there's no reason not to, because I want to.

Because I'm learning that it's ok to want things from someone.

I turn my body and we're touching each other. Touching all that we can, arms, legs, stomachs, lips, tongues, you name it.

Me and Syaoran, we need this.

This kiss, I don't have time to think about pointers because it just feels right. We just fit, the situation is defining itself.

We lean back onto the poppies and his hand is on my side, drawing little circles on my skin.

My hand is somewhere in his hair, messing it all up.

Then me, because nothing is ever as perfect as it seems, because it's the little imperfect things about the situation that make it so perfect, I lean back and I go : hachoo

And we laugh.

And we lay here, him with his hand on my nose continuously, so that I stop sneezing, we hold each other.

I look around us. The poppies are swaying with the breeze, making it look like a giant, orange ocean. I say, "This place is amazing."

And he says, "It's just a place."

I nod, because I think I know what he's saying.

He says, "It's perfect, because we're together, but it's just a place, it could be horrible if we were alone."

I say, "Like Tomoeda."

"Yeah, Like Tomoeda."

I say, "I miss it."

He nods, "Looks like there's no place like home after all."

"I miss the people, I miss Kaho."

"So do I."

"And Yukito and Tomoyo."

"And Meiling and Eriol."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"So what do we do now?"

He smiles and hugs me closer, "Well, first we hump like rabbits... kidding... ok first we make out some more."

"Definitely."

"Then we sleep."

"Ok."

"Then... we face things."

I nod, because I know what this means, because I know that this means we're going home.

* * *

The drive home.

Being in the car sucks because I was just getting used to second base.

And now I'm just sitting here stalling the car every five minutes.

Syaoran says, "Well... we should get there in about three weeks."

I say, "Can it."

"I'm kidding."

"I love you."

He stares.

I say, "WHY IS THE CLUTCH SO FAR AWAY?"

"Whoa, whoa, you're letting up too fast."

"Letting up on what."

"I love you too."

I stall the car again.

We smile at each other.

He says, "The clutch, you gotta ease it off slower, and push on the gas at the same time, kind of like a teeter totter. Ok? Then when you want to break you gotta push on the clutch and ease off the gas and then push on the break, maybe we should move the seat up."

This is what I'm hearing: clutch clutch break break break gas acceleration, Ok? Break break clutchety clutch clutch gas gas gas, maybe we should move the seat up.

I say, "Yeah ok."

It takes me about half an hour to get the speed above 30 Mph.

I say, "Your birthday is in two weeks."

"No it's not."

"Well, when is it then?"

"It was like five months ago."

"Well, that's not going to work for me."

"Uhh..."

"The point is that your birthday is in two weeks."

"Really? Well… ok… if you say so"

"MmmHmm."

"You gonna get me something?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

Syaoran, he looks at me and he says, "What if my birthday's really today?"

"That's not gonna work for me."

He stares out the window, shaking his head and laughing slightly.

I look out the window too, In the middle of the dying desert I see this poppy. This random, misplaced poppy.

I've never had this feeling before, this feeling where I realize I have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm actually happy about it.

So we drive home, we drive home because the climax is over and we're just sitting here waiting for resolution, some life statement to take home and paint on a sign and hang above our doorway.

Pardon me while I reflect on this.

I think about me almost dying and I think maybe a good moral would be: Don't try this at home.

But that's just stupid.

I mean look at me, does it look like a regret a damn thing?

How about: There's not so many places like home.

How about: Kiss the pathological liar.

How about: Leave the damn gun in the drawer, dummy.

I'll have to think about this some more.

For Syaoran's birthday, I think I'll give him freedom from guilt.

Because we're all such tragedies waiting for resolution.

We're all such magicians looking for a good place to call home.

* * *

And that's the end! Ok literally… now we are missing the epilogue and that's it… ok I'll see you next week with the epilogue!


	14. epilogue

Ok this took me longer than what i expected but is finally finished! Yeah i present you with the final chpater of this fic and i want to thank the wonderfull people that send reviews!

And well i want to thank:

Cherri-star: Sorry for the late update but i hope you like this chapter, thanx for the review!

Khairiah : Thanx for the comment!

Kitty Meow-Mix23: Thanx for the comment and i hope you like this chpater too!

midnight fire princess: Thanx for putting me on your fav list and thanx for the review! i hope you like this chapter and thanx for reading the story!

Apelles: I followed your advice and i waited a while... maybe a lot of time but i think is pretty good and i'll be waiting for your comment on the final chapter... thanx for your reviews and all your comments, i loved them and i hope you like this chapter... well thanx a lot!

watercircle: Thanx! i thought 'bout what you said and i think i'm going to wait a while to send something or to pursue a career but you caught my attention, thanx for all your comments 'cause they are special for me and i hope you like the epilogue and don't worry i'm noy going to forget you! Thanx for all the reviews!

Ange Noir: Thanx for your comments and i'm not sure if i'm going to post something but i have a few stories around, but they are different from this one... but well that's going to take a while... anyway thanx for your comments and your reviews i hope you like this chapter!

sweetseptember: Thanx! and i hope you like this chapter too!

Wind and Flame:Thanx!

And now i leave you woth the epilogue of this story... thanx for all the reviews!

Spin

**Summary: **ExtremelyAU Something happened in Tomoeda a long time ago and now it's all screwy and everyone's in a bad mood. Eventually SS

Epilogue: A Magician's Guidebook to Normal

By Sakura Kinomoto

The epilogue, this is where I give you closure.

Closure, this is where I leave you with that feeling of satisfaction that you've learned something new. This is where I leave you with that take home message, compacted into five words or less, that you can write on your notebook and read every day. Or maybe you can paint it above a sign and hang in on your doorway, or maybe you can do nothing and forget about it.

This is where I tie everything up, begging and end, into a perfect little package.

This is where I tell you how perfect my life has become, how the spinning never spun again, how I never lied again, grew up, had kids, how my grass never turned yellow, how my drains never got clogged.

Well I hope you're not too disappointed.

It's only been two weeks and my sense of insight isn't that great. This is a part of the process, you know, trying not to tell my own future.

So here we have it, if you listen hard enough you'll know that I lie again.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

Listen up: A lie is a judgement call, it all just depends on the situation.

I taught you how to lie before, step by step, now I teach you something new.

I don't know what it's called, but it has a process, a series of steps that will fit perfectly into that package that I'm calling closure.

* * *

Step 1: Repent

I'm working right now, so is Kaho, Rika, and Tomoyo. Friday night so only the regulars are here.

Notice how life settings always repeat themselves. Maybe it's tradition, maybe it's that I've lived here for so long that all the settings have to be the same, I'm not sure.

One thing I'm sure of is that traditions change after big mega-events like the one's we've all just had.

About the regulars...

The regulars are the people that feel sorry for the working class and decided to bring the party to the Magic Blast Cafe. Specifically, the regulars are the woman who sits in the corner (Her name is Debbie, she's not so insane after all, it's just that sometimes her dog talks through her... and her parents are Russian spies, it's true, she told me), Syaoran and his posse (which consists of Meiling, Eriol, and Yukito), Kaji, and Touya.

Of course, Syaoran is only here because he knows that I'm working.

Of course, Kaji is only here because he knows that Rika is working (apparently he found someone that turns him down more than I do).

None of us want to leave town all that bad just yet, there are certain things that Tomoeda needs to know.

Or, not know, as the case may be.

I'll explain later, right now I must pretend to work.

Me and Kaho lean our backs against the counter, sending googly eyes and evil smiles to our respective partners in crime.

It's enough to make everyone else want to hurl.

We're getting used to the teasing, the prodding, the all around confusion. Who knew Sakura Kinomoto would find love in Tomoeda?... not me... and now I'm down 20 bucks.

How's this for a moral: Never bet money on your love life.

I can hear Rika and Tomoyo having a sister fight, stacking tubs of ketchup in the backroom.

Kaho nudges me with her elbow, she says, "Are we having fun yet?"

Kaho, my one regret, and I think she knows it.

I say, "We went through a lot, to get here."

She sighs, "What happened, happened."

"Are you really ready for this, right here? Right now?"

She nods, because she knows what I'm talking about, because she's ready to listen. Me and Kaho, we have these cryptic conversations like this because, at this point, it's the only way she can talk about what happened to her. She can't use the exact words, the brutally honest phrases.

She says, "The butterfly flaps it's wings, Sakura, what would you do differently, where would you end up?"

She's talking about the butterfly effect. One situation causing another causing another causing another. What would I do differently? What if it changed the place where I was at today?

There's this one thing I would do differently. It may have caused Kaho to never become friends with Syaoran, she might never have made him feel worthy, which may have caused him to never go to that party, and so on, and so forth.

I say, "I would report him, the minute I knew."

Kaho, she shakes her head, she says, "I would have hated you."

"I would risk that."

"And you and Syaoran?"

I pause, "Yeah, I would risk that too."

"Because of the guilt?"

"Because of the guilt."

Then Kaho hugs me. She hasn't done this yet because she's still getting used to human contact and not feeling like a monster. She says, "You could still be miserable right now, you would have so many more regrets than you do now, you've still be killing yourself with guilt."

And I guess she's right.

See, how this all started was we all wanted something to kill.

We all wanted to kill the thing that was making us a magician.

For me and Syaoran, it was something inside. We became the guilt and the lie and the magician.

We embodied alienation.

Kaho wanted to kill the pain, the monster. She's dealing now that the monster is locked up.

You could say we're all dealing.

You could say we're all repenting and getting on with it.

Kaho, she says, "I owe you."

I say, "Someone I know needs freedom from guilt."

She says, "Done."

* * *

Step 2: Get therapy

"Did you move my lamp? Who moved my lamp?"

"Are we talking about you now?"

"We are if you moved my lamp."

"Syaoran did it."

Syaoran raises his eyebrows and gives me this look.

I smile, "Did you know it's Syaoran's birthday tomorrow?"

Dr. Reed says, "Who moved my paperweight?"

Syaoran says, "Sakura did."

Dr. Reed says, "I thought your birthday was five months ago."

"It was."

I smack Syaoran on the arm.

Syaoran goes, "Did you know that Sakura has six toes? It's really gross, I try to convince her to keep her socks on at all times, but you know... sometimes... the clothing just comes flying off..."

Dr. Reed clears his throat.

I go, "Yesterday, Kaji inhaled a pixie stick, it was awesome, he's still blowing blue snot out of his nose."

Syaoran goes, "I think it's a pool thing, never take Sakura to a public pool, especially when there are young children present."

Dr. Reed moves his paperweight.

I go, "Ok Mr. I'm-just-doing-some-pull-ups, he walks around his house shirtless 24-7 saying, hey baby, look at my big manly muscles, then he's like, hey my parents are downstairs, then he's like, ohh don't you wanna touch my big manly muscles, then he's like, ohh too bad."

Syaoran goes, "I've never played the 'my parents are downstairs card'"

"Sure you did."

"Oh yea? When?"

"Umm... like... last Friday."

Dr. Reed moves his lamp.

Syaoran says, "Ok... you we're working last Friday."

"Oh yea... Thursday then."

"You gotta wear the antennas tomorrow."

"Hah."

"It's my birthday, you're supposed to wear the antennas all day."

"Perv."

Syaoran shakes his head.

I say, "Do you believe this guy Doc?"

Dr. Reed smiles at me.

Then it all goes quiet.

I go, "Hi."

Dr. Reed goes, "Hi."

"So..."

Dr. Reed waves his hand around, "Oh, don't mind me, carry on."

"Oh Doc, not another hissy fit."

He shakes his head.

"Are you feeling unloved? We'll try harder."

Dr. Reed says, "I think we should start scheduling separate appointments again."

I throw my hands in the air, "OH, Doc, I forgot to tell you, turns out Syaoran is normal after all. You know, he's missing the telltale I'm-a-Merlin mark. I could have sworn I saw it but, poof, it's gone. Do you wanna see?."

Dr. Reed says, "No thank you Sakura."

I shrug, "It was really X-rated anyway. Hey Doc? I really think this therapy is helping me a lot."

* * *

Step 3: Freedom from guilt

Tomoyo is wearing her orange shirt, so it must be Tuesday. You know the drill.

She says to me, "You do realize that you don't go to school here anymore?"

I say, "Oh yea, did the school paper come out yet?"

"Yeah, they passed it out in first period."

"You didn't read it?"

Yukito says, "You smell like... paint."

I say, "Weird."

"You're up to something."

"Nu uh."

"Where are you going?"

"I'll be back."

I walk down the hall of the school that I don't go to anymore.

I need to find the school paper. The deal is that I'm no journalist so I hope I got my point across.

Syaoran sees me in the hallway, he smiles at me - that one smile - and he says, "What are you doing here?"

"Truthfully?"

"Truthfully."

"Plotting against you."

"Sounds dangerous."

"Well, you know me."

He grabs my wrist and tugs me a little closer, he says, "You smell like... paint."

I shrug.

Down the hallway, there's this tizzy and flurry of people. Kaji is passing out the school paper. He walks up to us and hands Syaoran a paper and says, "Did you hear it was a hoax?"

Syaoran goes, "What was a hoax?"

Kaji goes, "It's kind of depressing, I could have sworn I was one of them."

Syaoran, he goes, "What was a hoax?"

Kaji goes, "Party at my house tonight."

Syaoran goes, "What was a hoax?"

Kaji walks off.

Syaoran, he's looking kind of disturbed, he goes, "Sakura... Sakura Sakura... What was a hoax?"

I go, "Oh... you know... that magician thing... total rumor."

His face drops, he says, "Huh?"

I point to the paper, "Read."

So he reads.

The thing is that I should have thought of this so much sooner.

Oh well, what happens, happens.

So what is he reading?

A very hot story by yours truly, with all my claims to fame I really can't go wrong.

I'm president of the science club, I'm Kaho's friend, who isn't gonna believe me?

So in this story, the president of the science club does a very empirical study on the make up of the green light.

The president of the science club, what did she find? Well, she found that you can cause a pinch that will cause a blackout, if you overload the energy source of a switch, you put a green bulb near the pinch and just before it explodes it causes a big flash of green light before it causes a blackout.

Syaoran goes, "..."

Syaoran reads, "...metal you can find from a junkyard covered with paint, a couple kids probably fooled around in the park and made this big magician hoax, who knew?"

Here's the kicker: Even if there's someone out there that doesn't believe this, which I'm sure there are, It doesn't matter.

Because this is all something that Tomoeda needed to know.

It began as a rumor and it ends as a rumor. I'm just tying up the beginning and the end here.

Am I good or am I good?

Syaoran, he opens his mouth and he goes, "..."

Then, he pulls me into the eraser room.

I say, "What did they say about us being in here?"

Syaoran says, "You..." He cups my face in his hands and starts kissing all over my face, "are a genius!"

"I think it was more along the lines of... 'stop making out in the eraser room'."

"Do you think it'll work?"

I nod, "You know Kaho with all her power in society, she's helping me out, she thinks I did this for myself."

Syaoran smiles and bites his lower lip and leans forward so that our foreheads are touching, he says, "Sakura..."

I look up at him and I say, "So happy birthday..."

This is what me and Syaoran are like.

A third of the time we're like second graders, teasing each other relentlessly.

Another third of the time we're like this tragic Romeo and Juliet, drinking each other's air and looking into each other's souls.

Another third of the time... we're umm... uhh... use your imagination.

Yeah.

Anyway...

* * *

Step 4: Living in the world

Oh, how history repeats itself over and over and over with the smallest of variations.

A group of my friends sit in a circle before me.

Only this time, I'm in the circle too.

Only this time, nothing is spinning.

This is what I call living in the world.

It's not about going out and acting fake and changing my entire personality so that more people like me. It's about opening my eyes, looking around, finding things in people that I wouldn't normally see if I was stuck inside my head.

Tomoeda has changed, but not how you think.

It's changed in our heads.

We see it as it is now, it's just a place, a place where the people see it wrong and now they're starting to see it right.

It's still not so great, there's still nothing to do. But the hate that we heard, in between the words, inside the silence, we put that there, and then we took it away.

You could just trip on the healthiness of it all.

See, I'm still me.

Tomoyo says, "What about Humboldt."

Touya says, "That could work."

Yukito says, "Too college-ish."

Meiling says, "This is so unrealistic, are we really all going to move together?"

Syaoran says, "Yes."

Kaho says, "How are we going to find a college that's not college-ish?"

Yukito says, "Good point."

Eriol with a deadpan voice, he says, "This is so sweet, I think I'm gonna cry."

Tomoyo slaps him on the arm.

Kaji goes, "I need a kleenex."

Rika goes, "You're such a fucking idiot Kaji."

Kaji smiles.

I go, "Hey, have you guys ever been nowhere?"

Syaoran grins.

So me, I'm sitting here saying: Closure, you can shove it.

I don't think I'll give you my closure package. I think that this isn't over.

I think I'll just not close this off like some part of my life is ending or some part of my life is beginning.

I think It's just gonna keep on going, and spinning, and causing things to happen.

And over and over and over.

You know, like a wheel on a car, or a bottle, or someone's mind, or someone's life.

The ending, this is where I give you that five words or less deal, leave you with that warm, fuzzy feeling that you know something new.

Do you feel it yet?

Wonderful.

So how's this for an ending: ...

The End


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